Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
confused about words
Hi Everyone
My husband often says very hurtful things to me. For example he has told me I am "useless" and that "he has to get everything done", or that "he does not like me" or "wishes we never got married!" etc. I have asked him not to say these hurtful things. He usually says these things out of anger and when we are fighting - I don't think he realizes how hurtful they are too me and continues to do it (even though I have told him this). How can I get him to stop saying these things? It is driving me over the edge.
Advice please!
Re: confused about words
I'm not understanding your post title "confused about words".
Are you confused about what he is saying or why he is saying it?
I think he is doing it to deliberately hurt you (as you said, you have told him this)
I'd recommend counseling for both you together. Having another person (an outsider) hear these statements and his response may be helpful
GL!
Hi Sapphire70
First, thanks for your reply. I am confused about why he is saying these words...I do not know why he wants to deliberately hurt me. Many of his other actions are positive from a day-to-day perspective. When he gets angry he is like a loose cannon.
Thank you for your reply. It has taken me awhile to want to even discuss this; you're right this is the beginning for me. I'm sad & scared and know it will be a long process.
Thank you for your reply. It has taken me awhile to want to even discuss this; you're right this is the beginning for me. I'm sad & scared and know it will be a long process.
I am sorry you are going through this. YOU can not get him to stop. THIS is verbal abuse. You need to understand he is tearing you down. It will only get worse. I lived with this for over 20 years. There are lots of men who do not do this. It does not have to be this way.
If you want to try to make things work you need counseling. He needs counseling. You do not deserve this.
It's definitely verbal abuse. I was in a similar situation. Ex started saying things like that to me when I was pregnant with his baby. He would call me a worthless piece of $hit, tell me that we wouldn't be together if I wasn't pregnant, and tell me that no one would ever want to marry me.
We went to counselling together and I started going on my own. The couples counselling we went to together did nothing. He didn't change. He wasn't the problem. He told me it was my fault that I made him so angry that he would say these things to me. The counselling I sought on my own opened my eyes up to the whole situation. One day my counselor asked me if I thought he was verbally abusive to me....and I said no! LOL. After more counselling I began to see the light and I eventually got the strength to get out.
You can try counselling together, but I think counselling on your own will be much more beneficial. Your husband will most likely never change and will blame the verbal abuse on you which is typical of an abuser.
Thank you for your sharing your stories and past experiences here; reading them is helping me more than you know. I have begun to speak with my family and friends about what is happening in my marriage. I am slowly realizing that there IS a big issue and there IS support and I am not alone in this process. I know that seems obvious, but I can honestly say that it can take months to realize the extent of these things (the effect on me).
My husband and I have attended couples counselling in the past, but really to no avail (clearly because this is where I & "we" are today). It has taken a several bad fights for me to realize and accept that I am allowing myself to be a victim of verbal abuse. What has been so hard for me personally is trying to understand why someone who I love and who supposedly loves me would intentionally try to hurt me. I just do not "get it".
I just wanted to add: today I have my first (1 of 6), individual counselling appointment, it is for 50 minutes and by phone. I hope I have the strength to get it all out! Or at least begin to.
My husband has also agreed to take individual counselling (his first appointment is to be scheduled next week). At this point in time he has acknowledged that there is a serious issue. I told him that I value divorce more than I value verbal abuse. I do not know if we can save our marriage or not, but the potential for divorce is in the open now.
He is verbally/emotionally abusing you. My X did it to me too. It took me a long time to realize he was doing it.
I'm glad you're getting counseling. Don't stress about getting everything out in your first session. You said you have 6 scheduled. GL!
He may say he loves you, but this is not loving. He may enjoy control, or putting you down, or being "needed", or the status quo...and he may not want to "lose" you...but this is not love. Love is supportive, generous, accepting, freeing and all those other good things.
I am glad you are in counseling. This IS abuse - verbal and emotional at minimum - and it is not normal. This is not how things should be or have to be. I hope you realize that and love yourself enough to leave this situation. I know he agreed to go to counseling, but I admit I have yet to see an abuser turn around to be a healthy partner, or a relationship with abuse dynamics become a healthy one and undo all that harm. It may happen, I just have a hard time seeing how a healthy and fulfilling relationship can result from such a situation.