Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Convo on MM - would you tell?
I know we've briefly discussed infidelity in the past on this board, but there was quite a conversation going on over on MM last night and again this morning. Someone posted under an AE about how she had a brief, non-sex affair with a coworker. Sounds like it was flirtatious-ness and two kisses. Its a contract co-worker, so she barely sees him. She said she's sick and throwing up and in shock that it happened and she feels horrible.
There are many who are saying "Don't tell, work it out with a therapist" but also a good number saying "Tell, you have to, your husband has a right to know." If it makes a difference, they do have children.
Personally, I don't think I'd tell, and I don't think I'd want to know. If my husband kissed a coworker (ESPECIALLY a coworker) and felt this awful about it and knew in his heart it wouldn't happen again, it would not be worth it to me to have the pain of knowing. Heck, I think the pain of the burden he'd bear would be a suitable punishment and an adequate deterrent from doing it again. Of course it would have to be one of those things where he KNEW it wouldn't happen again because he felt so awful.
So, in this situation, would you tell if it were you? Would you want to know if it were your DH? Why?
Re: Convo on MM - would you tell?
I don't think I would tell. I would probably seek counseling though and see what they say.
I once heard that cheaters tell their spouses so they don't have to live with the guilt anymore. I agree with that statement. If you KNOW you would never allow it to happen again, then you will just have to live with it on your conscience the rest of your life.
I think part of telling is explaining the dynamic shift in your marriage. I don't think that someone could go through this kind of experience and NOT have it impact how they interact with their spouse. They may think that they're keeping everything as normal, but I doubt they are. Guilt is going to make them either withdraw or over compensate...
I don't know what I would do personally, or would want if it was DH. Thankfully we do not have any experience with this situation and hopefully never will.
I'm with you in that I wouldn't want to know, in that situation, if it were reversed. I have a very hard time forgiving and probably wouldn't be able to move past it.
If it were me, I don't think I would tell- knowing that it would never happen again, of course. That being said, I am a terrible liar and you can read guilt on my face so it would probably come out anyway.
Our crazy, wonderful life
I would tell because I can't keep a secret, it would eat at me and my DH deserves to know. There is obviously a reason that I was seeking comfort somewhere else - I don't see how you can go about fixing what made you do that or say that you would never do it again with out starting with honesty.
Same goes for if DH did it.
I would want to know what was "wrong" with us, and I would want to make an honest effort to fix it. It would devestate me to find out DH, so much as kissed another woman.
I went into this with an expectation, with trust and committment, if one of us broke that and couldn't find happiness with the other, and the other alone - I dunno....
Not to mention that I'd be even more pissed if I found out way down the road.
Honesty, is the best policy after all.
ETA: This is in terms of the kissing/flirty touching. This isn't to say that neither DH or I can't have opposite sex friends, and the occassionally flirt banter.
I agree with this. However, if it were more than a 1 or 2 time kiss that DH regrets and knows will never happen again, I would want to know. I would also end my marriage as I know myself, and I could never let it go. Additionally, if this 1 or 2 kiss thing happened with a second person I would want to know. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I would try to work through it with counseling.