Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
When is criticism over the top?
Let me cut to the chase. No one seems to be safe around DH because somehow, he finds faults and is very quick to judge/criticize people. It is a trait I despise and wish he would recognize how hurtful it is.
He thinks the pastor prays too long, or his sermon is something DH could have jotted down on a napkin 20 minutes before the service started. Our neighbor has no business being on disability and is sucking off of the system, even though she has an amputated toe and sees a pain specialist every couple of weeks for pain management injects. This woman, by the way, is not lazy by any stretch. My brother in law has the smallest hands or he has the oddest physique. Or how can this couple afford such and such when my salary is twice as much as their combined salary. I could go on and on. I'm at the point where I have stopped sharing any issues any of my family members are going thru because it seems like he will make a mental note and demonize them for it later. Let's not even get started with Politics, Immigration, the Occupiers, etc.
Last night I gave him a CD to listen to (unrelated to the above) addressing an issue we had dealt with over the summer. He came home this morning (he works nights) and just tore both of the Ph.D counselors apart. Basically saying they dummied down the information and he found it insulting to his intelligence. I'm about to pull my hair out.
Re: When is criticism over the top?
He sounds charming.
I mean, I have a healthy dose of cynicism about many things - be it political or personal , but it sounds like your husband is not even a curious or smart cynic, he is just a constant negative critic. I would not want to be around someone so constantly and consistently negative and who would take things I told him in confidence and add his own critical spin to them again later.
What is too much? I guess if you are posting about it, it is too much for you, at least.
Kuus - I envy your memory.
Without knowing more background and solely basing my opinion on the post above, the guy sounds like an ass.
I reserve the right to change my opinion if more information comes out later.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Mom, is that you?
Seriously, this is my dad. It doesn't get better. Ever.
Some people just feel this intrinsic need to biitch about anything and everything because they are so miserable in themselves so they deflect and project it on everyone/thing else. Good luck with that shiit.
Some background:
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/54525278.aspx
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/58681885.aspx
She got upset that his ex sent him a text to ask where he was on 9/11 because he had been with exgf, of course.
I don't know if this is the right relationship for you, OP.
eta: You don't trust him. I think you are looking for reasons to get out. Just do it.
Yes, he is the guy who had the emotional affair.
Ironically enough, he is not critical of me. Not once, has he said anything about how I keep the house, cooking, the kids, what I spend, etc. In fact, he is quick to praise me. He is very involved with the kids. Loves giving to charity. We will be adopting several families whose children attend an "at risk" school not too far away (we started last year and want to keep this going every year). He adopted my 10 year old from a previous marriage and has done nothing but love and support her. He has been at the same hospital for the last 18+ years and is well known and respected, as is his family.
But then, there is this other side of him that I don't like. Before I would just listen and kind of blow it off (kind of to shut him up and change subjects). But now, I just think it's downright judgemental and cruel to talk about people this way. It's like taking a snap shot of a person when they had a lapse in judgement (hello, we have all been there) and then holding it against them like they can't ever redeem themselves.
That was a creepo thing of the ex to do, for sure.
Sounds like a stellar guy you've got there.
Ah... thank you doglove! I remember her now.
I revise my previous statement. OP - I still think your H is an ass, but you have issues as well. Hie thee hence to therapy.
And to repeat my previous question... Why are you with this guy again?
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
It may be creepo, but a text is not something to get upset about. The thing maybe worth getting upset about is how your H reacts to said text.
I really think that she is looking for reason to leave him. All of her reasons are valid. Their relationship has changed. She sees him in a different light than she once did. It's probably time to move on.
I can tell you that his negativity would send me running for the door within a week. Is this a new trait or something that he has always had? Has it gotten worse over time? If so, concentrate his attitude and imagine what he will be like in 20 years.
I agree with PP that anyone who is that critical all the time must have self-esteem the size of a gnat. People with self-esteem that out of whack will sometimes turn to affairs to bolster their self esteem.
The fact that he is not critical of you is interesting, but not worth staying for. He will turn on you. And if you have children, can you imagine what he is going to do to them?
In reading those other posts and now this.... your DH seems to think he's above it all. He sees himself as smarter than everyone else. EVERYONE. Even you. And he can't really admit when he's wrong. Because, well, he isn't, is he? Because he's SMARTER! So therefore he can never be wrong!
And honestly... even if that was just an EA, I have to wonder if one day a "real" affair will take place. Because he's smarter than you and he's going to figure out how to hide it from you better next time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There's more to this story than just that 9/11 text. Check out the emotional affair post from June.
Oh, I meant creepy for the ex to do. Not his fault, really, although I can see being momentarily annoyed at him for dating weirdos. Of course, if he answered and they waxed nostalgic and sang a duet of the South Park "Ladder to Heaven" song or something, then I could see being angry with him, too.
Ok. So she maybe has reason to be suspicious.
Here is what I know, OP:
A. You don't trust your H any farther than you can throw him
B. You don't like how he treats people
C. I'm not really sure that you even like him very much
D. You can't take the man out in public and it seems like he may not be the best of role models for the kiddos
E. He's not willing to put effort into working on the problems in your marriage.
What are you hanging on to? Is the sex good? Please tell me that you have a fantastic sex life.
Are you seeing a therapist? Can you envision your life with this man 5 years down the road? Does that vision mesh with the reality that is today?
edited to add E.
This is what I meant. Whether that text is something to be upset about or not completely depends on how he reacted to it.
He sounds a bit narcissistic. He believes he's better than others so he gets easily irritated when he views something as a waste of his time.
He may also just be trying to make conversation. I know plenty of people like this. It's like gossip. It's not intended to necessarily be hurtful, but just an entertaining conversation that passes the time. Do you guys have regular conversations about things?
I don't know. I think I'm probably judgmental enough myself that I am not finding a ton of fault in the examples you gave. I actually laughed at your BIL having small hands. And I also raised an eyebrow at a woman with an amputated toe being unable to work. Sounds like I'm similar to your husband.
If it bothers you, you need to tell him. You need to say that you find it irritating that he's always criticizing others, you think it's mean and disrespectful and you're not going to listen to it because you don't want your children to learn that behavior.
But really, I think maybe the two of you are just really different. Your other posts have illustrated that. And based on some of your previous posts, I'm also inclined to think you overreact to things and may be a wee bit on the sensitive side. Are you in individual counseling?
And what do you say when this smug azzhole starts b1tching about how everyone around him sucks?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
YUP.
He's gone underground with his EA (or PA). His anger is born out of the constant deception and he is trying to GET OUT OF HIS LIFE by slashing and burning anything in his path.
Nothing deep here.
Why are you still with him? Just what is loveable about him?
If YOU have not seen a counselor --- it is long overdue.
ETA: You cannot change someone else and he does not seem intersted in changing of his own accord.