Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
s/o to tell or not to tell
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60826543.aspx
There is now a poll. It's pretty close at the moment, but leaning towards the, "I don't want to know."
And, by the way, did you see Parenthood this week? The topic was covered there, too. I don't want to say more for fear of spoilers, but I can retitle this post if need be.
My general thought is, the faster you tell me, the more likely our relationship is to survive, but I am going to need some time to think about it.
I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
Re: s/o to tell or not to tell
I agree w/ you. The thought of marrying someone who would keep this a secret for fear of "hurting" me makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I dated someone once who kept things from me because he was afraid to hurt me and in the end I think it hurt worse because I always questioned him, couldn't develop trust with him or ever feel comfortable that what he was telling me was the truth. It was a miserable way to be.
And what if her husband does find out - say in 5 years? I think it only makes it worse that she did this and kept it covered up for so long. It can only backfire. And if he never finds out? Than how can they ever share a true closeness? Honesty and respect to build trust and closeness in my relationship is one of the most important things I value in being with FI.
My H is a terrible secret keeper. This year he finally kept my birthday present a secret for a week instead of trying to give it to me the day he bought it. Big step for him. In this particular situation I don't think he could keep his mouth shut if he felt that badly, so the sooner he told me the better off he'd be.
I can't tell you what my reaction would be, but I can guarantee it would be a lot better if he didn't lie to me at all to begin with.
And a heart wtf at this reply:
"
I still refer to DH's ex as "she who shall not be named." I admit it. I have issues. I voted don't tell.
But because I feel the need to justify myself: SWSNBN lived 2 doors down from me in HS. She dated my first boyfriend after we broke up. Then, after I went to college (DH is younger), he was seeing her while we were still together (put yourself in HS mentality here, not adult world). I came home for break, he took me to the the fast food place she worked and dumped me. While she was watching. They dated for 6 years. Broke up, no contact for over a year. He moved to DC. We got back in touch. Started dating. She then got back in touch with him. We had a really rough first year of dating. There is no logical reason we should have stayed together (and we almost didn't). But, we did. If it was her, I would want to know and I would leave. Anyone else, and I'd rather not know."
Who in the sam hill would start re-dating this old boyfriend?
I would want to know. I don't like the idea of someone making my decisions for me but I've been pretty vocal about that fact on the thread.
Also for some reason our DVR didn't record Parenthood this week so I didn't know there was a new one. Dammit.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I would want to know. My husband and I have talked about this, and he feels the same. While whether we each would choose to go through therapy and stay in the marriage or not depends on the circumstances (for the couple kisses example in the poll, I would say we would stay together) the bottom line is that we each put honesty right up there as our biggest promise to each other, and we put that into action all the time.
As long as he was honest with me, I truly believe we could heal and work through it. If my husband told me immediately, I would be crushed, but I do believe at least then we would each be able to decide what we wanted to do, and together as a team. The betrayal would not be ongoing.
Even a kiss or two, to me, is not just a small thing to gloss over, and it is still something, that as his life partner, would want to know. I just do not see how you can have a close, intimate & fully engaged marriage with such secrets between you, period. Sure, maybe the marriage never recovers or divorce becomes the final result, but the marriage was already changed forever anyway!
I also don't believe that in a marriage issues like this are things you just "deal with on your own". You cannot deal with something on your own that affects the both of you. Even doing that affects your marriage, and your partner. You don't fix dishonesty (the affair) with more of it.
Also, but people are fooling themselves, or are in pretty distant marriages, if they think that these sorts of secrets don't "show" or affect the marriage - therapy or not. I make a lot of judgments about people who think that secrets like this are okay (as well as many judgments about their relationship/marriage) or that it is okay to take their partner's own choice away from them!You are a self-admitted grudge-holder, though (and I mean that in a loving way!)
I tend not to hold onto resentment. If I cannot work through something and did hold onto it, then of course I would not stay in the relationship. However, I really do believe that for something like a couple kisses, I could forgive and trust. It would not be overnight, but I believe I definitely could.
However, I will also add the disclaimer that I do not anticipate being in this position in the first place. I know the whole "no one believes it would never happen to them" but I am quite confident in how we live our marriage, and the people we are. My husband and I both have been cheated on in past relationships, and both have very firm beliefs about cheating, and that kind of betrayal, or about doing that to each other, and I think are both self-aware enough to not put ourselves into those kinds of positions to begin with. As I said, we really don't keep secrets, so it would be hard to have a secret affair even for a week!
Affairs, are not things that "just happen" and there are many opportunities to put an end to it before they ever begin.
Why would I want to be with someone who would rather be with someone else? I'm with you Kuus.
I would think of my aunt who forgave her x once, only to have his cheatin' heart break up their relationship 15 years later.
Yeah, seeing it that way, I agree with you.
I don't know. Like I said, it is all hypothetical and depending on circumstances. Perhaps it is easier to say I would probably stay if it was a couple kisses only, as I don't expect it to happen anyway.
I do know in past relationships I have easily ended it when there was cheating involved. I think I am looking at it through lens of a marriage where I know that is just not going to happen so I can say all sorts of crap!
It is sort of like imagining how I would spend my billions if I was Bill Gates.
I would, however, still want to know!
I vote tell.
and I don't know if my marriage would make it either. I would try, but that is a huge violation of trust. I am not sure I could get it back.
I would consider myself to fall under the category of super flirty. My husband would probably have been "in the day," but I think not so much now. Even so, any hint of anything other than flirting that is marriage-appropriate would be a major conversation.
I guess I would consider married flirting to be dancing with an old friend or talking to a stranger for 10 minutes at a bar. Now, if my husband started holding hands and kissing as his "flirting," then even so, we'd have a serious breech of trust.
Make sense?
I would want to know and I would want him to tell me. I found out the hard way at the end of my marriage, and, well, that sucks.
I guess the example that I'm thinking of was in a bar where I was ordering a drink and struck up a conversation with a guy at the bar. He bought my drink. It was all good-natured, but probably still flirting KWIM?
But I would consider that within the boundaries of marriage-appropriate (unless it made your partner uncomfortable).
First of all I have to say I am shocked and disgusted by the poll results on MM. I can not begin to understands so many of the comments.
I think it is totally disgraceful that so many girls wouldn't want to know AND that so many others said it wasn't really a big deal.
WTF??
I'm sitting here with H and he is equally as bewildered!
Yeah, I felt a bit like Judgey McJudgerson reading some of those replies, but...really?
Those who say "it would change the relationship forever". It is ALREADY changed forever*, sticking your fingers in your ears does not change that! How is it better to ignore that fact, than it is to deal with the truth?
Ignorance, in this situation, is not bliss.
* the exception being if there has been infidelity right from the start, then perhaps it is the status quo, and you should be deciding whether to tell each other when you stop having "near affairs" (whatever the f that means).
* the exception being if there has been infidelity right from the start, then perhaps it is the status quo, and you should be deciding whether to tell each other when you stop having "near affairs"
That's pretty damn funny.
Yep - Couldn't agree more. Scary that the majority of those women would rather not "know" in that situation.