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To say something or not...
I just wanted some friendly advice about something that has been bothering me.
I got married 6 months ago. I wanted to have a small wedding at a local outside venue. When I discussed this with my parents, they freaked out and acted as though it was ridiculous that I would be planning my wedding a year in advance (as you know, for some places you have to book more than a year in advance). As a result, I decided to elope because my parents did not seem to care about me having a wedding. Then my MIL got upset that she wouldn't be there. To satisfy everyone but me, we decided to get married at our church and have our parents and grandparents present. My MIL was very nice in the gifts she gave us, whereas I received a shower caddy, scrapbook, and KY Jelly from my parents (yes, that is correct-lube!).
Since I didn't have a wedding I wanted to do a small reception. My mom wanted to do it at her sister's which is a field with no bathrooms, electricity, etc. I didn't think that was a good idea since I was planning to invite elderly people. She was not open to the idea of having it at a outside picnic area (which was extremely cheap). Then I wanted to have a restaurant do the catering (also a cheap venue), but then she decides we should cook everything ourselves. In the end I decided it would be a distaster and we didn't do anything. In addition, I didn't receive anything for my college graduation, christmas or birthday because my parents were going to buy me some new tires for my car. I had to buy them myself.
I feel somewhat slighted by my parents during this very exciting and happy part of my life. Should I say anything to them about this or move on? It is not that I expect gifts and to be showered in money, it's more that I didn't feel as though they cared that I was getting married.
Re: To say something or not...
First off, you're giving your parents WAY too much power in your life. You should have just had the wedding you wanted the first time around. Instead, you caved to outside demands and tried to please others, and you ended up not really pleasing anyone (yourself included).
I think you need to adjust the expectations you have of your parents. Obviously, they're not big gift givers. And I know that you said you don't expect to be showered in gifts, but it actually sounds like you do (because you mention your college graduation, Christmas and Birthday in there too).
And really, they're showing they cared about the wedding because they were TOO involved, but you're interpreting the lack of gift as a measurement of how much they cared.
I think you should move on and just accept the fact that your parents are the way they are.
And gross to the KY Jelly gift. YUCK!
I agree with pp.
You should not be giving your mother any power over you. If you are old enough to get maried you are old enough to make your own decisions.
If I listened to my MIL when she wanted to help plan our wedding we would have had a wedding which had about 300 guests (we had 100). We would have not had an outdoor wedding in a park ($100 for the day), we would have had the wedding in an expensive garden tailored to weddings. (priced at $500 an hour).
We did not want to be broke when we started our lives together so we did what we wanted in the price range we could afford.
That's sad... seriously. I think the saddest part is that your parents gave you KY jelly for a wedding present.
I don't think we can really give you good advice based on what you've told us - it sounds like maybe there are some underlying issues in your relationship with your parents. I can totally understand the hurt feelings, but what I wonder is.... was it a huge surprise to you? Was it out-of-character for them? Or were you just hoping they'd rise to the occasion and then were disappointed?
As sad as it is, it sounds like you should start by lowering your expectations. Remember all this if you and your DH decide to buy a house or have a baby....you know, all those important milestones. Make it about you two.
I would suggest counseling. I suggest that to pretty much everyone - it can help you learn to be more assertive in your relationships and get what you want out of life. It might also help you better appreciate your parents for the quirky characters that they sound like they are.
Good luck to you!
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Why didn't you book the caterer or restaurant on your own? Why did you need her permission? You said everything was so cheap, why didn't you just book it and pay for it?
So, what happened with your guests after the church? Did everyone just go home?
And what would you say?I don't like your present ... or I resent that you talked me into a terrible wedding day. I knew better but didn't do what I wanted to do. I blame you.
Why bother?
You DID have a wedding. Wedding = getting married. Wedding =/= a certain kind of party or a large number of guests.
It stinks if your parents don't show more interest in your life, but you also depend on them WAY too much, especially if you're aware of this fact. I don't know why you kept setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting help and gifts from them.
No, there's no way for you to talk to them about why they didn't plan a nice wedding for you or give you a nicer gift.
I wouldn't say anything. My parents didn't give me a wedding present (the wedding was the present) or a birthday present the next month (since the wedding counted for a wedding present AND a birthday present apparently!). In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.
I don't say this unkindly, but you need to stop caring so much about what your parents think. I had this problem as well. At some point, they're going to have to learn that they can't control your life or make all your decisions for you.
"Should I say anything to them about this or move on?"
I would say that this comes down to a personal decision based on your relationship with your mother/parents--how it was in the past, and how you would like it to look in the future.
My mom was awful to my boyfriend the entire time that we dated, gave me no advice except to passive-aggressively suggest that I break up with him during the entire two years we dated, cried when we got engaged, and then spent a month or two trying to talk us out of it.
When she accepted that we were getting married, she tried to guilt trip me into having the wedding in her state---which would have made 90% of our guests drive at least six hours to be there (in the state we remained firm on, 90% of our guests were able to drive only 20 minutes to 4 hours to be there). When we refused....even though I had an emotionally turbulent time over it....she said she couldn't pay for the wedding.
I planned the entire wedding without her help. Two days before the wedding, she was suddenly supportive of the whole endeavor, helped me with a bunch of things including food preparation, and has LOVED my husband since that moment with no question.
I am still very hurt that my mother couldn't get over her habit of manipulation and emotional reactions to everything to help me for my own wedding (my FIL generously paid for the wedding AND rehearsal dinner). Granted, my dad was out of work and they didn't have much money, but they have somehow found enough to go on five vacations since August 2010, including one out of country. However, I've just decided to swallow it and continue a relationship with my mother. It is changed from before, but it is still healthy in its own way. If I need to, I am willing to discuss it with her in the future, but my decision was just to lay matters to rest.
Thanks for the great advice. I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I need to lower my expectations and move on. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks!