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Am I overreacting????????
My husband and I have been together for over 2 years and he has always "smoked" and it has never bothered me. 4 months ago he decided to stop because it wasn't fun anymore (i don't "smoke" and most of his friends stopped and apparently it's not as much fun if you're doing it alone). Anyway after 2 months of not smoking he decided he wanted to start smoking again but he couldn't because he was looking for a new job and he could be drug tested if he received an offer. Well he received an offer and accepted a job with a company who doesn't drug test but he doesn't officially start until next week. When he bought up smoking again, i told him I would feel more comfortable if he waited until he officially started and liked the job before he starts smoking again and we both agreed on this decision.
Today, he said he was going to check the mail and when he came back and I got a whiff of "it" . I asked him to kiss me and sure enough he smelled like "it". He immediately said "I smoked" Well no ***!!!!!! I was so upset I just walked away.
Again I don't care if he smokes. He enjoys it and it doesn't affect us negatively at all. What bothers me is that he lied about it and was trying to hide it from me.
I was in a relationship with a person who cheated and lied to me for 6 years. I don't want to overreact and punish my husband because of another jerk but I also don't want to sweep this under the rug either. Please advice
Re: Am I overreacting????????
Does he have a history of saying he won't smoke and then doing it, or is this a one time thing?
Ive "smoked" but when I stopped, I just stopped. There was no desire to keep doing it, so I don't understand someone who has an active desire and can't keep up with not doing it until after starting at a job. It would make me worry about addiction issues.
Is it too much to sit your husband down and simply tell him - I am not mad that you smoked, but I am mad that you tried to hide it from me? Where would this type of conversation get you?
humph...He acts like he isn't going to get caught and then when he does its - - oh yeah I smoked?
You know this reminds me of my best friends husband. He had a terrible gambling problem. One night he called her and told her he had too much to drink so he was staying at a friends - came home at 5 and told her the friends dog was keeping him awake. She got smart and checked their bank account and seen that it was empty - three different withdrawals taken throughout the night - he simply came home after he ran out of money. His response to her - and I"m not kidding - "I didn't want to tell you because you were just going to yell at me and make my life hell."
He has never said he was going to stop and he has never lied to me about anything else. That's why I'm so worried about over reacting.
No one likes to catch a sneak but there is a far cry between being ambivilant about re-taking up smoking and cheating on a partner.
I am slow thanks for the above, I was like who cares if he smokes.
If this is the case and it's not going to affect his job, then you're probably overreacting a little bit.
a.) Not overreacting to the lying bit. It sets bad precedent and he needs to not make a habit of it. Communicate with him and let him know that you could give a shyt about the weed, but don't lie to you about it.
b.) You can talk about drugs on the nest I think. I don't understand "smoke" in quotations. lol
He needs to be careful picking up smoking again. If he drives afterward and such the DUI can be pretty effed if he gets caught. Also, just because he didn't get drug tested to get the job doesn't mean they won't randomly drug test him if they smell it on him at work.
he is probably not able to control himself. he is probably addicted.
i would seek help for this, both of you.
i attend al-anon (my dad is an alcoholic) and it is very helpful. he may need treatment.
good luck to you.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Nevermind, I thought you were actually talking about smoking, not pot. Yeah, he needed to get more settled into the job before he indulged. And its just childish behavior ot sneak it and then act weird about it. It put you in a finger wagging parent role and that just sucks.
And I think you are probably more bothered about it than just the drug testing. And that's perfectly fine, too.
Sounds like smoking dope bothers you, because why would you be so upset?
IMHO if it didn't bother you, then you would've made some pithy laughable comment about how he was "lying" to you, and moved on - not made some post about it on TIP. Just my thoughts on the matter, I just think you need to really think about if its the lying or the lying and smoking.
Its okay if you are upset about the smoking...just thinking about your life with him though and think if this habit is one you could live with for the rest of your life. Because the reality is, he may be a smoker forever.
Well.... I am upset because we made a decision together and he went against it and tried to hide it from me. I am upset about the lying not smoking.
Even though I don't smoke I don't judge people who do, so yes I could live with him being a smoker forever. He was a smoker when I met him and I knew before I married him he would probably smoke forever.
That is exactly what bothers me. Thanks for getting where I was coming from
Sounds more like he needs to "smoke" and that definitely is not a good thing. Pretty stupid choice IMO- I judge.
i have to say there may be some truth to this. Not to mention, smoking is illegal. What if this job falls through? Plus, are you ok with your kids seeing this and thinking its ok to do illegal things?--sorry i dont mean to offend you or come of so strong but in my experience ive seen something like smoking lead to worse drugs, lying, manipulation in many situations (my DH is a state trooper so...)
but in answer to your question--you arent over reacting. He was trying to cover it up/hide it and that is not ok from a spouse.
I am enough of a square that my head exploded in a post where her husband regularly uses an illegal drug, but the issue is that he lied about using now when he had permission to use later.
I wouldn't touch anyone who "smokes" with a ten foot pole, so my opinion probably wouldn't be too helpful to you.
And I'd caution you against thinking his use doesn't affect you negatively at all. It could affect his ability to get a job. It could affect his ability to keep his job (if drug tests are conducted randomly or his future employer decides to implement a policy of random drug checks). If he gets into an accident while under the influence, the repercussions are much worse than just a regular accident. If he is caught with the substance for some reason he could be arrested and some of your personal property could be forfeited to the state.