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If your XH had an affair (or affairs)
Did you ever feel the need to find out just how many there were?
I am SO OVER my H. If he knocked on my door right now begging for forgiveness, I'd slam it in his face, no question. The thought of being near him, much less sleeping with him makes me shudder. At the same time, though, I still get the urge to try to uncover exactly how many OW there were. He thinks he is so smart and above ever being caught in anything (or consequences for that matter), so I almost want to find out more and more just to prove to him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is. That, and he's told everyone he knows that we're divorcing because I was controlling and impossible to live with, and has blamed me for everything (again, he had 3 affairs that I know about, and at least 3 more that I suspect). Wouldn't you be "controlling and impossible to live with" if your husband traveled for work 25% of the time and you knew he was probably cheating each time he went out of town?
So, anyway, why do I find myself trying to uncover more lies just to prove that a liar is a liar. We all already know he is!
Re: If your XH had an affair (or affairs)
Yeah, we're already separated, he's living 2500 miles away from the kids and me (his choice), and we are working out the financial details now. I guess for me it's just a matter of knowing that I was right. Every single person I tell that we're separated is so shocked because he always seemed like such a good husband and father when he was around them. It makes me feel like I was imagining things that weren't there...so I guess it feels like knowing it wasn't my imagination is some sort of validation for me. Who doesn't like being right?
Beyond wanting to know how many times he cheated, we are all happier now that he isn't here. He made everything so unpleasant - every holiday, every birthday, everything that *I* ever got excited about (if it was something he liked, he was fine, but he acted like a pouty toddler anytime it was one of "my" things), and when I heard his car pull up in the driveway each night I got a knot in my stomach wondering what we were going to get that day - "Nice Daddy" or the daddy who barely speaks to any of us and walks around scowling all night. We're way better off.
Have I wondered? Absolutely. Does the "truth" make any difference? Absolutely not! If he cheated on me once or a million times, it doesn't change the fact that it happened and we are divorced because of it. When I found out about the affair, I asked questions...millions of questions, thinking that the answers would give me some insight and make me feel better about the situation. Thing is the more I knew, the worse I felt and the more questions kept coming.
I'm happy that I don't know any more than I already know. I'm also happy to know that I am the bigger, better person and will live my life as such. I'm healthier, happier and a much better mom these days. AND I don't have that sick to my stomach feeling at night when he came home. I'm much better off, even if I only know part of the truth!
Honestly I never did want to know how many. I believe XH to be a sociopath. I'm 100% positive there were many, many women, and many incidents. Probably too many to even count. It physically sickens me to think of everything that I DO know so I cannot imagine knowing what really happened.
You have to get to the place where it no longer matters. All it will do is hurt you more. You already know you won't be with him, so you need to realize that sort of detailed information is irrelevant. Are you in counseling?
All of this!
JMK, I know exactly how you feel. Once I found out about the first one, that was enough for me to leave him. But I often wondered how many others there were. Because, like you, I wanted to feel validated and I wanted to know so it could reassure me that my decision was the best one. But like R&B said, it doesn't make your life any easier. Even anything, it will drive you crazy. I STRONGLY recommend that you let it go and when you get those thoughts in your head, remind yourself that it doesn't matter because you already have your validation!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
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YES! Mainly because he denied everything it makes it very frustrating. But some things I know because he did admitted them previously, but then recently tried to gaslight me and change the story so he comes out innocent (and I actually am responsible for his behavior)
The main thing I want to know is when he joined an online dating site (while I was pg with out second child) did he select
1. never married, 2. divorced, 3. widowed
I don't know why I really want to know. In a few years I may ask him and he may finally tell me the truth (if he remembers....) but in a few years I probably wont care and will have forgotten about this too (here's hoping!).
Jelly - I also fear that he is telling people we are divorcing due to something I did. Aside from my mom, sister and two friends who live out of state, I'm just telling everyone else (even his family) that "things just didn't work out". But after being on this site and some others it looks like 90% of divorces are because the husband cheated (and a handful because the wife did) and the rest due to multiple reasons, so I'm guessing people will realize on their own, because it's a slap in the face to have been betrayed then blamed for the divorce too!
Let it go. It won't change anything. I know you want people to know the "truth" but does it really matter? I am also pretty sure some people know he cheated.
A little perspective. My situation is different since stbxh left me for greener grass. He would always make me look like a crazy and mean person in public. And I was bothered that people would think that the reason he left me was because he was a saint and I was the devil. I realized with time it didn't matter what people thought and eventually, people would see who he really is. He didn't have me as a cover anymore. Well, it is happening. People are seeing who he really is. Last example that I know of? Him being pissed that his 30-year old buddy (we are all around that age) is going to be a dad soon. I had told the guy's wife what his reaction would be and I was spot on. Of course, when I would say it, people took it with a grain of salt. But now, they see it with their own eyes.
Don't worry, you don't need people to know he was a cheater. They either know or will see who he really is soon. No wife excuse anymore.
I thought I wanted to know. I did actually call 2 of the current OW because I felt like I was going crazy (he was denying everything and I needed to know for me- I was not crazy, i was polite) and it did not help. Well, it helped because then i was sure I was not crazy, but other than that, it made me sick to my stomach. At first i also thought that maybe if he would admit to what he had done, that would help. It didn't. I thought it would help to know when it started, but since after we separated he absolutely told people it was my fault, people felt the need to tell me about a history of affairs they knew about but hadn't told me about. That didn't help either.
So, knowing for sure that it happened was important to me because he was telling me i was paranoid and crazy, but after that, none of the other info helped me in any way. Counseling helped more than anything else. But I also knew that once I had confirmation, i was DONE. There was no going back or working any of it out. Maybe I would feel differently about what information I knew if I had any intention of trying to work through it.