Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sick of his guilt trips and games.
I am the one that asked H to leave.
We have decided that divorce was our best option...We being a loose term here, as he basically told me a week after leaving that he was tired of limbo and that I needed to decide what I wanted to do, that he didn't care what that was.
Personally, that told me everything I needed to know-it was over. I was 99% certain I wanted a divorce, but if I was that certain, and he didnt' care what the decision was, at least in my mind there was nothing left to fight for. I admit, that simple bit wiped ALL the fight out of me.
Now, as juvenile as it seems, we have been using facebook to communicate about dividing things up. He's someone who doesn't check email but checks facebook, and it's all laid out there in one place for me to print off should I need it, so it seems logical.
Well, I am fortunate in that I am taking part in a really awesome study over the next 2 years through the U of MN. Basically, for letting them take my weight and measurements every 4 months for the next two years, I will get a total of $500 in Target Gift cards. In addition to this, for tracking my behaviors such as sleep and eat, I earn points which I can exchange for rewards like gift cards to the grocery store or a magic bullet, glass food storage containers and more.
So, with this in mind, and his occasional comments that he "has to save money because when he finally can get a place he will have to replace SO much", I thought, "Hey if I'm replacing the storage bowls anyhow, maybe he wants the old ones?" they aren't in bad shape at all, I just would love this opportunity to switch to glass. So I offered. And got this big message about how "material things aren't important to him right now with not having a home but if I'm throwing them out he might as well take them". I mentioned getting a replacement for the blender, our old one was perfectly fine, but I thought, hey if I can get this for free, he can have the old, and I'll have a nice shiny new one. Win/win right? Got the same effing guilt trip.
So, am I wrong to change my tactic on here out and say eff it, you gave me a list of what you wanted, anything that isn't there you're SOL on? I try to keep things at least decent for the sake of our daughter but sometimes, I admit I kinda wanna punch him, esp when he makes comments like that...I mean, you have to find a place to live but you're taking almost all the furnituresince I get the house...yeah replacing the damned spices sucks (yes, he actually complained that he has to replace spices), but REALLY DUDE?! I WILL NEED A COUCH, A TV, A FREAKING DINING TABLE!!! /end vent.
Re: Sick of his guilt trips and games.
Send him a complete list of things you're willing to give up, and ask him if he wants them; and ask him to give you a list of the things he wants as well. This piecemeal, one thing at a time, do you want the mixing bowls, do you want the mixer, do you want the blender, etc it seems really unkind and has really old already, as you have found. Go through room by room and decide what you don't want, and ask him if he does, with one list, one time. Unless you enjoy getting these kinds of emails.
You made him leave without telling him what you wanted; and indeed, didn't really know what you wanted till he asked you to state your position. Limbo sucks. I don't see anything wrong with him asking you to shitt or get off the pot. If you want a divorce, get in gear and file; but I don't think his behavior is particularly weird or unreasonable in the face of your indecision.
okay, but you gotta laugh at that.....
I did.
PP, we were going for a trial seperation at the time. Turned out we were both happier without the other, we are working on the divorce, as we can file on our own if we can agree to everything, so we are working things out little by little.
I see your point on the msging him as things come up, but I tried a list pretty early on, and his tactic was to ignore most of the list and zero in on a few other things, leaving me wondering about some of the important things in the list. He never would say either way, so we agreed that as I work my way through the house, or as he thinks on things, we would message. Most days we're fairly agreeable, so it works for us. We both just leave eachother alone if we're in a funk and if one of us senses the other getting there, we drop communication for the day until we can effectively communicate, rather than fighting.
I'm just irritated with his "I gotta buy spices...and I'll have to buy a microwave" Honestly at this point, we've agreed to him getting the living room set, including the brand new TV, the dining table, the pots/pans, the dishes, the home office items (desk, etc.) as well as divided up some of the little things (movies, games, books). Some things, he comes over and we divide them because sending him a list of the movies was not sounding fun, but he has admitted that he uses the "I gotta replace _____" as a guilt trip. I have often dropped the conversation at this point because I really want to look at him and point out the value of what I am replacing vs him. He later asked to divide the spices....I may just go buy myself a nice spice rack and pack all of the old up for him, rather than stressing over who gets the chili powder or something equally stupid.
I would give him what he asked for and nothing more.
In his mind, if you offer him the blender, that only means that YOU will eventually be getting the "new" blender, and he will be stuck with the "old" one. It makes no sense to me personally - a blender is a blender, but I think that offering him things will only make him resentful.
I would, after you divvy things up, tell him that you would be happy to part with a few more kitchen items if he feels like he has too much to replace, but aside from that I would keep my mouth shut and limit your conversations to what you will be splitting up.
That is well worded and I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. I like your way of thinking.
Perhaps it would work, as these items come in, to start a box and place them in them, than when the box is full, just let him know what is in it and that I am willing to part with it?
I don't think I would care about resentment, but I believe children can sense these things and so I would like to minimize that for her sake, and I think that part of my worry is that once he DOES get a place and think of some of these little things, he'll regret not taking them, and turn that to resentment for me, if that makes sense. If it weren't for our daughter, he could resent me all he likes, but I don't want her seeing that or sensing it.