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Feel like Im losing interest
I'm losing interest in having sex with my wife. We've been married 7 years, have 2 kids, 3 and 1. She is not physically much different than in years past, so its not like her appearance has changed and I no longer find her attractive. I do still find her attractive but I am not feeling the desire to initiate sex and when we do get it on, I've actually had difficulty climaxing and even had to stop after a while many times because I know I could just go on for an hour and nothing would happen. The last time we did it was about 2 weeks ago and I did not reach orgasm and just stopped after 15 minutes because I wasn't enjoying myself, and she had already had an orgasm during foreplay. I still have a good sex drive, I think about it, I want it, I am attracted to other women and often feel strong desire to have an affair. I honestly feel like if the opportunity came to me, I would have a hard time turning down a woman for something casual.
I'm only 31 and have no health issues, I am not depressed, sleep-deprived, stressed or on any medication. I don't drink to excess or smoke.
I find that the times when I do enjoy sex more, are when we've gone out and had a few drinks and I'm drunk. I feel like I let go more.
Has anyone experienced a lack of desire for their spouse without feeling less overall desire for sex? I am worried that I will have to tell my wife that I'm not feeling as sexually driven for her because she will be upset and feel unwanted and might shut down altogether. Any advice?
Re: Feel like Im losing interest
I can't get past the fact that you referred to sex as "getting it on".
What else has been happening between the 2 of you?
It may very well be you and she are growing apart -- and it's possible to lose desire for somebody.a
It also sounds like you've emotionally checked out of the relationship if you're already talking about possibly having an affair. Being attracted to somebody is one thing -- we all find others attractive; we are married but not dead...:).... but talking about having an affair or being tempted to have one is quite another.
Have you spoken to her at all about how you feel? If you're emotionally checked out of the relationship -- bad news indeed --- I think it is only fair to her to tell her what's what. Why lead her on?
I don't think this is a sexual rut that the 2 of you are in or one of those phases where you can go without sex for awhile or where the frequency of sex had diminished because you've been together for awhile -- all of this is normal.
Thanks. Great advice. You've clearly earned your "silver poster" status.
I dont think I'm emotionally checked out. If that were the case I probably would not be spending time on message boards seeking advice on how to help address this problem. And I immediately regret posting that I strongly desire to have an affair, that's not what I meant. I mean I find myself desiring the lust and passion that comes with the intensity of a new person, and often I fantasize about sex with other women. I'm not pursuing an affair or even looking to flirt with other women.
I guess what I can draw from re-reading my post, is that I feel like my wife is not as desirable to me as she once was, and I fear that the feeling is mutual and we're both just going through the motions with sex.
Marriages plateau from time to time - it is natural.
If you are fantasizing about someone new and exciting, talk to your wife about it. Perhaps the two of you need to just explore some new and exciting areas of sex you have not before. Take a weekend away, just the two of you, and make it a sex-filled free-for-all. By that I mean, do some role-playing, get some toys and other items you might have always wanted to try, shop together at an adult store........whatever. It is possible she is feeling the same way you are - it sounds like you two are in a rut, but if you work together, you should be able to get out of it.
As a Mom of 2 kids 17 months apart I've gotta tell you that you are in the trenches so to speak.
Right now those kids are draining both of you. I remember well the seemingly endless days of meals where we didn't even make eye contact because we were man to man defense taking care of the kids. It's easy to become room mates instead of lovers. A lot of the time and attention that used to be devoted to you is going towards those kids right now.
My best advice is to set up a date night at least once a month where you get a sitter and get away from the kids. Make a rule that you can NOT speak about the kids on said date. Reconnect with each other. Enjoy each others' company and remember why you fell in love, got married and wanted to start a family in the first place.
Carve out time with each other that does NOT have sex as the ultimate goal and you may well find that it ends up leading there as a by product of simply re-connecting.
Another bit of advice is to try mornings instead of evenings for sex. I know for us after a long day of work and dealing with little monkeys we're both just beat. It works much better for us if we set an alarm and carve out some time first thing in the day when we're both fresher.
Also - how much are you pitching in right now? I know for me my husband making dinner for the family was some serious foreplay in my mind.
Take a few minutes to tell her she's doing a good job as a Mom. Tell her you WANT to be intimate with her again and WANT to reconnect. Don't make it about sex, make it about the relationship and intimacy. That way you're focusing on the solution instead of the problem. Work at it together. I remember our "we've become just room mates" conversation and I was so relieved that he didn't want our marriage to be like that any more than I did. It got better once we identified what we'd become and joined forces to make positive change.
Oh... and the BEST thing we did... we took a vacation to Vegas sans kids just recently. I was honestly nervous that with 4 days together and no kids things would be weird. I couldn't have been more wrong. We laughed and had so much fun (in and out of bed).
Put the effort into your marriage and I do believe you can recapture your sex life with your wife.
Divorce is expensive and will do a number on those kids. Look inside for solutions. If you have sons be the kind of man you want them to become and if you have daughters be the kind of man you want to have marry them. I promise things will follow with your wife!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Wow! Best answer ever. What a great post.
Marriage is work. Plain and simple. But the rewards are endless. If you haven't checked out of your marriage, like you say you haven't, there's still a lot left to try, and there's still something there worth saving. You are young, and it's healthy to have a sex drive and normal to find others attractive, but I think it's worth redirecting that towards your wife. I know you would want her to do the same thing (versus directing her attention towards another man). Think about how you would feel if she were to act out on what you're feeling towards another man. Not so good.
Work on reconnecting and rediscovering each other. Do something together that you have never done before. Something that scares you. Bungee jumping, cave diving, swimming with the sharks, skydiving, what have you. They say that new experiences bond people together and ignite hormones. Make new memories together. Good luck!
I don't think you should be worried about talking to her- no doubt she already knows things are not right. If my husband stopped sex after 15 mins without climaxing, I would feel terrible, and know that he wasn't fully in the game (for whatever reason). I am quite sure she is just as torn up about this as you are, and also hasn't felt comfortable bring it up.
You need to talk to your wife and explain that things aren't working for you sexually, but you DO want them to. Even if she is a bit hurt by the problems, she is going to be happy that you still love her and want to fix your relationship.
I think the weekend without kids is a fantastic idea. My parents did this periodically and it was one of the saving graces for their sexual relationship. Even if the sex does not instantly improve, the stress-free time away will help remind you both why you love each other, and what attracted you to them in the first place. It will also give you a chance to talk about anything that pops into your head, which will be great. Open communication really is the key here. Express what you want, and get there together. Good luck!
Again, these are all things we've tried. I think I do the majority of the housework. I cook 4-5 nights a week, I clean up, I handle taking care of the kids, I clean all the bathrooms and mop the floors every week, I give her time to go get her nails done, go shopping with friends, and I stay home with the kids whenever she needs time away. We've taken weekend trips, overnight stays in nearby cities in nice hotels, I take her to nice dinners and go out for some cocktails. Recently we did this for her birthday and after dinner it was about 9pm, all she wanted to do was go back to hotel, which was cool with me, but she kept saying how she was too full and she was tired and basically made no effort to be romantic. I bring her home flowers, and I'm really trying to get her in the mood. She won't even kiss me. Not pecks, but I mean a romantic, passionate kiss.
It's sad, but I can't remember the last time she open-mouth kissed me. We take 2-3 nights a month for date nights. She seems like all she wants to do is get back home as soon as possible. She wants to have dinner at 5 o'clock. And then when we get back home and the kids are sleeping, she runs right up stairs, throws on sweats, grabs the laptop and goes to bed. I've tried being aggressive, but I feel like I'm being accommodated so I can "get off" and I desire more of a connection. I've tried letting her lead, but that never goes anywhere but her in bed a 9pm asleep and me in the basement having a drink and wondering what I'm going with myself. Her idea of "reconnectng" is taking me to some outlet strip mall to follow her around while she tries on clothes, and when I tell her my opinion, she ignores it and never buys anything. I tell her she's sexy, I try to show her, I try to initiate, I engage emotionally, I try to set a mood, light candles, I've bought her lingerie, I've tried to incorporate porn or toys, and it works for a week or two, but then it goes away.
I honestly feel that if we never had sex she would be fine with that. And that's what really bothers me.
One thing that stands out is that it seems like you're doing all this stuff with your end goal being sex. Maybe she senses that. It's great that you're helping and all that, but are you doing it for her and because you love her, or because you want sex? Are you doing what you know turns her on, or are you doing what YOU think should turn her on?
Counseling might be a good idea to help talk through all these issues. Or reading a marriage-type book together (or separately), like The 5 Love Languages. It seems like there's some emotional disconnect going on.
Yup, counseling would be the way to go.
I think you need to have a talk with her about what both of you expects from a sexual relationship at this point in your marriage - come to a compromise of what a good situation would be and find some solutions to get you there. You both need to be working towards the same goal.
Talking to her might be enlightening - she might tell you that she would like to you to do or not do something that you never though of yourself. And hearing you articulate your feelings might make her think of how she acts sexually towards you.