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Calling my dad ..... Nervous
I haven't seen my Dad in 6 months since my wedding and have only
talked to him once or twice since. I posted a previous post about things
that happened at my wedding and also things that lead up to it which
put the icing on the cake of myself getting disappointed by him.
I just talked to my brother about how I am hurt about a lot of things and I'm not quite sure what to do, he suggested that I call him and tell him how I feel, then at least I know that I am putting in effort and willing to work on our relationship, Then I will know I at least did my part.
I am really nervous because last time I told my father my feelings he told me that they were only "feelings" and basically he didn't want to hear them. I don't want to cry when I talk to him either because he will only get upset with me.
I know I need to get up the courage to call him, but I can't seem to dial the phone.
Re: Calling my dad ..... Nervous
I wouldn't bother. It is only going to cause you more hurt feelings. The man is not going to be a different father to you. If you do decide to call, write down a few things you want to say to him. Do not attack him and ask him to explain if you are misunderstanding. Be prepared for him to say you are not worth the effort, he hasn't gone out of this way.
I don't want to be cruel, but you are expecting a lot. Figure out now what you are going to do when you are disappointed again. Have a plan to move on with your life. You've wasted way too much time on him rather than enjoying your husband and being newly married. To paraphrase Helen Keller, it is easier to keep looking at the closed door than to see the open window.
Look...the fact of the matter is that parents are people. And there are just as many shitty people as there are good people.Not that your dad is necessarily SHITTY, but he's, at the very least, not the father you want. And no amount of talking to him will change that. It sucks that you ended up with someone who doesn't love and care about you the way you want. It really, really does. And that's not fair. Trust me, I know all about parents being disappointing. But talking to them about it is, as ECB said, only going to make you feel worse.
Who should you talk to? A therapist. Really and truly. I don't remember if you said in your last post if you were seeing a therapist or not, but if you are, TALK ABOUT THIS. Get this stuff figured out. Decide if you want your father in your life, and if you do, how you're going to go about it. You will have to lower your expectations of him, because he isn't changing, so you are going to have to form your relationship based on the people you both are, not the people you want each other to be.
I know how you feel. My family--mother, father and sister--are all less than stellar. I used to try to talk to them about it, to get the family dynamic to change, whatever. Then I found my therapist, and since then I have learned that they aren't changing, and I'm probably not changing either. Since I've accepted that and acted accordingly, everything has been a heck of a lot better.
If you really feel you need to try to work this out with your dad I would call him, but perhaps go to therapy first. A good couseler will be able to help you work through some of your issues and help you bring it up in a more constructive way.
You may never get what you want from your father. I have father issues myself, but I do maintain more of a relationship then you seem to be able to at this point. My mother had dad issues too and when he died she was really heart broken that it would never be any better and wondered if she could have tried harder to work it out. I don't' think it would have made a difference in her situation and I obviously don't know if talking will make a difference in yours, but if it will let yourself feel better that you've done all you can to fix it then go for it.
I don't even know, he hasn't talked to me in months and hasn't put any effort into it. So i do wonder if he even cares, ever since he got married seven years ago he has check out of our ( my brother and I) lives.
He prob thinks things are fine just the way they are, but then I think he would call if he thought things were fine. I think he knows I am hurt but to big of a coward to actually call me. Let alone apologize for anything he has done,
74 books read in 2011
This is bullshit. I don't go into the posts in which people have shitty MILs and say "YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY YOU HAVE A MIL" just because mine was awesome and passed away. I don't consider myself "lucky" to have anyone in my immediate family, and few in my extended. Some people just have shitty families. They shouldn't have to appreciate that.
Chill out. OP has been posting "YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY YOU HAVE AN X" for others' posts whenever they're the least bit whiny about something.
I have a bio-dad who took off and I've never met in my entire life, and an adoptive dad who beat the *** out of me regularly. I do not consider myself lucky to have either in my life. So cool your jets. I get it.
74 books read in 2011
Oh. Alright then. Well, my apologies. This applies to the OP instead, then. OP, stop being a douche.
I would just have the initial call be the planner for "the talk". IMO, anything worth talking about should be discussed in person. I remember your post, but don't know if you mentioned if your dad is local. If he isn't & a face-to-face talk isn't practical & you feel that you cannot wait any longer until the next time you see him, then phone will have to do.
Try not to have any expectations about how the conversation will go other than he should be open to listening & "hearing" your feelings. Give eachother your own chance to speak without interruptions. Be patient. Be as honest & as clear as you can without offending.
I am in a tough spot with my dad right now and I don't know if we will ever come back from it. It hurts. I commend you for being the bigger person and stepping forward. That means a lot. As long as your dad acknowledges your feelings & respects you, the two of you can go from there. I don't have that support from my dad, therefore, it has made it very difficult.
GL to you!