Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If it was your decision to end the marriage
How did you deal with the begging/pleading/I'll do anything for another chance? I was feeling bad for about a week, but now it's getting on my nerves and I just want to split ourshit up. I'm going to call him tonight to give it another go.
The day I left was just my beginning.
Re: If it was your decision to end the marriage
He didn't give too much of that to be honest. I got the "I can't believe this happened to us, did I ever really make you happy.." that kind of guilt.
I don't know that theres any way to avoid this. If he's feeling desperate then he's going to try to work different angles until he gets the reaction he's looking for - so with that said just continue to ignore it. Also, don't show a negative reaction either because that unfortunately feeds the beast as well.
I tried to be as nice and as understanding - but FIRM - as possible, because my XH didn't really do anything wrong.
I said "I'm sorry" quite a lot. I think I defaulted to that phrase because it made me feel like I was being sensitive to his feelings, but also didn't really invite further conversation.
"Please stay, no one else will love you like I do"
"I'm sorry"
"Please tell me what I did wrong"
"I'm sorry"
"Please give me a chance to make you happy"
"I'm sorry"
I'll admit, this part SUCKS and I was very happy when it was over. (Eventually they do come to understand/accept it. Takes longer for some than others, I'm sure.)
I think this is the route I'm going to take.
Oh, and just so I don't sound hearless- h put me through a lot ofshit and I'm just ready to be done with it.
Yeah, I definitely think it requires a nuanced approach since every situation is so different. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. I hope you find something that works for you!
Stay firm. He moved out so I was able to divide stuff and have it packed for him since he kept thinking I would change my mind.
I did what Only said, too, I said "I'm sorry" or "ok" to a lot of things he said. There were a few times when I said if you can't talk to me about the situation at hand then we can try again tomorrow.
You don't sound heartless at all, you're just ready for this to be over with so you BOTH can move on and be happier.
I wish you well in this journey to your freedom. That is how I looked at it. I was married a long time and he put me through a lot also. It was to late to for him to be nice now.
I do not think you are heartless at all. I never felt heartless. I only felt relief. I was sorry that he could not make changes and be a different person but I had no control over that. I could only control what was best for me.I'd begged him multiple times to go to counseling WITH me. I was already attending solo counseling and wanted him to go to couples therapy as well. He refused. He said the problem was all mine. I gave him an ultimatium that he was either in the marriage with me and would be going to counseling and admit that he was part of the problem too, or the marriage was over.
He thought I was lying. He found out I wasn't.
Once I told him it was done, there was a little begging. But then he turned downright nasty. Lots of snide, sh!tty comments. Like, "So when do I get to sleep with other people".
I just avoided all convo and asked him to move out.
After I found everything out and I left, I refused to talk on the phone at all. The first night I was up all night and he was texting me and i should not have engaged, but I did. After that, every time we actually did have an in person or telephonic conversation, I had to keep myself from screaming blood murder at him (no, trust me, he deserved it. The last telephone call was him saying it was my fault he hadn't fed the dogs in three days and he refused to buy them- or give them- any food because I didn't pick them up on time). I just answered every text with "ok" or "yes/ no". There was no more discussion. I could not engage him and would just not respond if it wasn't something financially related. he would leave me long messages, telling me I was ruining our family, he made a mistake, etc. and i would just delete them.
But I never, ever gave him any indication that I would ever go back or things would ever work out.
Once I got a lawyer he told me I could change my phone number and not have any contact. I opted to block his number initially but did change it.
Having all communication through the lawyer made it easier and he eventually realized how expensive it was and stopped.
Initially, it was hard and I would avoid texts, calls and stayed firm. Only communicate about the finances, house, getting your stuff and business matters. Or maybe have a parent or close friend do it for you if they are willing.