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I talked to my family member today
As you know, 7 posts down I talked about what to do with my family member who is basically killing himself with poor eating choices, total inactivity, heavy use of medications, and desire to get procedures done instead of addressing the cause of the problems.
Today he called and he talked about a doctor and we got into The Conversation. I asked him if I could speak honestly to him and he said yes. So, I said it. I said that he is killing himself. I told him that I'd love to see him happy and healthy and really living his life. I told him that I can't keep enabling him and his unhealthy lifestyle. I told him that I can't support him in future surgeries if he doesn't do anything to avoid them first. I said that I can't live with the guilt that my "helping" him is actually hurting him.
He didn't get mad. He knows that he needs to do something but he didn't realize what a burden he was placing on me and family members. He said that he is lazy and has been taking the easy way out of things. He said, "aren't all people like that?". Um, no. He thinks his way of doing things is normal.
It turns out has been using these doctor visits and procedures to substitute for a social life. He gets so much happiness out of them because he gets out of the house and around people. And, he claims he can't do things around the house so it forces us to come over and "help" him, when in reality he could do it himself. So, medical issues have become a positive experience for him and pay off in the reward of companionship. I called him on all of that and he said that was all true. He said it's a great time when we go to the doctor and then go out to lunch, etc. Great for him, yes. Great for me and my family members? No. He never thought of it that way.
So, he said he's got a lot of thinking to do and he said he's glad I said something. He didn't realize that we saw through much of what he was doing. He knows he's got to make a change if he wants to live longer and he now understands why I'm feeling guilty about doing so much for him.
We discussed the back surgery and I honestly said that I can't support him until he does something for himself first, like exercise, eat healthy, and maintian a lower weight for a certain length of time. I did emphasize that he is a grown adult and has the right to make his own choices, but that doesn't mean I will always support them.
It was a productive talk with no hard feelings. *whew!* Thanks everyone for your input and advice.
Love to scrapbook!
Re: I talked to my family member today
I totally agree that you can not help someone until they can help themselves first, its like any addiction they have to admit they have a problem and willing to do something about it first.
Do you live near them? Maybe you can help by motivation and going on walks with them? That will get them out of the house and be social, how about suggesting a support group, even like weight watchers?
He was in Weight Watchers but quit after a while. I've found all kinds of things for him to socially for single adults, and even drove with him to many of the places, got the schedules, etc. But he won't go. I've offered to go with him the first time but he won't go. I've tried walking with him but gave up because he either won't go at the last minute or says he can't do it and stops. I've pretty much done every.single.thiing I can do for him. At this point, he has to get motivated to do it on his own.
Seriously, there is not a single thing I can do for him at this point, as I tried it all. That's why I wrote my original post: do I keep trying or realize that I'm enabling him and stop.
After reading your first post, detailing that he admitted to doing all of this because he wanted a social life, makes sense as an underlying issue.
But this post of yours describing everything you've done "socially" for him and his refusal for each step makes me wonder if he was lying to you.
Maybe he just loved the "going out to lunch" part.
I think it is great that you had that conversation. It is very hard (at least for me) to do things like that.
Good for you--it sounds like you handled it really well. I hope that it can serve as a wake up call for your family member.
"Maybe he just loved the "going out to lunch" part. "
Sorry. Not good at quoting. But I have to say that this sentence makes it clear that PP doesn't get eating disorders at all. Wow. Maybe he just loves the food. Maybe bulimics just love the puking. And you KNOW anorexics just love how good they look in clothes. Right? No?Stupid lazy fat people. They just like food. So glad there is still a group of people we can openly make fun of, and judge.
Wow.
That proves you were enabling him. Just wow. It's so rare to get such clear validation for a gut instinct.
Be prepared for a major blow back from this conversation. He does not want to change. He's going to have to up his game to get you to do what he wants - a social life revolving around doctor appointments and visits. He'll probably have some kind of pain issue - like back spasms that lay him out. (And the pain will be real to him.)
This is going to get worse before it gets better. If it ever gets better. And yes, you HAVE to stop your role in this. Even if it brings you great pain to stop.
I am so happy to hear how well the conversation went. You should be very proud of yourself!
It will be hard, but stick to the words you said. As with enabling anyone, we keep hoping they have hit their rock bottom and will change, but this may not be his. Let's hope this is, and he will turn a new leaf.
This is remarkable. I was all against saying anything; it's wonderful that he was as receptive as he was. That said, be prepared for some backlash.
Stick to your promises, ok? It's easy to think 'well, he heard me, and it was really hard to hear that, so I'm going to ease up on him a bit" or whatever. Stick to what you told him.
This is what I was thinking. And honestly anyone in poor health is prone to depression. I would spend my energy urging him to see a mental health professional as opposed to trying a new diet plan.