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W.T.F. how would you react?
So, I just found out my sister (20) is pregnant (again -she has a one year old) and I found out through facebook. Nice, huh?
Here's the problem. She has absolutely no money, lives in a crap apartment where she doesn't have to pay rent (income-based), she has no job, is still immature/disrepectful despite all the help she's given and she just wants more and more, still just wants to drink and crap, has moved in and out of our house (with the baby) 3 times!! and is currently in a custody battle with her ex.
She owes my family tons of money and she doesn't even do anything for work. She asks for help - babysitting, money, etc. all the time.
Now she's pregnant with another dude (her ex's best friend might I add) and I don't even know what to say.
Yes, I'm being judgy but this is another child we are talking about here.
I definitely am not happy about it and I think it's ridiculous. Am I just supposed to say congrats and just ignore her or like really say how I feel (not to an extreme).
I just don't even know right now; this is ridiculous. Also, I should add my sister and I are polar opposties and never really got along - only thing we have any real connection with is my niece. What do you think?
*will probably DD later
Re: W.T.F. how would you react?
Drinking? How come CPS hasn't gotten involved in this? if she is an active alcoholic, her child and child to be is in danger, I'd get CPS in on it STAT.
She needs to grow up and your parents -- and you -- need to stop enabling her.
AlAnon for you, stat, being she's got a drinking problem. GL.
I wouldnt say a word.
i also would not help her at all. The only reason she is keeps asking for help, is because she keeps getting it.
This exactly. The best way to grow up is to lose your safety net.
I wonder if she put it on Fb bc the majority of "friends" are extremely supportive whereas she might already know that being pregnant again is going to piiss you off. She doesn't want to deal with any negativity. Afterall she's clearly all about "me" and those types of people never like to listen to anyone else.
Ditto. It's her life and her choices/consequences. Stay out of it. And stop helping her.
Ditto, so far everyone has been enabling her to maintain her behavior. You said yourself she has moved in and out of your house 3 times. Don't let her move in. Don't help her! She has no reason to grow up because she knows someone will just bail her out when needed. I wouldn't work and would party all the time if I knew someone would take care of me!
When you say "she owes my family money" - do you mean you and your H, or your parents? Ditto "she has moved in and out of our house." - a house you share with your H or partner, or your parent's home?
Do not worry about anybody else but yourself. If your parents want to give her money or shelter or buy her clothes and designer handbags, that is THEIR choice. You can't control them, and if she is getting support from them, it's not your job to butt into that relationship. Keep your mouth shut. You can only establish your own boundries and not get roped into buying formula, diapers, babyfood, or clothes for your growing niece.
The best thing you can do is live your life and be a positive role model for your niece. Finish college, get a great job, and show your niece that there is a better life for those who work for it. I would help when your sister ASKS for babysitting when she goes out at night, but I would take time to bond with your niece when it works for you and your schedule. Call your sister and say "I'd like to take niece (and future baby, when they arrive) to the park / zoo / circus on Saturday. Would they like to go?" That is not enabling your sister (b/c it is on your terms, when it fits your schedule).
i just want to add that what might be normal 20yr old irresponsible / partying behavior could very well be CPS-worthy for a woman with a young child.
so i wouldn't make your mark of concern whether or not it's appropriate for her age, but whether it's negatively impacting her child.
but yeah, in general - i would take the others' advice on here and stop enabling her.
If you talk to her in person, wish her a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby and leave it at that.
She keeps acting this way because nobody's stopped her. It was your parents' job before age 18 to let her know that this is unacceptable behavior ... once she turned 18, she became an adult and became responsible for herself. Your parents should've stopped giving her money, a place to stay, bailing her out of her problems, etc.
If she keeps getting away with this kind of behavior, do you really blame her for not changing her ways? She does it because it WORKS. So DO NOT offer her any kind of help or a bailout. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions herself.
I think the real shock and anger is that this second pregnancy has shifted what yo thought her lifestyle was from one where she had an unplanned teen pregancy, but rallied, got her life together and made a success of herself .... to one where she's going to be unemployed, with a string of bad relationships, mooching, multiple children with little hope of success.
I think you're angry because she is on the path of being dependent and unsuccessful. You have a right to be angry, but really its not your life or your life choices. Unless you want to angry forever, you have to accept that she may be living in public housing and dirt poor for a while. Stop pretending that she needs a little help, a boost or a bit more support to "get on her feet". This is her lifestyle now.
I hope it changes.I hope the new baby daddy is a solid guy who can step-up for his child and her. But you need to face her choices and challenges just as much as she does. This is who she is, can you love her anyway?
As for "speaking to her". I think she needs someone to listen to her more than she needs someone to talk at her.
How does she not pay rent? The income-based housing I am aware of still charges rent... it's just based on a tenant's income. So since she doesn't have a job, she lives there free? Hmm... (Basically I'm asking how she can live somewhere if she's jobless? and if she's jobless, how can she afford baby#1?)
And unfortunately, I agree with PPs -- she knows her family will help her out and that's why she keeps asking for help. :-/ It's a crappy situation, and I'm sorry, but what you should say depends on how involved you want to be, if at all.
Plus, she probably knows that family members/friends are less likely to turn her away if she's got babies that need to be taken care of.
She knows what works, which is why she keeps doing it. As stupid as her decisions may be, it doesn't sound like she's personally all that stupid if she's learned how to work the system. She gets to do whatever she wants, because Mommy and Daddy and whoever else will just keep bailing her out. She does all this because there aren't any consequences.
It's not your job to be her parent, so the best thing you can do is just stay out of this.
This is a terrible situation. :-(
In all honesty, I would have slapped her on the back of the head and ask her WTF is her problem and then I would lecture her about how her irresponsibility is going to further affect the life of the child she has now and her future child and then I would help her when I could, maybe not with money but with babysitting etc.
It's not the baby's fault that their mother is an idiot.
If I were in that predicament, my sisters would do the same to me.
Even a "drink here and there" will easily cause FAS to an unborn... my stepbrother has it {fetal alcohol syndrom} and thanks to the irresponsible mother who "drank here and there before she knew she was pregnant" although thats just her excuse, he now also has mental and physical programs due to it. This is a serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly.
she sounds irresponsible but I don't like drama, and I deal with enough of it in the family so unless it directly involves me, I stay quiet and keep the peace.
as far as the partying, if it doesn't come to a stop, you need to report it. Think of the child that deserves a fair life.
You can do that in confidentiality where a case worker can investigate.