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I know what I want to do - but am i being selfish?
I have been separated since before summer. I still talk to him because of my son - even though he is not my son's birth father he is still very involved and we do have a visitation schedule. He still expresses interest in getting back together, but at this point I am 100% over it. Its like the post last week - Too little too late. He hasn't accepted that yet.
Last Tuesday before Thanksgiving he came to pick up my son and keep him Wednesday (no school) and then they were making the 2hr trip Wed afternoon to my parents for Thanksgiving. He picked him up at school and then went to the house to get his overnight bag. My son has a key to get in. I am almost positive, just because of the things he said that he went through my nightstand and found evidence I am seeing someone (little notes, a birthday card). I know he did not ask my son, because this relationship is a secret to him. We got into a huge fight, he threatened to not go to my parents, he wasn't going to keep my son on Wed...just everything he could say. Eventually he decided that yes he would go to Thanksgiving. He has no family in the area, so I'm guessing he decided this would be his best option. My parents invited him through me, and I thought it would be good for my son who is taking this separation hard, and because I was being nice knowing he had no where else to go.
Wed night at my parents we are putting my son to bed, and stbx seems suprised that we aren't going to be sleeping in the same bed. 
It was a long drive, getting late, and I was tired of dealing with him so I told him I was going to bed. He starts texting me that he is leaving. I didn't engage him, I just told him I was tired and for him to go to sleep too.
The next morning he is still there...obviously because the whole thing was an attention seeking stunt. Around 11:00 out of the blue he starts argueing, about everything and nothing, and how now he wants to leave again. OH THE DRAMA. I just want to spend time with my family and not be up in some bedroom arguing for TWO hours. He stays for dinner and then for the first football game and then he leaves.
This weekend my parents and my brother and his girlfriend are coming down to cut a Christmas tree, decorate and hangout - something weve been doing for the last 5 years. Originally he was going to come. Now based on actions at Thanksgiving, I just really don't feel like dealing with him. My brother and gf are spending the night, there will be drinking, and I just feel like he will either try to stay or will act all depressed when I tell him he can't. My son wants him to be there, my parents don't care and my mother even made a comment that "he wasn't that bad at Thanksgiving" - You weren't fighting with him for 2 hours on a holiday.
I just really don't feel like dealing and I also feel like when he comes to these things its almost sending him mixed signals. Should I suck it up for the sake of my son? I know I should set the boundries ahead of time...but I set boundries for Thanksgiving too and see how those went over.
Re: I know what I want to do - but am i being selfish?
This is exactly what I was thinking the entire time reading this. I mean, you are broken up but he still comes to family holidays??? I would be confused by this if it were me.
I don't have kids so take my advice with a grain of salt. I can understand that you and your son still want STBX in his life. But I think doing FAMILY things with him is crossing a line and sending mixed signals to BOTH your X and your son. I think it would be fine for your son to spend some time with X if you guys are all in agreement but I wouldn't let him come for family functions. No way. Again, Just MHO.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
You are sending him confusing signals by inviting him into your house and to sleep at your family's house on holidays. I'd be upset if my ex was sending me signals that I thought meant they still wanted to be with me and I found out they were seeing someone else.
What is keeping you from letting go of this person?
I don't really look at it as I'm not able to let him go for me, but I guess in a way I am trying to keep the peace with him because he has no legal requirement to stay involved in my son's life. And being as he is the only father he's ever known, I guess I just fear one day he'll grow tired of the dad thing if he doesnt need to be.
And yes I do see the mixed signals thing on his end, but I never really thought about it as mixed signals from my son's side.
Be prepared that when he does fully move on from you he will move on from your son as well. I've seen too many times where they stick around trying to impress mom with how great they are, but then mom finds somebody else or they do (and THAT girlfriend won't understand why he's still seeing your son) and a choice will be made.
I can't see this ending well.
I hope he's not that guy. But I guess I can't force him.
You can't force him,but not EVERY man will act that way. My step-father still has contact with his"son" even though the man is not his biologically. My mother would never dream of making him choose whether to be involved with her or the son he has raised his entire life. Some leave, some stay, there are no guarantees.