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Deep Thoughts by Only
Read a really interesting
discussion about choice and how it doesn't make your life (or societies)
better, it actually paralyzes you and makes you regretful when you do
choose, even if you chose something good. Because you are left wondering
what else is out there. If there is anything about your choice that you
are even slightly unhappy with, you can't help but wonder if you could
have made a different choice that would have made you happier. This goes
for simple products like pants and salad dressing, and more complicated
choices like careers and spouses. And, the burden for all of this is on
YOU -- there were tons of options, YOU picked one, so if you're not
happy, it's your fault, right? (PM me if you want the link to it.)
I think it's been hard for me to
commit in the past because I'm always wondering about what else is out
there. The person you pick to be with will have some great qualities that you like.
But there will always be other people out there who have qualities you
like that your S.O. doesn't have. I think I've always had "buyer's
remorse" with S.O.s because of this, even if they were great people. I was always wondering, Well, would life be better if I were with someone who had X?
I think I'm learning that choosing
to be with someone is, well, just that: a choice. Every day, you have to
stumble through a world where anything is possible, and potential mates
are everywhere, but you have to remember that you CHOSE your S.O. for
some reasons (whatever they are), and yes, it's possible that you could
have been happy with any number of people, but you chose THIS ONE. Being
in a relationship is a commitment to that person, but it is also a
commitment to that choice. It is being respectful of that choice. It is a commitment to making decisions with that choice and that person in mind.
I think all this helps me see things more clearly, and I think it helps me understand marriage better, but it doesn't make commitment any less scary.
Re: Deep Thoughts by Only
That "case for settling for mr. good enough" book talked a lot about this. She said there are people who are maximizers, like you, who are always thinking they could have something more or better instead of focusing on the fact that what they have is most of everything of what they want.
In the book she mentions the husband building where there are great guys on the first floor, better ones who are attractive on the next, super attractive and rich ones on floor higher, etc until you get to the top floor and there's no one left. You can't have everything so we need to choose what's important to us and stick with it. I think this is exactly what you've come to realize.
You know, I've always thought that the anti-choice mindset you mentioned in your first paragraph was a lot of nonsense to avoid something pretty trivial. If you take away choices, you take away the meaning of life; you're just an automaton. Sacrificing meaning for something so petty as not ever having a moment of wondering what if seems, I don't know, cowardly.
I commented on that because it was more interesting than the latter issue. You KNOW what I think of that "settling for Mr. Good Enough" mentality. If you think you'd be happier exploring different options, well, maybe you would. Serial monogamy is a very underrated lifestyle, and I think we as a society would be a lot better off if we quit trying to push the one mate for life and then children paradigm as the only valid option.
Yeah, and
yes. Believe it or not, there was also a related discussion on happiness, which was equally interesting.
And I think all of it is related to the idea that you create your life as a series of choices you make. Life does not "happen to" you. YOU choose your actions and your attitudes. You are not helpless to feel or do otherwise if something (usually "someONE," ha) comes along with the potential to ruin your marriage, etc. You can choose to eliminate or minimize that risk, and continue being happy with the life you have chosen.
But I think that takes a lot of maturity, restraint, and being at peace with who you are and what you really need to be happy.
Well, the author said at the end that there is a kind of happy medium for what is ENOUGH choice, but not TOO much.
The answer is not, obviously, NO choice at all.
ETA - his focus was not relationships - it was much more general - but I am extrapolating. So the idea that we can control how many options there are for mates is not really supportable, but I'm just talking, here.
If my stbxh had this perspective of relationship is a choice and you make your own happiness, then we would still be together!
YGPM back!
I think it is also understanding that like is not going to be puppies and rainbows everyday. It is recognizing that at time we are not going to be content all the time and that is okay.
Email me the link, please.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Possibly!
But I also wanted to add something else. I don't mean that everyone should "just try" and make their relationship work. Some relationships do need to end. My main thought here was for people who can get "distracted" by what else might be out there, even when they're completely happy in their current relationship.
Sent!
A totally fine way to live for some people.
Immediately after my split, I considered that I might be destined for this life. But the more distance I put between myself and my marriage, the more sure I am that I do want to spend my adult life committed to one person (just not that one, ha). I want to be laughing at inside jokes with my spouse when I'm 85. I think serial monogamy would leave me feeling lonely.
But yeah, I'm sure it's the perfect lifestyle for many people out there.
back at ya
and again!
You've got a PM from me.
I think it's really true, I'm a good example of people that react this way. Once I make a decision I'm fine, but I definitely suffer from the fear that I'm never making the correct choice, and sometimes it keeps me from making a change that would be really beneficial for me (because sometimes it seems easier to do nothing than to do something different).
Replied!
I think you'll find the discussion really interesting
Sent - enjoy!
To be honest, it was what I was pretty sure I wanted for a long time. I'd probably still go that route if Mr. Kuus weren't, you know, himself. I think I could be happy with many people for a limited time before tiring of them.
Same here.
Personally, I have found that some of what people are "looking" for is unrealistic. There's always going to be something or someone better than what you have (and better than YOU for that matter). At some point you have to decide you are committed to the relationship you are in and will do the work to make it be the best it can be and you be the best you can be in it.