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I don't know what to think about son's friend
My son has a friend who lives in the neighborhood and occasionally comes over to play. They are both in the same class and ride the bus together. Well, since the bus stop is about a half a mile from the house I usually meet my son there because I don't trust him walking home alone. He just isn't mature enough and occasionally when I have been late picking him up I've noticed that he's easily influenced by his friend. His friend is either running in the middle of the road, opening mailboxes, running on people's lawns, picking at their gardens, etc. The first time I caught my son following his friend I told him that I didn't ever want to catch him doing that again. When he started to say "but he's doing it, why can't I," I just told him that he has no control over what his friend does- that he only needs to make sure he isn't doing it. I let him know that it's not ok to run in the middle of the road but instead should walk on the side of the road at all times. I also told him that he's not allowed to walk on or vandalize anyone's property or touch their mailbox because not only could he get in trouble but so can I. Also, that he's not allowed to get in anyone's car except mine. Since then I've noticed that he doesn't follow his friend anymore even when I'm late picking him up from the bus stop (which makes me really happy).
When my son gets off the bus his friend asks for a ride. I've already spoken with his mom and she told me that unless it's raining he must walk home. She made it very clear that she didn't want me giving her kids a ride. However, everyday (it never fails) he asks for a ride and each time I tell him no. Well, the other day it was raining and he asked for a ride. Since their mother wasn't there to pick them up I said ok no problem (she said I could if it's raining). Well he gets in the front seat and then his older brother hops in the front as well. They were practically sitting on top of each other fighting over who gets to ride in the front. Well, there's no way I was going to let both ride in the front because not only is it illegal but someone can call the cops on me if they see two kids in the front. So I told them that they had to make a decision on who was going to ride in the front and who was riding in the back. I figured since it was raining that they'd quickly come to a conclusion. I was wrong. They fought for 5 minutes until I finally told them that if they didn't make a decision they would have to walk home in the rain. Finally, they both decided they'd rather walk home. I felt bad but then again it's not really my responsibility to drive them home when it's raining. If their mom isn't there to pick them up then she doesn't mind them walking home in the rain right?
When they do come to my house it's a nightmare. The older brother who is 8 is pretty quiet and prefers to play alone- so I've never really had an issue with him. But the 6 year old is a handful for me. He rips through the house and leaves a mess as well as helps himself to food without asking. I've kindly asked him to pick up after himself but he just ignores me. I'm not sure what to think of that but I can understand his messiness since my son isn't the most organized child. However, if it were my son at his friends house I don't think his mother would appreciate him making a mess and not picking it up after she asked him to. Then there's the issue of him jumping on furniture and scaring our dog to the point he peed in my son's room. My dog has never done that and when I asked my son what happened he told me his friend was scaring our dog with a toy sword. This was while I was making dinner. I've also caught him standing on top of my computer desk which is obviously dangerous.
I understand kids aren't perfect (including my son) but I don't know what to think of my son's friend. The last time his mother called I didn't answer the phone because I just didn't feel like dealing with her son. However, he still asks for a ride and though I tell him no, he tries to open the front door anyways. Actually, he succeeded at it today and made his way into my car and sat in the front seat. I had to scold him a little and tell him that I'm not allowed to give him a ride. He said that he and his brother made a decision about who's sitting where but I just told him "No, your mom didn't say I could give you a ride." It was raining but I just decided that it's best they walk. Do you think I'm handling this well or I'm being too harsh? I feel terrible that those kids have to walk home in the rain but like I said it's not my responsibility to give them a ride. Now if their mom called me and asked me to pick them up then I would...but she has never called. I don't think the little one is mature enough to walk home considering how he behaves (walking on property, opening mailboxes, etc.). I don't want to talk to his mother about his behavior because I don't think it would be right, plus I'm pretty sure she's aware of it already. I just don't think she cares. My son was a little upset that I didn't give his friend a ride but I think he has realized that if his friend will not follow my rules then he's out of luck. I really feel that my son's friend comes to my house because he thinks he can do whatever he wants. When I try to correct him it's nearly impossible until I raise my voice. I don't want to be screaming at a someone else's kid so that's why I have decided maybe it's better he just not come over anymore because I don't have the patience. Do you think I'm being too harsh?
Re: I don't know what to think about son's friend
No, I don't think you're being too harsh. I had this same problem with my neighbor's daughter who was friends with my dd. It got to the point where I quit letting them play together. If the neighbor girl knocked on the door, I would just tell her dd couldn't play.
I explained to dd that her behavior was not ok and that's why I didn't like them playing together. My dd agreed with me.
Now, she never knocks on our door and her mom has never come to ask why. I believe her mom knows her daughter is out of control, but just doesn't care. In the meantime, it's not up to me (or you) to allow that type of behavior in my home.
No, I don't think you are being too harsh! I think at age 6 you need to have some degree of control over who your kids play with and who they don't.
If I were in your shoes, I would be a little more proactive in calling up other kids from school and asking them over for playdates so that your son has a wider circle of friends. It's a lot easier to say "well, we are already having Timmy over this week" than saying "you can't play with Johnny."
Also, I'm not sure how long your son's playdates are, but if he is coming over after school and staying until you make dinner - - that's a very long playdate IMO. My (6 yo) son's playdates aren't more than 60-90 minutes. After that, the kids get bored and restless.
I will say don't write this kid off entirely. There were kids who were very poorly behaved in first grade (mean, rough - and these were girls!), who by 4th grade are nice kids. But until this boy behaves you don't need to give yourself a headache by inviting him over.
IMHO, you should have your kid involved with afterschool activities, where he could find classmates, or children his age with similar interests.
Yes, easier said than done. But this other kid and his brother seem to be "wild" due to lack of parenting from their mother. WTH won't his mother come pick them up when its raining?!? Oh well, not your business.
You are not out of line/harsh. You are looking out for the well being of your own children.
Oh gosh...no, I don't think you're being harsh.
Doesn't sound like your son is really 'friends' with this kid and his brother...so I would stop inviting them over for playdates. If they ask, just say "no, we can't have a playdate". Try not to give excuses, reasons etc
What a pain to have to deal with this EVERY day! Maybe you can get your son involved with some activities after school, so he's not taking the bus home daily? That might offer you some relief. To be honest, if this were me, I'd probably be picking my son up at school to avoid dealing with the kid altogether!
To your son, when he says he wants to do X, you say no, and he says "But Bad Kid does it": "Yes, I know. And you see how dreadful it is."
To the Bad Kid and Brother Bad Kid when they ask for a ride home: "Your mother has told me not to do this. I'm sorry".
To the Bad Kid and Brother Bad Kid when they're in your home behaving appallingly: "It's time for you to go home now". You are also allowed to say things like "In this house we don't shout"; "In this house we don't kick the cat" or whatever, if you're willing to tolerate their presence.
It's also ok to say "No, this is not a good time for you to come over and play", whenever you want to. These kids don't sound like they're reallly good friends of your son, but rather they're geographical/situational friends. They live nearby, they're close to the same age, so they play, but there's no actual close tie there. So find some other friends for your kid, and have those people over.
I'm not sure why you think you have to tolerate this behavior, or allow these children in your home. They're rotten kids; limit your son's exposure.
These kids are 6 and 8? Why are they even allowed in the front seat? If I gave them a ride (and that's a big if!) I'd be all "Nope, back seat please. We're not moving until you're buckled into the back seat."
And 30 minutes before any playdate ends is put toys away time. While you're standing over them.
Sounds like a few basic ground rules are in order: Scaring animals, jumping on furniture, etc. are all grounds for immediate end of the playdate. I have one son's friend in particular who was prone to temper tantrums. They walloped me for sure every time he had one (which was not every time he came, but often enough to be a worry). Anyway, one day when I saw one on the horizon I calmly explained that I would not tolerate a temper tantrum and if one started, I'd call his mom to come get him. He started one, I called his mom (who came and got him), and he's never had one here since.
And I judge the mom who lets her 6 and 8 yo's with a history of running in the street, on people's lawns and gardens, and opening mailboxes walk 1/2 mile home from the bus stop. They will not spontaneously learn this stuff is not okay, or even dangerous!
I couldn't stop thinking about this part. Who lets their 6 and 8 year old walk half a mile home from school?! That's scary. WTH? Why isn't she getting them?
of course you're not being harsh by not having him over anymore. He causes too much grief when he's there.
And don't pick them up at the bus stop. Their mom said no and I'm not sure if she could create some sort of legal trouble for you or not if you pick her kids up without her permission. I know you feel bad for the kids, but don't risk it. I think she's nuts for not getting her kids, especially when it's raining. What's wrong with her.
I think you're doing exactly what I would do in that situation, what else could you do?
I wouldn't allow the child to play at my house until his behavior improves, and I would explain that to my son.
I do not think you're being harsh at all - and looking back I realized some of my childhood friends had 'bad' parents. Or, parents that didn't care.
I remember when I was 12 I was hanging out with a "popular" girl and my mom called her house to talk to me. The Dad answered the phone and my mom apparently said "This is Milsey's mom--" and he said "who?" and my mom asked if I was there and he just responded "I don't know who your kid is." There wasn't a party, but my friend and her siblings always had people over so their parents just never cared. At the time I thought it was cool. Now, not so much.
I would not allow a child who purposely scared my pets (to the point of peeing!) over to my house. No thanks.
That's annoying that they just send their kids over, and I can understand you not wanting to say "No" because you're put in an awkward situation. Sorry you have to deal with this. :-/
Unless the bus stop is on a highway I can't imagine why a 6 and 8 year old can't walk home alone. Why would you waste gas and drive a mile total to pick up your kid?
In regards to the other issues, you need to act like the adult and set ground rules, say no and be firm.
I miss you lite-brite!