Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
F/U to the relationship poll
for the "thing that gives you pause" (or concerns you) about your S.O., what are you doing about it?
Asking him to talk with you about it?
Actively looking for a compromise?
Trying to change yourself to accommodate it?
Talking about it in therapy (individual or together)?
Giving it time and seeing how things develop?
Something else?
Nothing?
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Re: F/U to the relationship poll
We have had conversations about it. I have told him that for now it is all his decision, but in the future... As long as him helping his friends does not affect our family I am all for it. He told me that when we are sharing expenses we will review these things together and he will always make sure we are both ok with it.
I have no intention of always saying no. I just want to make sure he/we is/are not being taken advantage of.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Mine was that I am concerned about my SO not having a college degree. For some reason I get hung up on that and I always said that was a prerequisite to being in a relationship with someone. It just makes me nervous. I don't want them to for some reason lose their job and never be able to find one. I don't want to be supporting anyone.
However, I am learning to get past it.
A lot of people I know have college degrees and still can't get jobs.
SO has a stable job and is in management so the experience would be valuable if he ever lost his job.
The reason he didn't go to college is because he pursued professional hockey instead. I can't hate on him for getting paid to do something he loves.
ETA: My concern is that due to his job as a bartender, our schedules don't always mesh, and that women throw themselves as him pretty regularly.
We talk about it quite a bit. We do our best to work with the schedules as best as possible, even if if means one of us sacrificing a little sleep or free time. If a customer gets really pushy or aggressive with him, he always lets me know -- and I'm trying to be more zen and not let my jealous streak get the best of me. We go out of our way to make time for one another, and we have really open communication. We always say we never want to hear anything secondhand.
He's also thinking about other jobs he'd be interested in. He's been in the industry for a long time, and it's wearing on him. Hopefully,this won't even be a concern in a few months!
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Mine was that he has no relationship with his family.
Well, it's not any of my business. He lost the relationship 11 years ago. I just think that they do things to try to mend the relationship (his siblings will text him to go out or his mom will text him to do lunch) and while he says he would like to repair it, he doesn't actively do anything.
I tell him to invite his brother or sister over to the house (baby steps?) but he never does. It's a touchy subject for him, so I tread lightly.
It's just that....I feel like I am his only relationship (no super close friends, only *friendly* co-workers).
Ouch. My XBF was like this. He was more clingy that super strength saran wrap. It just sucked because I always felt like I was "being mean" if I had my own life, i.e. went out with my friends without him.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
He isn't clingy...I think he is just kind of a loner. He seems perfectly happy spending all the live long day on his G.D. iPhone. That being said, it sometimes seems like he doesn't "need" me, because he is perfectly happy alone (I guess this relates to the below post).
But then that's his choice if he doesn't want outside relationships. But are you okay with that?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Yeah, I don't know why it would really impact me if he doesn't have close relationships with anyone beside me, but I kind of just wonder why.
This became a pretty big issue with XH...I was pretty much his only constant friend. Therefore, I was his only person he could vent to, etc. about anything. It got to be too much, often. Looking back, it's because he too easily could cut people out of his life and it usually tended to be "their fault". But after 30 years, and you can't really say you have any long term friends, except family friends? Hmmm...makes me wonder.
For this reason, someone with only a few friends is a issue that might be a red flag to me.
Agreed. Southsam, you may want to do more digging on this. I do think there are circumstances that would make this "okay" per se. Both with my BF and my brother, they lost a lot of friends in their divorce because both of their exes trashed them to all their friends. Both BF and brother refused to trash talk back or respond so the friends just naturally took the side of the XWs.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Without airing too much of his dirty laundry, his relationship with his family was rocky since his childhood. Fine. Then he had a *psycho girlfriend* (in stars b/c I have only heard his side of the story) who cut him off from ALL contact with his family and friends. She was apparently very controlling. He pretty much went straight from her to me, so he is starting over in his own way. I just don't see a lot of effort to branch out on his part. I must note, he has INTENSE social anxiety. It's painful for both of us. As in, he won't call in to order Chinese food. He is painfully shy.
...But he didn't seem shy to just me when we first started talking!! When it's just the two of us, he is very open and talkative, etc....
I see that he is trying very hard to get more projects and he has several lined up. He also has been putting in his resume for a regular 8-5 job. I know he has a lot of ambition to get out of the financial trouble he is in due to his divorce and the economy. I appreciate his effort and I plan to wait it out and hope his situation improves. I don't anticipate making a huge committment like marriage until I feel that he is more stable financially.
We've discussed it. I have given him reason to "pause" as well, with my issues related to trust and cheating. We have an very open line of communication and have really had no issues discussing things.
When I can tell something is bothering him, and he kind of has that "wall" up...I just let him know that I understand why he is protecting himself and that I am more than willing to listen and help him through things if he'd like to talk.
It used to take awhile for him to talk to me. Now, I hardly have to say anything.
It's just a work in progress. He's receptive, as am I...so that makes it easier.
BF has, uh, challenging parents. His dad is an alcoholic and his mom is basically an overgrown teenager. He's very aware of their shortcomings and has worked hard to build a good relationship with them that involves some solid boundaries. He's talked to a counselor about it in the past.
I haven't met his parents yet, but will over Xmas. I'm trying to keep an open mind. We've talked about things like his parents' retirements, elder care, etc., and what to expect down the line. He will most likely have to financially support his mom at some point. It's a challenge I'm willing to take on, just as he's willing to take on being my brother's "guardian" one day. We've got each other's backs. We'll be a modern blended family, LOL.
So, open communication has been the key for us. We're both good at it.
Yeah....your BF is a pot head who told you he loved you on day one and the thing that you love most about him is his physical appearance......
SMH.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04