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True Advice
I would really like some real advice. Yes this is an AE, I wouldn't normally do this but I need unbiased opinions.
First some background. So I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I am 33 to his 41. He just recently retired from the military after being in for 20 years, started a great paying career, and his children have moved out of the house. He and I get along famously, he is a gentlemen, treats me well, is honest, and is smart. i love him very much, we just have this thing together. But the issues are this. Because of all of his recent life changes he is feeling his freedom and trying to decide what to do with his life. Many of these things are things I could not do with him, because I have a 13 year old. Ex. traveling the world in a boat, backpacking in Europe etc. So he talks to me about all these amazing things he wants to do, but its him doing them not us. The second issue and most important is he is concerned about children being in the house again. He is just passed his children being at home and so he has made noises about how he doesn't know if he wants to be responsible for another child. Now, his theory of being responsible means, taking on the father role. I am not looking for that right now, its only 7 months in, my daughter is older, so I am not looking for a pesudo dad. Just someone who is involved in both our lives. And although he is stellar with my daughter, which he is, my daughter thinks he is great and she has despised my previous 2 relationships... he still doesn't want to get too involved.
I guess I wonder if this is my issue or his, or both. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon? thats completely possible. Or perhaps we got into a relationship when he really needed to have time to be selfish because life had been all about the military and his children, he is totally deserving of "me" time, but now where do I fit?
Additionally, and this is for anyone male or female. He has ambitions, as do I for things we want to do in the future. When I have brought up the fact that they are not conducive to a relationship, he says "if it was meant to be it will be, I would never hold you back from your dreams, I would expect the same". Well that is all fine and dandy, but shouldn't a relationship and love take some priority. Not everything of course, because I don't want to hold him back from his passions, I guess I just wish I could be involved with them.
Ok, done. Sorry for the length.
Re: True Advice
Honestly, you may just be at different places in your life. He is done with kids and ready to have his freedom. The fact that he uses "I" statements and not "we" statements says something to me too. If I were in your shoes, I would sadly be backing off if I ever wanted anything more than what we presently had.
Sorry.
Thank you for your thoughts. I had wondered that as well. And my biggest concern is getting so deep into this that it hurts my daughter. Right now we all hang out just about once every three weeks or so, so she isn't too invested, but I hate to wait until she is. And the "I" comments bothered me too. He had expressed that he thought of things in "we" but it just doesn't come off this way. *sighs* I think this is one of those I have to be responsible and hurt so my girl doesn't have too. Sometimes being an adults sucks.
Being an adult does suck. I'm sorry. I can tell that you really like him.
eta:
He had expressed that he thought of things in "we" but it just doesn't come off this way.
Re: Your above statement. This is one of those cases where I think that actions speak louder than words. He says one thing, but he's doing another in the moment, when he's not trying to please you, and that's the one I would listen to, even if it's not the answer I wanted. Does this make sense?
I think it depends on what you want from a relationship. If you want companionship, even love, but are content to lead somewhat independent lives then it sounds like this relationship fulfills those needs. If you want to get married and live in the same house as an identifiable family unit it doesn't sound like you are moving the same direction.
I have several older friends and family members who have raised their families, separated from their partners, and found a lot of fulfillment from relationships that included companionship but not necessarily marriage and cohabitation. I don't see anything wrong with that.
Eh, a little ice cream never hurt anyone.
Yes that makes sense, and that is what I had wondered myself.
If I were in your shoes and trying to make sense of all this 7 months in, I'd go ahed and make myself quite a bit more scarce. Not really playing "hard to get," just seeing whether he's, well, into you, after he has a little more space to think about and hopefully understand that you and your son are a package deal.
TBH, a true gentleman would be more sensitive to how his "noises" about being happy to done with kids would make you feel, since you are still pretty far from done yourself.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Ditto PPs, if you want a more long term relationship, it does not look like you are both in the same place. It sounds like you really care for this man, so I know it may not be easy, but I think it is easier to figure out that you both want different things out of life at 7 months in, rather than much later, KWIM?
If he's 41 and just retired from the military, he must have gotten in at 21 years old at the oldest. There are probably many things he didn't get to do and experience (like traveling, focusing on himself, being spontaneous) that most people are able to enjoy during their twenties. There is nothing wrong with him wanting to do these things now, and I doubt it reflects on his feelings towards you, he is simply in a different point in life. Good luck, make sure you take care of yourself and your daughter. I'm sorry for your situation.
I think you are right. The last time I brought it up, he thought I was expressing the need for him not to follow his dreams, he didn't seem to comprehend that his dreams didnt include me, so of course I was concerned.
I am talking to him tonight, and I have a cold. I would wait til I am better, but I am not one to lead someone on.
riisky
I agree, I think he is completely entitled to being selfish and spending some time on him. But getting into a relationship with someone, probably wasn't the best plan. What is that saying "The best plans of mice and men..."
I think it helps that I have been here long enough in my other form, to know you all are just telling me what you see, and that is exactly what I needed and wanted. And I am thankful for the unbiased opinions.
I think you're expecting way too much of someone after only dating for 7 months. If I had plans that I had been looking forward to after 20 years, I wouldn't really want to make plans around the schedule of someone I'd only been with for a few months. And yeah, after 7 months, I'm not sure I'd be so invested that "love" would take precedence.
If you want to be with him, I'd take a step back and just go with the flow. Let him travel, let him do his thing and date. But with dating comes individual lives and plans. But it doesn't sound like you want that. It sounds like you want a commitment and you want it soon. And if that's what you want, this guy is not the guy for you.