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When a wedding is a "family reunion" ...I need some tips, FM!
Backstory: DH stopped speaking to SIL several years ago. She stopped speaking to DH, but not before she was hurtful to him (via email) and also insulted me (same email). There was further drama when we went to family gatherings so eventually we stopped going. We extended an olive branch to SIL several times, but she would not reply (since she was "not speaking to us,").
DH was never been anything but good to SIL, her H and her kids until that point (me, too, but I had not known them for long at the time). SIL felt she could get money out of her mom (dh's stepmom) if she cut off the rest of her siblings (who she was also rude / hateful to).
So.....DH and I (and kids) are all invited to a family wedding (DH's cousin). SIL is also going to be there (with her H and kids). Chances are high that we will even be seated at the same table.
I have not seen SIL in over 8 years. DH has seen her twice (both times at family funerals). His policy is that he wants to not have any drama so he speaks with her, he greeted her kids, but is keeping his distance and mingles with others. She has his work email, and has written him a few times to lament how it's "so sad we are not close," and acts like they are friends (giving updates of her life, her kids). He will sometimes write back with one sentence answers ("congratulations").
I'm really not sure how to act. I have NO problem being cordial / polite to at the wedding and in general trying my best to avoid her, but I'm pretty sure she is going to push the envelope, either by saying we should all get together, or trying to push her kids to hanging with mine (her children are not the issue, and as long as SIL is not part of the kids package, but I'm afraid she's going to invite DD to come over and play, etc.), trying to get a "family" photo...etc. I have zero intention of getting together with her outside of family functions. Also, I would prefer if she didn't take photos of my children. I wouldn't doubt she would post them on FB so that everyone can see how normal she is hanging with her brother and his kids.
Any tips? DD is old enough to see/learn from how I behave, so I want to do the right thing. I am not afraid to be a b*tch, but obviously want to avoid drama and avoid hurting people (niece/nephew) who don't deserve it so I don't think that is the right solution. I just want to have boundries along with a drama-free evening. I have no problem with being non-committal about "us all getting together," (and then never seeing her) but I am not sure about pretending that I am ok with her or having a relationship with her. It is like the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
DH doesn't want a relationship outside of family events either, but he will avoid drama at his cousins wedding. Also, DH doesn't want to hurt his niece and nephew (by rejecting a chance to get together with them in front of them), who are old enough to realize how people act and treat their mom.
This kind of situation is completely new to me - - all of my family pretty much get along and like each other.
Thanks for any advice you can give. I will probably DD at some point in the next few days.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
Re: When a wedding is a "family reunion" ...I need some tips, FM!
90% of your concerns can easily be dealt w/ by simply being cordial and polite. The invitations to get together - you even said it, it can be met with "Oh, sounds great" and just never follow up.
The only thing that is an issue are the pictures - and I hear you on that. My brother (who I'm not close to and rarely see, but we 'get along') wanted a picture of DS to post on FB. Ummmm.... no. He has over 700 "friends" who I have no clue who they are, and.... yeah, I don't want DS's picture up there. especially, as with you, it would be partially in a "oh- look at my cool nephew who I'm so close to" kind of thing.
Again, no thanks.
However, you can't entirely keep her from taking pictures. But my advice is to just try and "stay busy" at the wedding. Other than the times you have to be seated at the table, be up and mingling and taking your kids around to see other relatives you don't see much. If she tries to wrangle you all for a picture, blow it off w/ a gentle "Oh- in a few minutes", etc.
And also, if she does get some pics and if she does post them, you all can say to her "Please don't post any pics of our kids on your FB.". But depending on how far you want to push the issue - I also wouldn't out and otu stress about the image she's trying to project. In the end, you all know the truth and even if she wants to pretend you're all one big happy family - does it really matter what people (most of who you don't know) think?
TRUST ME - I get where you're coming from, and again, I would do as much as I can to avoid it. But I also (if she did put pics up) dont' know if I'd make it a hill to die on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you are worried, call the bride, commiserate about wedding stress and ask if there is actually going to be assigned seating. If the bride can't bear the thought of arranging a seating chart, you are golden.
If she is assigning you to the same table as SIL, DO NOT complain about it, tell her how lovely you think her wedding is going to be and practice your best smile.
I agree with PP. Just be polite and be cordial. What you gotta remember is the wedding is not about you; rather, it is about the bride and groom and you want to do everything you can to make their day perfect. If SIL acts all crazy and blows up, then she looks stupid, not you and H.
One of the good things about facebook is you can remove the pictures or report them if you do not want them there.
Good luck with everything, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what you are going to do.
You don't want her to invite you to get-together? Isn't that a little unrealistic? I mean, you can't prevent her from extending a fake invite and lamenting in a fake-sweet way that you guys aren't close. I get that you want to shut her down and tell her to stop being so stupid because she caused some really big hurt feelings - but that's exactly the drama you don't want to cause at a cousin's wedding.
I think the behavior you want to model for your child is that you act politely and kindly in public and have personal confrontations in private. If the woman calls after the weding for a play date, or GTG by all means share you didn't want to cause hurt feelings at a family wedding, but would prefer not to make plans. Say that family GTG's are just the right balance considering everyone's history.
After 8 years of not seeing this woman, a wedding is hardly the right place to get "honest". If her comments or behavior really bother you, take-it up privately another time. Or just realize she's like this and ignore it. You won't change her and being bothered by her is giving her an awful lot of power over you. Let her be a lot less important to you.
I'm in the "just be cordial and polite" camp.
You can't control your SIL, you can only control yourself. It seems as if she has already approached your H with suggestions that you gtg and he has more or less blown them off. So she is eventually going to realize that a family gtg is not going to happen. If she tries to pin you down for something, then just tell her your schedule / life is really busy right now. She might "get the hint" that you aren't interested, but if you just keep saying you will be busy in the next couple of weeks, she can't blow up at you and cause a scene.
Do you think she is going to try to work on you, if her brother will not arrange a meeting, maybe his wife (you) will?
ECB had a great idea about keeping busy and mingling. That's the best thing you can do to keep her from your kids. Hopefully it is a big wedding, and that there are other kids there. Really, you are only sitting down for a short time. Get the kids on the dance floor, have them move around to other tables, take them to the bathroom.
I also think there's not much you can do about photos. It is so easy to snap a picture and almost everyone has a camera on their phone. And if you don't have a problem with the niece and nephew, what harm will it be if there is a photo of them together? If you find out she has posted on FB, your H can ask her to take the picture down, especially if your own settings don't allow strangers to see your pics. That's a totally reasonable request!
I'm not understanding the original riff that brought on the ugly e-mail. Nor do I have a clear understanding with how long ago it was exchanged. I don't completely get how she thought cutting her brother off was going to profit her financially in the end, if that is just what you suspect or if it is factual. It seems odd that that was her end-game but then sends friendly updates to the family and lamenting how they aren't closer. It seems to me as if this might not be a sane estrangement to necessarily keep. Instead of cold, one word answers, why not encourage your husband to work with his sister on mending fences? Then bigger family reunion issues won't be such a big deal?
If that's too much.....On whether or not the kids (niece/nephew) will be hurt...I think being non-committal but sounding positive in front of them is going to be more hurtful than a straight forward no. In fact, I know that that has been done to my older kids with my brother and my in-laws (who are all flakes in that area, not estrangement issues) and it sucks. Better to just be honest, which isn't the same as being a jerk about it.