Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
No sex at all
My husband and I have been married for five years now. When it started, sex was great. Now, we never have any sex. I mean, it has been more than three months and I have already told him there must be someone else, but I don't know how he has time. He is always with me but he claims to be tired; even when I try to be intimate, he won't even look at me. He said that he does not know what is wrong but he still does nothing. HELP!
Re: No sex at all
Hi BeFaye62. Sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. Just so I better understand, when did the sex stop completely? Three months ago? Did something happen or change that you can think of? Was it just a cold stop or a slow stop?
Honestly, his line that "he doesn't know what is wrong" isn't true. He most likely does, or have some clue.
I think that its a lousy excuse also. But what can I do? He acts like he's mad with me and I have not done anything wrong. But you're right, there is something wrong, any clues?
Is he masturbating? Is he having any sort of sexual release?
If he doesn't have any sexual desire, then you force him to go to a doctor. If he won't go, you have to leave. Are you willing to live sexless forever?
My XH did this to me... Turns out he was cheating on me with my best friend. I hope that's not the case and you get to the bottom of it but something is up and you need it really look into it.
Agree with everyone. It is a fact that in [most] cases, men are constantly producing sperm and about every 3 days they will need a release. Men are visual and can be in the mood just by seeing a provocative image. With that being said, it's not quite normal that you haven't had sex in 3 months. The only thing is that there is something wrong with his sex drive if he is not seeing someone else. I would get him to go to the doctor.
Hoping it's not the latter.
Keep us posted.
My usual advice stands in a situation like this one:
Communication.
You need to sit him down and have a long and frank talk with him. Your needs are not being met; this is part of his role as an H. He's not being a team with you.
Is there any affection at all? No sex is one thing but wow, no affection is quite another. The rancor and nastiness toward you needs to stop.
What he needs to do:
Work on this problem with you. It's a given, no questions asked.
As I always say he owes it to you to make sure you are satisfied and happy.
If he won't ante up or all you get is lip service and nothing, either settle for what's happening or make up your mind to move on. You did not get married to have a roommate or a celebate partner.
He is either cheating, simply decided the bedroom department is closed or he might even be gay or bi. You have a right to get down to the bottom of this problem and make sure that there is a solution that is satisfactory to you. GL.
I'm in the same boat.... but we've been together for 10 years and we've never had sex. Nah, we have it but it's like... never? I want it all the time (well, maybe I want to be wanted all the time) but he is happy having it every six months if I let him... makes me so sad and lonely. I used to try ALL the time but after years of getting shut down have given up, sometimes he will initiate but it's very rare.
ETA: We've went to counseling and "talked" til I'm sick of talking about it, I just truly believe he is not sexual by nature. I know this isn't your situation but I was sadly happy to see someone not having sex besides me. SOrry...
Yours is another problem altogether.
The horse is out fo the barn here -- if you believe he has never been a sexual kind of guy, why didn't you move on when you found out he wasn't into sex as much as you were?
You and he were never sexually compatible. I can't figure out why you kept dating him, let alone marry the guy. This is like a guy who isn't on the same page as you with any other thing; if there is a big chasm of disparity with you and him regarding the issue, time to move on.
So if sex isn't everythng, why are you complaining about your sex life, then?
So what's the bargain here for you? You've talked until you're blue in the face and you're not making any headway. Has he even bothered to attempt to meet you even halfway on this? He should. Even once a week would be great.
Don't let random people on the internet convince you your husband is cheating or gay. There could be a lot of underlying reasons.
Yes, something is definitely wrong. Communication is the key here. Have a long talk with him and get everything out in the open. See a doctor or possibly a counselor if you need to. Try not to get angry or accuse. If it is the case of a medical reason, accusing him of cheating is just going to make him withdraw from you more and not feel like he can come to you with issues.
Good luck.
I'm on the other end of a similar situation. If you see my recent post you will understand.
In my experience, it's probably that your husband has less passion, less lust for you because things are routine. I wish my wife would jump my bones now and then, show me that she wants me and wants me bad. I don't think she really desires me and in turn, it makes me not want to have sex very much, and when we do, it feels like its obligatory. It's not fun anymore.
That right there could be your problem. You need to separate from each other, as in, you both need to do something as individuals, not as a couple. Pursue something you have always wanted to do, and encourage him to do the same. Take a weekend away from one another - plan a trip with some GFs or something that is all about you. Becoming one in a marriage does not mean you stop being who you are.
I speak from experience. MY exH and I were ALWAYS together - we even ran a business together for years that required us to be on the road alot. The only time I was away from him was when I went grocery shopping, to the post office or in the bathroom - literally. It drove me freakin' crazy, and I withdrew from him in every way, including sexually. I was losing myself by being with him.
I think she's already convinced there is someone else and she came up with that all on her own.
Don't let random people on the internet tell you that everyone else is wrong for confirming what you already suspect may be a possibility. That being said, as myself and many others, even "Krisnizzle" have suggested, talk to him about it.
You have done the right choice, right?
There could be things going on under the surface that he finds hard to talk about, there are a few possible reasons for his low sex drive, I think this article will help you:
http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/sexless-marriage/
Sorry I'm not helpful. I don't know you or your H so I don't want to assume he's cheating. My first thought was being bored - he's just not into it because it has been the same for 5 years. Have you considered changing things up?
Best of luck, OP and keep us updated! (Well, only if you want...)