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Question about relationships & labels... (TIP of a friend)
I have a friend of mine who is dating a man casually. He assures her that he is not seeing anyone else, but has yet to answer any of her questions regarding calling her his girlfriend. She is playing it by ear, but would really like the label. When she asks him about it he gets evasive and says that his feelings are profound. He also says "he is an enigma" or something weird like that.
She wants the label and all the perks that go with it.
She has met his family and had Thanksgiving with them.
There is no sex. He has yet to even kiss her because he told her he is afraid that it will "ruin things". I was going to vote gay but I don't know. Its just all so bizarre.
So when do you insist on being called someone's girlfriend or boyfriend? If he was into her in a big way he would at least attempt to get to first base right? She asked me for advice and I am really at a loss of what to say. If it were me I would wonder what is going on and if he was really that into me if he wouldn't kiss me or even officially call me his GF.
What does TIP say? I told her to play it by ear & re-evaluate at the six month mark. They've been seeing each other on the regular for four months now. Its just so weird!
Re: Question about relationships & labels... (TIP of a friend)
Whytheeverlovingfvnk does your friend want so desperately to be the girlfriend of someone who won't even kiss her. Forget the 6 month mark. Cut bait. Gay, hiding something (a vag maybe? where is imoan with her story?), IDK, but I wouldn't be sticking around to find out.
Does she usually make such poor decisions?
Yes! I keep telling her that he might not be that into her if he isn't even going to kiss her for FFS. She deserves to find someone she feels is attracted to her and makes her feel sexy. She's old-school in that she doesn't want to make the first move. I tell her that if she wants to kiss the man then she should do it. Same with sex-- she is rarin' to go but he won't even make innuendo. Its just all jacked.
I think she should cut bait too. I wonder if he is gay and is using her as his beard. The met on FetLife (the fetish/alternative social network) so I don't know if she is too vanilla for him & he just won't man up to say something.
I don't know but she is getting really invested (I don't know why) and I fear is actually falling for the guy. She just got out of a really long relationship (6 years) and left the dude when he wouldn't propose. He was a man-child (her ex) and she got tired of him behaving like a kid. So here she is now with this dude and I think she should keep looking.
She was fantasizing about marriage with him the other day and I was about ready to have my head pop off like a champagne cork. She is just now getting to really enjoy life and has been working on herself for the past two years. I just hate it that it might be a long wait for a train that ain't gonna come.
I SO HOPE SHE POSTS IT NOW.
I'd bet he's gay and doesn't want his family to know, so he needs a woman to take home for the holidays.
She is so desperate for the label because she does not have the real thing.
He won't KISS her. Or call himself her boyfriend. He's gay; or transgendered; or really likes screwing with people a lot. But he is not relationship material, and your friend is not in a relationship.
No kissing? He's just not that into her.
Unless- he is a submissive?? That's all I can think of that even has a remote chance of giving this story a semi-happy ending. Although, from what you said about her, it doesn't seem like she'd be so up for that.
I can't say anything more than what's already been said. something is REALLY off w/ this guy, and yeah... I'm voting that she's his beard right now.
Past that... what exactly are the "perks" to the label of girlfriend? That's what I'm wondering
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
A world of this. Your friend needs to move on!!
lol, and true.
I wouldn't insist on the label "girlfriend" at all, ever. If we got to the point where I was clearly a girlfriend, but the guy was reluctant to call me that, then something is amiss enough to move on.
I had a relationship like this once. I was 15.
If your friend is consistently attracted to manchildren, then she needs to see a counselor. I'm guessing she's emotionally stunted in her own way.
LOL- what a douche! I don't know how she can possibly continue trying to force a relationship with this guy- I would be too busy laughing at him.
I immediately thought of this guy.
Updated September 2012.
I don't think he's gay at all. I think he's just an a$$hole who's using her for entertainment or because he's bored/doesnt want to be alone so he's just "settling" for her right now til someone better comes along.
Your friend needs to cut and run like, yesterday.
I agree with this. Regardless of whether is gay or not into her this isn't going anywhere and she needs to cut bait.
Why would you expect the GF label from someone you haven't kissed? It sounds like they are pretty good friends at this point and nothing more, I'd bet he's keeping her in the wings until something better comes along.
Coffee is everywhere! LOL!
Yeah, that is what I thought ladies (about him just not being that into her).
She absolutely needs therapy. She won't go. I keep giving her resource material for the free clinics and services in her area, but she is always making excuses as to why she "can't go". So I just put the materials in her reach and hope she will do it on her own soon.
Boo. I feel bad for her, but I would have bailed on that messed up situation.
Questions to answer:
1.) Perks? She feels like her relationship would be more secure if she had a label. That is one of the perks. He flipped when he overheard her calling him "her sweetie" or something like that. He got all weirded out. I told her that that is all she should need to hear that he is not interested in making this a lasting commitment.
2.) Fetish? He is supposed to be a Dom or at least that is how he presented himself to her. I don't really see it and from all the things she has described I think there is something amiss for sure, but can't put my finger on what.LOL at celibacy being a fetish-- though I'm sure it could be for someone somewhere.
3.) Yes, she has a constant attraction to the gay models (omg they are so cute, but they are TOO cute, KWIM?) and man-children. More than once we've had a man-friend that was gay have to spell it out for her and let her down gently. The ones she dates are usually insufferable man-children. Definitely needs therapy. She's been working on being ok being alone before she dates, and I think that is all gone out the window with this guy. She was alone for 2 years before she got on FetLife and he came into the picture.
She wants to be a submissive and is even willing to go through with a collaring ceremony with him if he would get it together. I just think she should bail and look elsewhere, but I don't want to seem like I am downing her relationship. Especially since she is all happy about it right now ("He might kiss me, you never know!" ) . I've already said it sounds like he's not that into her, and she wants to "wait and see".
Why she wants to wait around for him is beyond me, but that is her MO. She waited in vain forever for her previous boyfriend with the hopes that he would propose. It never happened. So I am hoping she sees the light before too long on this one.
I laughed when you mentioned imoan's story, because it's the first thing I thought of when I read this!
Who knows what's up with the guy, but he is definitely messing with her. Time for your friend to move on.
Ooookay this was all I needed to read to get the whole picture. From someone who has spent years "in the scene" and seen/met/befriended tons of other submissive girls, this shiit she's dealing with is status quo between hetero "Dom" males and sub girls.
If I could, I would personally sit this girl down, look her straight in the eye and tell her she is no special snowflake, he is not showing how "domly" he is in doing this shiit, he is being just another cookie cutter wannabe LORDSIRDOMLYDOM FetLife loser and all he is doing is biding time having her hang around him until the next more exciting flavor of the month comes along.
And even if he DID end up allowing some kind of label and relationship status to happen (good fuucking luck), I bet you motherfuucking dimes to donuts he would be forcing her into some kind of Poly triad relationship with some other poor idiot sub girl so he could get his harem jollies and she gets to cry herself to sleep at night. Believe me, I've BEEN there. She needs an assload of therapy and to GTFO FetLife until she gets her damn head straight.
Thank you. I will talk to to her. I really want to see if I can get her to go to a therapist that has offered to work with her in her area. He is willing to waive some fees in order to help (she has money issues).
This is kind of what I thought (re: the harem jollies fuckwittery) was going on, but I've just been too scared to seem like I'm shytting on her parade when she SEEMS like she is happy (I don't buy it). Thank you so much SCC.
I really hope you're able to talk some sense into her... but to be completely honest I doubt anything you say will make a difference. Having been in a similar situation and knowing others in similar situations, I can honestly say that she will need to come to the realization herself that she's not happy and it won't work... or she'll just be unhappy forever.