Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Looking back - Reading old journal entries!
I write a lot. As a result, I have journal entries from throughout DH and I's relationship. I thought I would read them for some perspective and to help with the process of understanding what went wrong. I wanted to remember things as they actually were - the good, bad and the ugly - versus how I want to remember them.
Below are two entries that offer such contrasting pictures. I thought it was interesting to see. I miss who I was in that first entry (content, optimistic, loving, happy, committed) so incredibly much. I have definitely become a more negative, pessimistic person who is just so lost and confused now. I just don't know how to get that person back. I am starting to realize though that this whole divorce thing is so much more about me than anyone else. I have spent so much time thinking about the ideal guy I would want to be with and the guy I am actually with and who he was and is and can be and yadda yadda. But maybe the only choice I need to make is who do I want to be? What can I do to bring out the best version of me? What choice will accomplish that?
Anyway, here are the entries (ok I admit I can be dramatic so don't tease haha).
2008 (first yr we were married)
"I am so lucky to end each day with so much love, excitement and anticipation. This is the way life was always supposed to be...just a matter of finding each other. I know I have everything I really need, I will never forget that this is my happiness, right now...so I will do whatever it takes to protect it and not get distracted along the way. Everyday I think of how much I love DH, and if I just do that everyday I can't imagine it ever ending. I look forward to every moment I spend with DH. I look forward to continuing to witness tons of new sides to DH he is so much more than who I fell in love with...I appreciate all those things I never saw before because they get to let me know him better, they allow me to love him more and better too."
2010
"I feel like I have lost everything that made me so great because I have just come to fit the role that he has given me. I feel like I do not have anything I can offer that he wants. I have never been rejected so much in my life as I am by my own husband. He doesn?t want my love and he makes that so obvious by keeping me at a distance and making sure to break my heart every so often with lies, secrets, failures, shutting me out, etc. I know he has been trying to spend more time with me. He dedicates an hour here or there before he goes off on his own. I know he is making an effort. I recognize it and applaud it. He tells me how hard it is and I pretend like I am so grateful he is trying and I am?but really it?s kind of insulting when the person who should want to be with you the most has to work at it. It shouldn?t be this hard. The truth of the matter is he has always driven this relationship. He decides everything, when we kiss, when we hang out, when it?s a good day or not, when he wants to be a husband, when he doesn?t. He decides how he wants to spend his time and money. He decides when he wants to just everything up. He decides when he will love me. He decides how close we can get, he decides when we can talk, when we can communicate. He doesn?t realize that even when he doesn?t want me there, I am there, whether I want to be or not."
Anyone else have on record how they felt during their relationships? It's been an eye opener to me.
Below are two entries that offer such contrasting pictures. I thought it was interesting to see. I miss who I was in that first entry (content, optimistic, loving, happy, committed) so incredibly much. I have definitely become a more negative, pessimistic person who is just so lost and confused now. I just don't know how to get that person back. I am starting to realize though that this whole divorce thing is so much more about me than anyone else. I have spent so much time thinking about the ideal guy I would want to be with and the guy I am actually with and who he was and is and can be and yadda yadda. But maybe the only choice I need to make is who do I want to be? What can I do to bring out the best version of me? What choice will accomplish that?
Anyway, here are the entries (ok I admit I can be dramatic so don't tease haha).
2008 (first yr we were married)
"I am so lucky to end each day with so much love, excitement and anticipation. This is the way life was always supposed to be...just a matter of finding each other. I know I have everything I really need, I will never forget that this is my happiness, right now...so I will do whatever it takes to protect it and not get distracted along the way. Everyday I think of how much I love DH, and if I just do that everyday I can't imagine it ever ending. I look forward to every moment I spend with DH. I look forward to continuing to witness tons of new sides to DH he is so much more than who I fell in love with...I appreciate all those things I never saw before because they get to let me know him better, they allow me to love him more and better too."
2010
"I feel like I have lost everything that made me so great because I have just come to fit the role that he has given me. I feel like I do not have anything I can offer that he wants. I have never been rejected so much in my life as I am by my own husband. He doesn?t want my love and he makes that so obvious by keeping me at a distance and making sure to break my heart every so often with lies, secrets, failures, shutting me out, etc. I know he has been trying to spend more time with me. He dedicates an hour here or there before he goes off on his own. I know he is making an effort. I recognize it and applaud it. He tells me how hard it is and I pretend like I am so grateful he is trying and I am?but really it?s kind of insulting when the person who should want to be with you the most has to work at it. It shouldn?t be this hard. The truth of the matter is he has always driven this relationship. He decides everything, when we kiss, when we hang out, when it?s a good day or not, when he wants to be a husband, when he doesn?t. He decides how he wants to spend his time and money. He decides when he wants to just everything up. He decides when he will love me. He decides how close we can get, he decides when we can talk, when we can communicate. He doesn?t realize that even when he doesn?t want me there, I am there, whether I want to be or not."
Anyone else have on record how they felt during their relationships? It's been an eye opener to me.
Re: Looking back - Reading old journal entries!
The contrast between those two entries is very powerful. It is truly amazing how we can turn into empty shells of the person we once were.
The good news is, although it takes time, we are able to recover and find that original person again. Only this time, she's smarter, stronger, and more empowered than she ever was before.
Thanks for sharing!
Yes, and I'm so glad I do. Although - it's interesting. I wrote all through middle school, high school, college, and after. Then when things got serious with XH, I stopped writing. Mostly because we moved in together and I couldn't find private time/space to write as easily.
But I do have one entry that I wrote the month before we got married that outlines essentially every reason I eventually gave for wanting to end the marriage. It depresses me to know that I could have avoided the whole thing if I had only listened to my gut.
I didn't write at all during my marriage until the month I started counseling. That's when I put on my big-girls pants and finally told my XH I wanted a divorce.
I have since decided that it's a detriment to my health and happiness not to write. I let things slide. I don't take the time to examine my real feelings. I counter every questionable thought with "oh it'll be okay."
I don't make good decisions when I'm not writing. I'll never stop again.
I have a couple old entries when I first met XH and on the third month I was talking about how excited I was to find someone that I felt comfortable with and that I actually loved and I was talking about how excited I was to eventually get married.
My entries fell off for awhile after we got married so there isn't much to document that. Then I started writing again when things were bad.
Then this was after my divorce was finalized:
We had the divorce hearing on Thursday so I am now officially divorced. I felt sad and drained all day. I kept going through periods of fighting back tears. It is crazy how four years of my life is just over like that. The thought of getting married again just makes me sick.. I thought at the time I was so sure about XH and I was wrong.. so how do I prevent that from happening again? I refuse to get divorced again. The shame that I feel from my marriage falling apart is too unbearable to do again.