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crazy MIL! (kind of long but REALLY need help)
Ok, so my MIL is only 49 yrs old but she is disabled and basically acts like an 90 yr old. She probably shouldn't even be living on her own. She has heart probs so Dr told her she is not to drive, and she is on so many pain meds for her back that she is basically a zombie all the time. My Hubby and I both are very annoyed when we have to talk to her b/c she is so slow and will stop in the middle of a sentence and stare for about 2 mins then not even finish her sentence and go on to something else. She lives by herself about 15 mins from us and basically sits and smokes and watches TV all day long.
So long story short: she is always calling us to take her places (grocery store, dr, etc) but she will call like the night before she needs us and then when we take her anywhere she never knows what she needs and always has to go to like 5 places and it ends up being a whole day event. We obviously are very annoyed at this. I have done everything I can: I arranged for nursing to come over 1X weekly to help her, I arranged for a transportation company to take her places, and I have taken much work off for helping her (which I do not get PTO for) She is very manipulative and plays the "poor me" game with me but acts differently with him
I am working full time plus going to school for my master's and my husband basically works part time hours so I am obviously more busy then he is. But every time she calls he gets pissed and tries to make me do everything! We end up fighting b/c I feel like this should be all of his responsibility since its HIS MOM! Plus, I know he would do nothing for my mom if it was the other way around. So how can I handle this without fighting with him every time about it? Because Ive been running myself ragged trying to do everything.
Re: crazy MIL! (kind of long but REALLY need help)
It sounds like you want to be there for her so take a good look at your schedule and figure out how much time you can realistically spend with her. Let her know when that time is and enforce that you're only available during that time.
If I'm reading this wrong and you don't want to make time for her, then ditto DaringMiss. Keep saying no and stick to it.
I agree! Can your husband talk to her Dr regarding levels of medications?
I also agree he should be doing more. It's his mother and like it or not, sometimes people have to take care of their parents long before they think they should have to. Is he avoiding it because he's uncomfortable with her being sick or something like that? Regardless, he should be stepping up and not having you do his job. I think this is where you put your foot down and tell him that this is his responsibility, not yours, especially since he's not as busy as you.
Medication -- and multiple meds -- should NOT interfere with the quality of everyday life.
What is troublesome is what you have described. Something's funky --- either there's a drug interaction, she's taking the wrong dosage of meds (you'd be surprised how some patients take it upon themselves to self medicate --- one pill works... but two at the same time would work better) or the prescibed dosages are too much for her.
SOmebody needs to talk to her doc or doctors about this.
The manipulation is another thing altogether. You need not be at her beck and call. Too bad she can't get a companion (who drives) to stay with her during the day.
You need to start sticking up for your rights and make sure your H doesn't take advantage of you.
but she is disabled...she probably does need some help. It's tough to be so young and be a caretaker for a parent so I understand the vent...my mom is 56 and takes care of her mom and feels very much the way you mentioned (manipulated, simple things she should take care of herself she doesn't).
You need find a way to empower her to do the things she can so she can maintain an independent life as long as possible...talk to her about if this is important to her. Learn to say no to the things she should be able to do herself. Let her know that your time is limited, so she'll need to pick and choose what she asks you to help her with.
Perhaps your husband should have a standard weekly errand day with her. She can schedule appointments, work out grocery shopping and etc for this day. It's a good boundary to set (Mom, that will have to wait for our day out on Wednesday). With a PT schedule this should be pretty easy to figure out.
Seek out resources on being a caregiver...hopefully one that focuses on the child/parent relationship vs. spouse and maybe one that focuses on what stage of life you are in too. Books, maybe even support groups can be very helpful.
Point out to your husband that you are here to support him supporting his mom...but he can't exit out of the equation.
Stop running yourself ragged and tell your tool of a husband to stop getting pissy. He cannot make you do anything let along everything. You're letting both of you manipulate you and seem to think you are wrong to say no. I don't think he is as annoyed since he passes her off to you. If you still want to help her then make it under your conditions. One day a week you make yourself available, and she writes down where she wants to go and what she needs.
Something is definitely wrong with her meds.
Yes, there are better ways to manage his mom, and some people have given you ideas. My aunt is a lot like this w/ my step mother and running errands. SO, I do get it.
But your DH's attitude and you knowing he wouldn't help your family is really quite telling.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I know how difficult this is, as my mother is disabled as well. She is only 72 but in a wheelchair and not able to drive. We had to get drastic and move her into a assisted living facility. Okay, she's not very happy there but it was a necessity. They shower her and provide all meals for her. We hired someone to come once per week to take her out to do any errands she needs. My brother visits/takes her out at least once during the week, as do I (I also work full time+, so I know how hard this is).
The bottom line is you just have to get tough with her, get outside help (even if she is not keen on it), but still pitch in as well.
HTH, good luck.
"Perhaps your husband should have a standard weekly errand day with her. She can schedule appointments, work out grocery shopping and etc for this day. It's a good boundary to set (Mom, that will have to wait for our day out on Wednesday)"
The above is exactly what I was thinking!!
Up until your last paragraph, my response was going to be to set a firm schedule and boundaries with MIL. Tell her that you need at least 24 hours' notice to take her on an errand, or you'll do the grocery shopping every Wednesday or something like that. When you pick her up for an errand, tell her that you need to drop her back off at home within two hours, and stick by that rule even if she says that she needs to go somewhere else. And I was also going to say that your husband should be dealing with all of this since it's his mother, but you could certainly help out a bit if you wished. If MIL complains or is uncooperative, you tell her, "Sorry, but this is when we're available to help you out. If you don't want to abide by those times then that's fine, but you will need to figure out something else in that case." End of story. If she's well enough to deal with it then she can just deal with the consequences of her stubbornness, and if she's not well enough to endure all that then it's probably time to get her into an assisted living facility or hire a full-time caretaker.
But after reading your last paragraph - there is NO reason why he should be piling this burden on YOUR shoulders. I was going to say that maybe the stress is getting to him and his way of dealing with it is just throwing up his hands, saying "I don't know" and then leaving you holding the bag. And you would need to work on that with him. Namely by just saying NO.
But when you said that he wouldn't help out YOUR mother in a similar situation ... he just sounds like a complete jerkoff and I'm wondering why you're putting up with his bullshiit. It could be understandable if he was overwhelmed by this situation and you could work it out, but him not being willing to help out at all just means that he's selfish and lazy. I would really take some time to consider if you want to be in a relationship like this.
Heaven forbid that YOU need to be taken care of like this someday ... sounds like he wouldn't be willing to do it. If you had kids he'd probably pawn you off on them and not help at all and they'd be saddled with guilt and responsibility, and if you didn't have kids then who knows who'd wind up helping you.
I'm in the camp of your H can set up a weekly errand day to have a set time to help his mom especially since he works part time.
He sounds like a jerk though and pretty selfish and lazy. He wouldn't help your mom if the situation was reversed? Seriously? That makes me wonder if he'd help you if you had a serious health issue. Or if you have/are going to have kids; will you have 100% of the task of raising them?
I'd like to know ... how does your husband try to "make" you take care of his mother instead of him doing it?
Does he just not want to help her for whatever reason (maybe they don't get along, or he's tired of her not helping herself, or he feels like he's enabling her if he helps), and then you say that someone needs to help her and he replies that you should just do it if you feel that strongly about it?
Or does he tell you, "My mother needs to be taken care of and you need to do it"? What is his excuse for not doing it himself? Why do you have to be the one to do it?
You said you work full-time and go to school, and he only works part-time. What does he do when he's not working? Who takes care of the cooking, cleaning, laundry? Who is the primary breadwinner?
It sounds like he just dumps all the responsibility on you because he knows you'll cave in and take care of it.
i see a few issues here. first -your dh "making" you do everything is bullsh!t. learn the word 'no' and use it. His mom, his job too. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever do anything for her but he cant be doing the push the work on you bit.
second-you're letting her dictate when you do things for her. no. give her 2 days a week where you can go grocery shopping etc.. if you get there and she doesn't know what she needs etc... then tell her to get her list together and you'l be back the next day. and give her a limit-we have this much time so where do you need to go and why. you do have the right to make sure that she does things within your timespan. also many grocery stores deliver food. you need to look into that.
I would carve out one weekend afternoon / evening a week to be there for your MIL for 2-3 hours. Yes, it seems like a long time at once, but I am able-bodied and find it hard to run all of my errands in less than 1.5 hours - even if its just a few things!
Aside from your weekly "appointment," your H needs to be responsible, or MIL just doesn't go out. Stop answering her calls and stop seeing her at the drop of a hat, and the calls will reduce / stop. If they don't - - have your H answer the phone and handle her, either by saying "no," or however he wants to handle her. I'm also wondering if your H will not drive her b/c he has his own boundries and dislikes her last-minute calls, not because he assumes you should do these things. It's not his fault you don't know how to say "NO!"
Often senior services provides a transportation service to dr. appointments, the grocery store. You should have her rely on county / senior services for everything that they provide, and you provide the "extras" (hair appointments, shops not on the seniror services route). Stop feeling guilty for not caving into her demands.
Just because your H will not drive her around does NOT mean that YOU should! Some people feel that chores like these are the "woman's" job, but really, that's based on old notions of who works more hours, who is home, etc. Clearly the person in your family who has the time / availability is her son. Heck, I would drive members of dh's family around, because I am home and available, not because that is "the wife's" job.
I don't know what to tell you, because the problem is not the way you're addressing your husband about this, it's that your husband has no respect for you. Aside from the issues with his mother, does he generally pull his weight around the house? Is he doing the majority of the housework, since he's got more time to do it? What exactly does he do all those hours that you're working or at school and he's not?
Sounds like MIL and the H are exactly alike. Just sitting back and expecting someone else to take care of them.
They've found a sucker in you, OP. You can love someone and want to help them out, but there's a BIG difference between helping them and enabling their laziness/selfishness.
I think it is great that you are trying to care for this woman the best that you can. I do not think it is a healthy or kind thing for you to be so annoyed at someone just because they talk slow and have trouble processing what is going on (your description)...that's really ridiculously misplacing your irritation. Neither do I agree that everything should be on his plate because it is his mother. You're married now, and family is family. To accomplish anything, you have to get that mindset under control. If she was allowed to drive and wasn't on medication so heavily that she could think clearly, I could see where she may be using you, but that's not what is happening. It's victim blaming. You don't really describe the difference between these things and what you call playing the poor-me card and how she is different around your DH vs you. It may be real, but with what you've described above it would take some amount of clarity that you aren't affording her to be that crafty. Perhaps she's more guarded around your DH simply because he's not as kind to her as you have shown yourself to be. Maybe she's afraid of him because of the impatience and anger he more freely shows?
Her meds, other treatment and restrictions need to be checked via finding 2nd and 3rd opinions from other doctors. You also should attend (or ask for an intervening appointment) with current physicians to make sure that they are all on the same page with one another and corresponding diagnosis/treatments. They also need to know if she's eating/drinking properly and all need to be reminded of her smoking (honestly, I'd try to get her to quit that as well...you don't need additional medical problems cropping up later because she's addicted now).
For doctor appointments, for the next little while (and any time in the future where you see a change in her) you or your husband need to attend. Other than that, coordinate with the transportation company to ferry her back and forth to her doctor's appointments. You know every time she leaves a doctor appointment that a follow up appointment is likely. Make arrangements with those offices to make confirmation phone calls TO YOU so that you can make those transportation arrangements and then call to remind her.
Whether you or your DH picks up the slack (yes he should be doing his fare share, but she can't be left floundering regardless of who wants to do it) ease up on yourselves by scheduling a weekly errand day with/for her. Every other week make it a visit where you are dropping off things (fresh milk, for example) and the odd week take her out (think of it as "town" day where she can get out of the house to run errands, grocery shop and generally feel like a human being). When she calls in-between, you can ask her what for but unless it is an emergency, tell her that you'll see her on X day as normal and you'll take care of things then.
Either do half days with you and half days with DH or let him take the whole thing on, or you do odd months and he does even months. I get that that's a big sacrifice of time, particularly for two income families...time is scarce and precious. Again, switches in meds until she's not drugged like a zombie will help that...and if she improves enough, you can send for that transportation to take her to things like volunteer positions working at Hospice (my grandmother did this when she was very elderly..just putting together little cards and mailers) and other older citizen social groups...that will keep her loneliness down and free up some of your own time eventually. Don't let those days overlap with the weekly nursing help.
Your husband also needs counseling, IMO. I'm not saying that sarcastically, but seriously. Being so angry and so unwilling to help his mother who obviously needs help and in putting everything on you and being angry at your wanting a help is not normal. Not normal. Neither is saying that his family shouldn't interfere with your own life and that you shouldn't pitch in. ("We end up fighting b/c I feel like this should be all of his responsibility since its HIS MOM! ) Yes, his business hours and the fact that this is his mother should be prompting him to carry more obligation and responsibility, but it doesn't absolve you from doing anything - you're sensitive to the inequality because he's doing nothing...again, I think it is great that you are doing things just not thinking it's great that you're bitter towards her rather than him as a result. Honestly, if something happened to your mother and all other things remaining the same, I would expect him to pick up the lion's share again because his business hours permits it. It would be no more convient for you pursuing your masters and working if this were your mother, is my point.
I feel like the other posters are correct that you need to push back some of this on your husband. But, I think it's crappy to leave her when she doesn't have a list because it seems like it's a prescription issue that is causing her to space out and not think clearly.
When I'm mad at my husbands family I know I play the "he wouldn't do this for my family game" but if it came down to it I know he absolutely would but I never give him the chance to prove it because I'm always there first.
My advice is to talk to her doctor (if you're taking her it shouldn't be hard) and then push back with a scheduled day or two for drs, grocery shopping, etc.
I'm a little disturbed that YH is acting this way, though. It doesn't sound as if he's appreciative.
Thank you for all of your advice, I think I will definitely just go have a talk with her (even though I know she won't remember a single thing I say). Here is a little bit more detail:
MIL gives different stories depending on who she is talking to. I will get one, H will get one, and his G-ma will get a different one. Without going through all the details, we have had many probs in the past where she is having probs but doesn't tell anyone whats going on and not taking care of herself and we get calls from hospital/ER. I have fought with her many times about smoking and she refuses to quit. She refuses to drink anything other than pop (which she has kidney probs because of this) and only eats about once a day (if that). So I have pretty much gotten to the point where I am frustrated because why should I go out of my way to help her if she won't do anything for herself?
We are both just frustrated with the whole situation and are pretty much fed up with it - but she is family so we have to deal with it. We both seriously think that she should not be living alone and probably should be in some sort of assisted living but don't know how to go about that because if you ask her she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. On the other hand, when I had the nurses visiting her (which just ended b/c medicare will only pay for so much of it) she was meeting all of the goals which makes me think that she is totally different when they are there.
And seriously, she will call us to come over and once one of us gets there we pound on the door for 20 mins before she answers then she doesn't know why we are there and acts like she didn't even call. (sorry, just venting a little)
So I am fine with the calling the Dr's and getting stuff like that taken care of, but its the fact that every time she calls he doesn't want to do it because he is frustrated as well. But we had a huge discussion and decided that we could do every-other, except for it doesn't always fit in my schedule so if its "my turn" but I've got 15 other things to do for school (which frankly is more important to me at this point) he gets pissed and we end up fighting about it.
For those of you questioning him otherwise: he does A LOT of stuff around the house and I have been sick (in the hospital) a couple times since we have been together and he was there by my side the whole time. So I don't think its a matter of him being lazy, I think he is just as frustrated as I am about the whole situation. Except for I am more of a care-giver by nature and just can't ignore the situation like he can.
My friend has an elderly mother with health issues and who cannot drive. My friend has an afternoon scheduled with her mother to run her to her appointments and on errands. Then they grab a bite to eat. She always reminds her mother of their time togather so she knows wo have her lists, etc. ready.
Also, my friend engaged her Church's Senior group for additional transportation needs.