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update on my 2012 thread post
As I wrote in the 2012 thread, DH and I are having a difficult period. This isn't the first time these issues have come up though.
He doesn't communicate with me, he never has a conversation with me (dinner is stressful because I'm trying to make conversation and he's ignoring me) or when he does he tells my opinion is wrong. When we're home he's always on his computer/phone or watching tv. It takes multiple times of me asking him to do something before he does it but then he only does a portion of what I've asked. When we're out with friends or family and I say something, he will always tell me I'm wrong and his way/belief is right. He's always putting me down in front of others.
We also have an issue with money, he's the only one working and when I stopped working we had an agreement that he would transfer a certain amount of money into my account monthly. He's done this once. I'm constantly without any money and have to ask for it and I'm given 20chf. We're not strapped for cash, so I don't understand why he is so tight with money. He finally just allowed me to have my own credit card. If I spend 10chf over what he thought I should spend at the grocery store, he flips out even though I've only bought what we discussed. I feel like a child with the way he treats me.
And we also have an issue with sex, he constantly wants it, to the point that he's actually waking me up when I'm asleep in the middle of the night asking for it (this is four or five times a week). I've lost interest in sex because I'm not happy with our relationship and the middle of the night demanding has gotten worse. He's sleeping on the couch now.
I'm really lost at what to do. I'm going back to the US in Jan. for three weeks alone, hopefully I can clear my mind and figure it out then.
Re: update on my 2012 thread post
I think the break will be good for you mentally.
I'm so sorry. That does sound like a horrible situation, especially him putting you down and withholding money from you. I agree with gblake - would he be willing to go to counseling with you? I'm guessing not from how you've described him, but it's always worth a shot and if I were in a similar situation, I think that I would want to know that at least I had tried everything to make things work. But if he's not willing to do his part or see that his behavior needs to change, then there's only so much you can do.
I hope that you have a good support system in the States who you can talk to about the issues you two are having.
ETA: I should clarify - demanding sex in the middle of the night also sounds horrible, but the other behaviors seem like more long-term, hard to fix problems.
Oh hun, I'm so sorry things are bad right now! I agree with others, the putting you down and withholding money are absolutely unacceptable behaviors, and they need to be kaboshed. Counseling, if he's willing, might help some. I think you're right though, on your need to get away for a bit. Hopefully this time at home, alone, will give you the perspective you need to figure things out!
Sending you lots of hugs!!!
*hugs*
H and I are hitting major road blocks too. Not in the same ways you are dealing with but mostly because of issues with me. We are looking into counseling next year and I'm going to go on my own possibly too.
We had problems tonight and it's weighing heavily on me. It's 2:30am and we fought at 11:30 about communication issues. I just don't want to go to bed at all. Worst part is I need to be up at 8am to start another round of college visits which I'll be doing alone again since no one can take off work to support me. I'm contemplating driving up North for the weekend for some relaxation.
2012 Reading Challenge
Now Nesting from Chicago, IL My nail blog:
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. I agree with everyone else that counseling might be a good thing to try.
Could any of the communication problems be a language issue? Just a thought, since I know Swedes are very blunt, and occasionally DH says something and I'm like um, that was rude, but then he explains a little more, and it turns out it's just a language/cultural barrier problem.
About the money - I'm in school full-time and earning very little money. DH and I have come up with a good system that sounds a lot like Publius' system. We have joint accounts for rent, food, bills, travel, anything we do together, and other necessities. On top of that, we have "fun money" accounts (separate accounts). We each get the same amount of money transferred into our accounts each month, and we can do whatever we want with it, no questions asked. We discuss items that come up that are unclear as to whether they're joint or fun money. It works for us, just something to consider.
The sex thing, I have no advice, but that is not ok in my book and would need to be addressed, possibly in counseling.
I hope you get some clarity. ((hugs))
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Has your DH always been like this? Is he willing to go to therapy? It must be really hard to live like this especially with him not talking to you and putting you down. I agree with the other poster who said that they would go to therapy just so they could say that they tried everything. But I think the situation right now is quite horrible and you deserve so much more.
Have you talked to him about breaking up?
I'm not going to sugarcoat this. This is abusive behavior. Did this just start when you moved to Swtzerland? A pattern of abusive behavior includes isolation from friends and family, breaking you down emotionally and later in public, making you practiclly beg for his attention so that when you get it, he can treat you poorly. Abuse continues with withholding things in a relatonship, including money, or giving you ultimatums to choose between things (if you want that thing that is necessary, then let him do this, or don't do that, etc). To top it off, you're vulnerable because of your ED.
I am only calling what I read, but this isn't normal behavior. Being nervous about money is one thing, what he's doing isn't a budget issue, it's controlling you and your action. If I'm way off base, I'm not trying to upset you, as I said, this is just what it sounds like to me. Im sorry you're dealing with this.
Have you spoken about leaving him? What is his reaction?
I agree with this. I am sorry this is happening, but it does not sound healthy, at all. He doesn't allow you to have money? Or a credit card? He wakes you up and makes you have sex with him? I am glad you are getting away for 3 weeks, you need to get away and really reevaluate everything. I can tell you that, IMO, the money he makes is yours as well. You guys are married.
Totally agree with this. I am glad MCC clarified so many aspects of abusive behaviour so that you can evaluate your situation. You are person who is an equal partner in the relationship, even if you are not working. You do not deserve any of this behaviour that you have shared. If all of this crap is chipping away at your self-worth and making you feel horrible about yourself I really think that is not a good situation to be in.
Putting you down in front of other people is not good. You're actually a step ahead of me in that you realize it's happening. XH would make jokes at my expense, and multiple people have come out and commented on it since we split. I still couldn't give you an example, but I definitely felt the drain on my self-worth.
In the other post I also suggested looking for a counselor. I really do think that even if you don't go, just looking and finding options gives you a direction and a feeling or more control over the situation, because you're actively doing something to fix it. In the end, hopefully your H will agree to go with you, but if he doesn't, there is some benefit to be had from going alone. It's a chance to talk objectively and openly about what's going on, and you may glean a piece of good advice or two. However, if you're uncomfortable around your counselor after a few sessions, find someone else, because you'll have a much harder time opening up to someone you're not comfortable with.
I agree with MCC. A husband absolutely shouldn't be putting you down, especially in public. Is he as controlling in other aspects of your life as he is with your money?
Your 3 weeks in the US will be good for you, clear your head and help you re-evaluate your relationship.
Ditto: have you spoken with him about this?
I'm so sorry. I hope that some time and space will give you time to think objectively and make the right decisions for you!
I know I don't know the full story, but really, the treatment you described is totally unsat. Everyone has stupid moments and does dumb/careless things. But you've described a pattern of sh!te treatment , not an isolated mistake or two. The poor communication and tv-- ok, I can understand. But the "withholding" money, "allowing" you have a credit card, and demanding sex, totally beyond the pale.
I agree with all the pps - you poor thing, what a terrible situation
Would you consider going to see a counsellor on your own while in the states? Might help to discuss all these issue with a neutral party before returning to that situation. GL
I have no useful advice--if I did I'd be giving it to myself too because we are having some similar problems. Frankly though, yours sound worse. I'm sorry.
You don't deserve it (and if you're anything like me you probably spend some time wondering if maybe you do).
Counseling is worth a try, although in my experience it has not helped because DH thinks its a waste of time and won't buy into it and eventually he stopped going.
Which is all just a roundabout way of saying I understand. Hugs. Message me on FB if you want someone to talk to/listen.
*big hugs*