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I don't know what to do (long)
H and I have been married 11 years. We have two children and I am pregnant with my 3rd. This is a very high risk pregnancy. I am currently on bed rest due to going into pre-term labor twice last week. Since I found out I was pregnant, H has been a super d!ck.
I quit having him go to doctor's appt.'s with me because he would just sit and play on his cell phone the entire time. He's told me throughout my pregnancy such wonderful things like " You ruined my whole life." "You're a ***" "Nothing I ever do is good enough for you" etc. It's made this pregnancy miserable.
At L&D last week, he insisted on coming the second time around. ( I went alone the first time much to the shock of all of the staff) All he did was play on his cell phone and then fall asleep while I looked after my youngest DC. Yes, I had to look after my own DC while being hooked up to contraction monitors and getting shots of terbutaline. ( a medication that stops contractions but makes your heart race and your whole body shake. Not fun)
He informed me Sunday that he is planning on going to Chicago next weekend for his friend's birthday. Um, WTF? You're going to fly halfway across the country while I'm on bed rest with two kids so you can go party? I told him he was a selfish bastard who didn't give a damn about my health or that of the baby's.
Last night, the contractions started up again. For two hours, I sat on the loveseat in obvious pain. He sat on the opposite couch and the only thing he said to me was " Contractions again?" He didn't help me when I got up to get glasses of water, nor did he even walk me to the door as I headed to L&D to once again stop my pre-term labor. When I got home, he woke up and turned away from me. He didn't ask if I was ok or more importantly if the baby was ok. This morning before he left for work, he told me to call him if I needed anything. I said no thanks. He then starts berating me about how I love to play the victim and "poor Khloe, no one loves her". I didn't respond. He left.
I am in tears. I want to leave him so bad, but I have nowhere to go. My father is the only person I have and he is many states away and in poor health. I have no friends here (we're Army). I cannot rest because the bastard refuses to do anything around here and I still have my other children to take care of. I just called my OB and told her bed rest was not an option and I needed some other alternative. What in the hell do I do?
Re: I don't know what to do (long)
Things were great before I got pregnant. He's been a good husband, a great dad to our other children, and was wonderful with my other pregnancies. I don't know wtf is wrong with him or who he is anymore.
I really can't say it any better than this. Someone (a social worker maybe) should be able to help you find someone to help with the kids since your asshat husban is unwilling. It is too late for this now but I am so curious as to why another baby was a good idea. I keep forgetting babies fix everything. Best of luck with the pregnancy!
Do you live on a base?
You might want to post this on Military Nesties to see what advice they can offer in this situation.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
eta: I posted for you. Hopefully some people from that board will post here with good advice for you.
Get. OUT.
Call people. The Army is usually really good about taking care of the families of service members. Some sort of family support group has to be on your base, right?
You need to get out of there. As sad as it sounds, this probably isn't the first time they've seen a situation like this. It's all a matter of finding the right group of people. You can do this, for the sake of yourself and your kids.
No, babies don't fix everything. Please read my response above.
Um, your H is totally having an affair and apparently isn't even trying that hard to hide it.
Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
How could things be great before your pregnancy if he's telling you you've "ruined my whole life"? It sounds to me like there have been problems before, and this didn't just happen when you got pregnant.
While I agree that him packing up shop to go to a party across the country is pretty messed up, you could have handled that better.
Did anything significant happen to him right before he started being megadick? Like was he deployed or anything? I find it hard to believe he was a great husband that just turned into an asshat one day for no reason other than you got pregnant again. Did he not want to have another kid?
Like what, beat him about the head and neck area until he sees the error of his ways?
I've also been wondering if he is having an affair. It does make sense. Maybe he was having it before I got pregnant and is now pissed that I am pregnant and feels like he can't get out. Mother f---er.
I don't know where he came up with I ruined his whole life. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to be tied down anymore. At this point, I would love to see him go. I just don't know where that leaves me and the kids.
I hate this type of response. Yeah, OP, hop in your time machine and don't get pregnant.
Some of the other posters have actual good suggestions.
Best of luck.
Wouldn't already having a wife and two kids sort of have him tied down? Not to be crass, but what's one more kid at this point in the relevance of "not being tied down"?
Have you tried sitting down and talking with him about your relationship and his change in behavior/attitude? Is there some sort stress going on at work for him that you're not privy to that's making him act like this? Did he not get a promotion, perhaps? Did he recently lose a friend?
I'm not trying to make excuses for him, please don't take it that way, but my mind isn't jumping to "affair" immediately here. I'd imagine being in the military has a lot more stress involved than your average 9-5 job, KWIM? Taking his anger/frustration out on you isn't cool, either, BTW.
I am on the he is having an affair boat for sure people don't just all of the sudden start acting like a-holes for no reason. Not to mention that if you already have 2 kids and have been married 11 years getting pregnant shouldn't evoke 'you ruined my life' feelings. You need to find someone to help you in this situation first and foremost so you and the baby make it through this pregnancy then you need to highly consider leaving him. I am not going to tell you to divorce him because that is not my place but I will say you don't deserve to be treated this way and you have to decided if you are going to stand up for yourself or allow it to continue.
I know some people aren't close with their in-laws but is there any way your MIL could come help you out with your kids? I only ask because you need help no matter where it comes from like it or not we all have to ask for help sometimes and this is one of those times. Its sounds like you don't have much family that can help so that is why I ask about his parents you HAVE to get help while you are pregnant!
My thoughts exactly.
Somehow, I highly doubt this.
The other posters have given you some good advice. Your husband is an azzhat and a half. I felt a little sick to my stomach when I read,
" He then starts berating me about how I love to play the victim and "poor Khloe, no one loves her".
Taunting your pregnant wife that is on bedrest? That crosses the line from being a jerk to being downright abusive. Use the resources the ladies on MN suggested. You don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone. *hugs*
No, this wasn't a planned pregnancy. I had the Paragard IUD when I got pregnant. I'd had it for 3 years and it was in perfect position when they did the ultrasound. It was removed at 5 weeks pregnant.
I don't believe he wants this baby either. His attitude has shown me that.
I have an appointment this afternoon with ACS. Thank you to everyone for your advice and help.
How far along are you? Maybe he is afraid? Maybe he is still in shock? Maybe he is angry t you for getting pregnant? Maybe some counseling would help? Maybe you should tell him to GTFO and start a new life without him. I definitely think you need more to go on..
Khloe,
I was under the impression from many military people that you can go to your husbands boss (officer), and explain the situation, and they will actually take action. However, I would do this after you have spoken to some local army wives about places to go. With the military there is, I assure you, just do a little research. I hope everything works out for you.
After already having 2 kids he shouldn't be shocked. Also, she didn't just knock herself up....He was involved in this to.
1. Absolutely go to JAG, and before him. The military will provide legal assistance to 1 person in a divorce, and it's first come, first serve. They can let you know exactly how much child support he will owe/whether alimony is owed in your filing state and how to file a separation agreement in the state you're in.
2. Please notify his chain of command if/when he's being an ***, but not until you've moved out--you and I both know that him getting yelled at will only make your life more difficult. And certainly utilize this resource if he does not pay you on time once you're separated.
3. You may have to prove paternity for baby #3 (to continue Tricare for your children), so don't be offended when it happens.