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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FIL is out of control!
He asked what the girls would like for Christmas. I sent him a list of 7-8 things for each girl. A list of ideas. I very specifically said not to buy the whole list, it was just some ideas, but to just pick one or two things and that would be good. And I reiterated that point when I spoke to him on the phone as well. I should have known he didn't get it when he kept saying it wasn't about the money and they could afford to do whatever for the girls. I know that and that's a huge part of the problem. He bought the entire flucking list for each of them, plus extra crap. I'm so not thrilled right now. I don't want them to have this much crap first of all and second of all I specifically and repeatedly told him to not buy them so much stuff because it makes them not appreciate anything in my opinion and it just clutters up my house. To give you an idea he has so far bought Lucy two American girl doll outfits, 2 of the same iXL game (why two I can't figure out since there is no reason at all to have two of the same disk), a butterfly net, a butterfly magnifying glass, and a live butterfly kit (which he already bought two of them for the girls a few months ago), and something else I think. For Lexi he bought a t-ball set, a basketball set, a pack of humidifier tank cleaner filters (can't really figure this one out, a humidifier was on her list, but not one that these filters work with, but I'm assuming that also means he bought her a humidifier), and likely some other stuff. And I get a new e-mail every day with more stuff from him. It's too much stuff. I want them to be appreciative of what they receive, but when the gifts are piled on like this there is no way to appreciate it... This happens every time he asks what they want, I guess I should know better by now, but seriously why is it so hard to buy one thing that they would really like and leave it at that? I don't know how to get through to him and DH has tried too. Guess I'm back to telling him one very specific thing to buy next year, but if it doesn't cost enough in his mind (and most kids toys don't), then we end up with things like the ginormous tent/tunnel thing taking up half my basement because that year the thing I told him to buy wasn't expensive enough so he added on that.
Mama to Lucy (7/06), Lexi (5/09), and Max (11/11)
M/C 12/17/10
Re: FIL is out of control!
I guess I don't really see the harm in grandparents wanting to spoil the grandkids. I get that it is a lot of clutter in your house but I don't think you should ever tell someone how much or how little to buy someone. If it makes them happy to shower the kids I don't think I could say something to them.
I remember you posting about him before with the gifts and thank you cards. Maybe he does things like this because he is far away from the kids, sort of making up for it? It may not be the right way to go about it but I don't think telling him not to buy the kids so much will really help him change his ways.
I feel this from both sides (yours and LBakers) - he's going overboard in the materialism a bit and not listening to you, but he is far away and this is one outlet he can show the girls he is thinking about them.
It comes down to your parenting, I think - reminding them how lucky they are to have these things when not all kids can, encouraging them to make good use of them and to value them, etc. Also, if it turns out any of them are going to waste or not being used because it really was too much for them to focus on, share that with FIL (tactfully, KWIM?).
And, of course, going forward maybe just send him one or two items for his list.
My mom is like your FIL - she only sees the kids a few times per year max, so she does tend to lavish stuff on them. In our case I'm fine with it - we're very tightly budgeted and can't often get the kids everything they'd like, focusing more on what they need, so I'm often thankful they get some of that indulgence from their Gigi (or any other family members). In turn, I shoot video of them opening and enjoying those gifts and send it to her so she can feel close to it all, which she has voiced she very much appreciates. (Just to put some added perspective out there.)
Ponder-ing whether or not to become a Viking's fan
I'm sorry. I feel like my DH always does this with our nieces, because he is very generous and loves to give them things. I really don't want them to become materialistic, and I don't want us to be giving them fancier gifts than their parents/Santa.
This year DH got our nieces American Girl dolls before talking to their parents, only to learn that two (of three) of the girls ONLY asked Santa for one thing- American Girl dolls. So, then we had to let Santa give that gift and figure out something else.
I agree with others- maybe just give him one or two ideas. Do you have a college fund for each of the kids? I'd suggest giving him a couple of ideas, and tell him that the most important thing he could do for the kids is to contribute to their college fund. That way he could spend "enough" and still do something much more important for them than going crazy-overboard with the gifts.
Oh don't even get me started on AG dolls. DH's aunt (FIL's sister) buys them AG dolls every year so they already have several and they are 2 and 5. They don't understand that those dolls are special... I tried the college fund idea with him, but it didn't work, that's when he told me the whole it wasn't about money thing. Oh well.
Some people really do like to give gifts to show love (my mom is one of them) and they can easily go overboard. I do agree with PPs about a guilt issue too.
Maybe you can pack some of the presents away for later in the year so they aren't overwhelmed with "stuff" right now and can focus on a couple of things.
(Oh, and I feel your pain on the tent. My mom bought DS1 a HUGE expandable tennis-shoe looking tent thing, complete with tunnels when I lived in an *apartment* in Montana. She felt bad that she was far away, and DS2 was due to arrive soon. Just what I needed filling my entire living & dining room.)
PHOTOS REMOVED
I guess I don't see the issue with letting people give gifts if it makes them happy.
If you're worried about it being too much, can you put some of them back for later gift-giving occasions? Easter, birthdays, etc?
Yes,I'm smiling...I'm a marathoner!
Bloggy McBloggerson
CO Nestie Award Winner-Prettiest Brain-Back to Back!
2011 Bests
5K-22:49 10K-47:38 Half Mary-1:51:50
2012 Race Report
1/1-New Year's 5K-22:11
2/11-Sweetheart Classic 4-mile-29:49
3/24-Coulee Chase 5K-21:40
5/6-Colorado Marathon-4:08:30
5/28-Bolder Boulder 10K
<><
Tizzle 10/07 ~ Boppy 7/09 ~ Chicken 1/12
2014 Reading Goal: 85
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
What about next year giving him a list of one or two things and then telling him he can contribute to their college fund which is really the gift that keeps on giving even after he's long gone.
Katie Talks About...
I definitely understand the not wanting the kids to have a bunch of stuff and the clutter, but it does sound like he's coming from a place of showing his love through gifts. My MIL does it, too, because she's not here and that's about all she can do.
I'd just say thanks and put some of the stuff away in the closet for later. Or give it away if you really don't want it.
I second the idea of donating older toys. This way you can make it a learning experience on how fortunate they are.
We do this already. I actually just got rid of two huge bags of toys a couple weeks ago. The kids know they have to get rid of some things in November and again in the summer (near their b-day). And as far as holding toys back, I can't do that because FIL has to hear about how much they like and/ or play with everything as soon as it's been opened, plus he does this for every holiday and b-day as well. Oh well, he gives it to them and I keep my mouth shut and try to figure out a way to suggest more strongly that he get them one or two special things and contributes to their 529s as well.