Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not in love...I think
I feel awful even putting this in words. I come from a very traditional family, no divorces. I married almost 5 years ago the guy I had been with for 4 years. Family loves him, same background, on paper perfect.
Trouble is I am so unhappy I can't imagine another 50 years like this. I did love him, we had similar values, had fun etc. Now I cringe when he walks in. I pretend everything is ok on the outside (he knows it's not) but I hate the idea of disappointing my family.
We just bought a farm, (I agreed even though I knew it was wrong because I felt so guilty), the house is perfect, the busines should make good money in a few years. Right now money is tight but honestly, I'd live in a tent if I could be happy again. It seems like I have no real reason for us to split.....except this crushing unhappiness. Has anyone else gone through something similar?
Re: Not in love...I think
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I was in a pretty similar position, only I had 3 kids and was married 12 years.
Now i am remariied 5 years and oh so much happier!
Yeah, why are you so unhappy?
There can be a variety of reasons you cringe when he walks in the door, and I really think it matters.
Reading between the lines, it just sounds like you're bored with him. You say he's perfect on paper and you have the same values, etc. Sounds like you think you settled and he's just not doing it for you anymore. In which case, I do think you should get counseling to see if it's something you can recapture.
I have been for individual counseling and for couples therapy.
Individually I discovered my voice for the first time, I have a bad habit of doing what makes other people happy, hence my reluctance to leave. My therapist encouraged me to look for what would "give me my happy back". I was severely depressed when I started seeing her. No meds, I just needed to learn to talk. I'm still having difficulty with this.
Couples counseling was horrific. We finally got to talk about things that had been building since the satrt of our marriage but to be honest I think I've probably checked out at this point.
I do still love him..not in love, I guess I look at him as my friend/family. I don't have the "in love" feeling and I know as a relationship ages that changes but I don't think I should be 30 and done with love for the rest of my life. I feel so lonely in this relationship, that's mostly my fault for pushing him away but I want to look into the eyes of my life partner and have that unspoken communication that see other couples have. I want to be attracted to someone. I want to feel close to someone. I just don't have that anymore and it's been gone for so long.
I guess my reluctance to make the final step is the fear of the unknown. Also, I can't put into words how to do it. Saying "I love you but am not in love with you" seems so stupid and theatrical.