Military Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Michelle Duggar miscarries :(
I saw this on another board. It is terribly sad.
I changed my name
I can say this here, because I know y'all, but some people's responses on other boards are making me kind of stabby.
Them saying "I feel bad, but they should have stopped" or "this should be their sign to stop" or whatever really just reads to me as blaming the victim or ... not quite saying she deserved it... but close.
I changed my name
There is a post on my BMB where only one person hasn't said those things. I just want to scream.
thats how a lot of the posts are reading to me. Everything they said after the "but"s or "however"s really nullifies their notion of "I feel bad"s or whatever.
Also, I dont get people who are soooo pro-choice but then want to put limits on people like the Duggars. I dont think it works that way. You are for choosing, right? She's choosing to have lots of babies, and they are good parents overall.
I changed my name
Like, what if some girl on the nest had a mc, and then people on here were like "it was bound to happen" or "you should stop having kids now" ... um, yeah, lets try that one out and see if people dont stalk you down and slash your tires because they're so pissed. COME.ON!
I changed my name
What Fancy said.
I don't care who you are or how many kids you have, a miscarriage (especially so late in the game) is heartbreaking. I imagine the nationwide scrutiny can't help, either. The Duggars are such good people and I really feel for them.
My Blog
I read the thread on 9-12 about this. The first couple of responses were all of the "this is totally a sign" variety, but everyone else agreed that that's a crap thing to say.
Someone made a really great point that I hadn't thought about before. She said that people push the limits of their bodies all the time. If this were her 20th marathon or Tour de France, people would be cheering for her all over the place, but it's her 20th pregnancy so people feel okay to judge for some reason.
My heart goes out to them
This is so sad. I can't imagine having to tell their children that they lost the baby. They are in my thoughts and prayers.
Being pro-choice doesn't mean you have to agree with the choices other people make. I disagree with what the Duggars are doing with their family, but I will defend their right to make that choice.
Much as I think they should stop because their AWing is getting ridiculous, no way in hell would I ever want them to go through something like this.
Sooo, maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I doubt it, since it came from a genius on the bump:
"She just needs to love her 19 children and be done! She's now putting her unborn children at risk for so many risks. She just needs to be thankful for what she has."
I said I hope she never goes through that and I really hope nobody says anything so hurtful to her. I'm being called rude, in caps lock, by multiple people. Clearly you should only be thankful for what you have if that includes previous children.
The bump is the judgiest place on the planet. This doesn't surprise me. She lost a child for goodness sake.
I've had to think very carefully about how to phrase this, but I am truly curious as to how people view this.
Looking at this situation from the fetus's point of view:
Would you say that it is unfair to the fetus to get pregnant when there is a much higher risk of miscarriage? (As compared to previous pregnancies, or due to some medical condition or whatever the case may be)
OR
Would you say that it's perfectly fair to the fetus because in the act of trying to have the baby, you're giving it any chance at all of living (even if the odds aren't that great) whereas had they not been trying at all that life would never have had a chance of existing in the first place?
Please feel free to add to, subtract from or otherwise edit these options if needed!
Severe endometriosis runs in my family. My maternal grandma had it. She and my grandpa tried for 6 years to have a baby. Durring those 6 years, she suffered 5 losses. They gave up and decided to adopt. Right before their interview with an agency, my grandma found out she was pregnant again. That baby was my mom. My grandma went on to have two more successfull pregnancies, both girls. My grandpa really wanted a son, so they tried one more time. At 29 weeks, my grandma gave birth to twin girls. One of my aunts lived. The other passed away three days later. My grandma says those losses still break her heart. However, with out them, she wouldn't have had the blessings that she did have.
Similary, one of my aunts had a similar situation. She was told she would never have kids but wanted them so badly. She tried for years and suffered many miscariages. After 10 years, she had given up. She had decided to take a nursing job overseas. When they gave her a pg test. It was positive, but with her losses, she tried not to get her hopes up. My cousin is 18 today. My aunt suffered through a few more losses before her doctor finally did a hyserectomy. She calls A her miracle baby.
I don't know if I could put my heart through what they have been through so many times knowing how it felt the one time I suffered it. They could have "just been greatful" for the lives they had. There are people who could have "just been greatful" for the lives they had. I guaruntee they would have told you their lives did not feel complete. There was something missing. I'm probably not articulating this well, but I hope you get what my point is. I believe if you want something bad enough, you'll go through hell to get it.
You took the thoughts right out of my head and I'm betting very few of them.
I'm not following your logic here. Which the exception of her last pg and complications (which arguably could happen to anyone) she had no inclinition that this would not be a healthy pregnancy. Yes, she was warned of complications and all that, but if we are honest, pregnancy can be a health risk to any mother or any fetus.
By your logic, my aunt should have stopped trying to have kids because she had 5 MCs? Women should probably stop getting ivf, because the fertilized egg may not take (whatever the terminology is), or depending on the women's medical issues she could mc that baby. Women over 35 should probably not try to get pg because the higher risks to the fetus and higher risk pregnancy in general.
If we start calculating "whats fair" to fetuses, then who would be eligible to have babies? who gets to decide what is "fair"?
But, you know, she's already had 19 kids, so the rest of us should all feel vindicated in her MCing because WE all think she should stop, and WE dont agree with her choices. Now WE can all say this is a sign from God and she needs to stop.
I changed my name
This is where we start to get into the "When is it a life?" debate, which has been really prominent lately because of Prop 26 in MS. IMO, it doesn't matter if it's fair to the fetus or not because the fetus doesn't doesn't have rights, so it's a moot point.
I was going to say something similar. You can't have it both ways - either the fetus is a person whose feelings need to be taken into account, in which case abortion should be illegal, or it's not.
Bottom line, as a country we've decided that all choices having to do with reproduction are private and left to the woman in question and whomever else she decides to involve. Yes, the Duggars have opened themselves up to public scrutiny by living their lives on camera, but even that doesn't give someone the right to insinuate that she deserves a miscarriage or that she's not making the right choice for her family. We know only what's been shown on an edited television show. We don't have all the information.
Also, the contingent saying that they're being AWs and just having more kids for the show make no sense. They had 17 kids before they were offered a TV show. In reality, a couple more kids really isn't much when you already have 17. Is 17 not enough to "prove" that they've chosen this lifestyle because it's something they believe in very strongly? Or is it that 17 is proof of religious belief but 20 is Awing for money?
The high risk question is kind of absurd. I was high risk when I was pregnant with my twins. Probably more so than Michelle's AMA pregnancy. I don't believe continuing with my pregnancy after finding out I was carrying two (thus incredibly high risk) was selfish or unfair to my babies.
These types of situations were what I had in mind when I started typing my response so I think that I get what you're saying. I won't go into all the details, but the situations I was thinking of were all pretty personal.
Looking at the disagreements that members of this board was having with members of other boards also helped to shape where I was going with all that. I was attempting to fit the logic of the "it's a sign" people into my own personal view.
I didn't mean to suggest termination of high risk pregnancies that have already started. I meant to infer the same starting point for both opinions, before pregnancy happens. I could have been clearer about that. And I also totally forgot to factor in how the law feels about fetuses. In my heart I guess that I'm always going to feel differently than the law does. In my mind, I imagine a fetus in a high risk pregnancy as having the same rights as a person with an advanced illness looking at treatment options. There may be risk involved, but a chance sounds better than no chance.