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This is when it is hard
Since I am without a DH now, I will be spending Xmas this year in AZ with my family. I thought it would be nice and at least allow me to not be alone. My family is dysfunctional though and there is already so much drama involved with the holiday that I think I will end up pretty darn lonely anyway and not doing what I want to do. I am starting to just feel so upset that no one in my family is getting along and I am in a no-win situation with them now. It's not going to be the happy, peaceful, exciting family holiday I got used to with my DH. It's going to be lonely, boring and dramatic.
DH and I had the best Christmases. That is one thing I cannot complain about. We were always excited to open gifts, surprise each other and go to all of our friends' parties. We had this tradition of looking at lights and drinking hot chocolate and playing Christmas music. I always decorated the house. It was such a fun, awesome time for us and we just had so much love during this time. It was perfect. There was never any drama. No fights. It was good, quality time. This year, I was looking forward to celebrating with our 2nd dog for the first time.
I miss having my own lil family to celebrate with (DH and 2 dogs). I miss our traditions. I miss everything we did during this holiday. I miss all our friends. I miss our house. I miss the dog he got to keep. I don't even have my decorations b/c I had nowhere to store them in my little condo. I used to love decorating, baking and spending time with DH and friends. Most of those friends I don't even have anymore. Most of all though I just miss having my own happy family.
I know I should focus on what I do have but right now after drama-filled calls from all my family members today, I am just at a low point. Thanks for reading my rant.
Re: This is when it is hard
Why do you feel like you have to spend your Christmas with your dysfunctional family? Just so you are not physically alone? Even if you are emotionally alone? If you still have pets, you could still make it your Christmas even if you are physically alone. I know for me, spending the day alone was much better than spending the day with my family, which I knew would only make me feel more lonely.
You don't have to participate in the drama or even listen to it. "This isn't my business, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to me about this." And reinforce it if they keep trying.
ETA - I've also found that when I say, "I don't want to talk about anyone." People usually stop talking behind other people's back to me and don't bring the drama to me. If they start talking about someone, I say the above and change the subject back to me and the person I am talking with on the phone/in person. It's actually really effective.
I should have just planned to spend the holiday alone here in VA. Instead, I let my family convince me to come to AZ and I conveniently forgot the usual drama that this entails.
So now I will be in AZ with my family - away from my own place, my friends and my dog. I am sort of stuck with these plans so maybe the day will just be a wash this year and I will plan better in the future.
I just really miss having my own family for the holidays and doing what we love to do. I really made an effort to create a wonderful holiday because of the past with my family and now here I am right back in it.
I feel like my whole life is moving backwards. I agree with you guys, I do need to make exciting plans and new traditions but I'm afraid this year, I made the wrong plan!
Honestly, the holidays will probably be hard for a while. My ex moved out two years ago the week of Christmas. I am over my ex, ds and I are doing fantastic, I have a great new SO that I am moving in with after the first of the year. But even with all the good change in my life, this time of year is still hard because of what it reminds me of.
Each year gets easier and you find ways to make new memories.
Hang in there.
Thanks everyone!
Hana thanks kellandragon! Good to know there may be a rescue team if I need it.
I am feeling better. I keep reminding myself that it's okay things are not perfect now. It's okay if I don't have it figured out. It's okay if there are days that aren't totally awesome and amazing. It's okay if this year the holidays aren't the best ever. It's okay because things being bad now, doesn't mean things will be bad tomorrow too. Life is a process and I'll just keep showing up till it gets better.