Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
For those with children
I'm not on here much, but I figured it would be a good place to get some thoughts on this. My XH has visitation with our kids on Friday nights. He is supposed to keep them overnight. He has been cancelling at the last minute so much lately, so its averaging maybe every other week he sees them. I'm not sure how he can't miss the crap out of them but thats another topic. I'm at a loss when it comes to having to break my son's heart every other week (DD is young enough that she doesn't understand). What do you say to your child when their dad is a big douche and backs out on visitation? He texted me this morning that he can't see them tonight because he's sick. Yeah right. I'm planning to try to make it a fun evening for DS. We are going to bake cookies and watch Frosty, which he will love but I hate having to tell him no daddy's house tonight. I'm just not sure how to tell him without thinking that I am the one making the decision without throwing his douche I mean dad under the bus.
Re: For those with children
I don't have kids, but I'd just like to say I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It must be so difficult!
I would think that if he's not living up to the terms of the custody agreement, you could go back to court and renegotiate it. Although, it sounds like you don't want him out of your children's lives. Anyway, I'm sure some of the other ladies will have better advice for you.
Ditto.
This sounds like one of those rough situations with no real solution.
I think your idea of planning lots of activities and things to do with the kids is a good one. If nothing else but to distract your kids from the fact that their dad isn't with them.
I would have a "heart to heart" (or more like a "here's the reality....") w/ your ex and tell him this isn't acceptable. Explain to him that this isn't fair to your son (and eventually your DD when she is old enough to get it) and it's unacceptable. He needs to either stop cancelling, or you'll need to go back to court and get the visitation rules changed.
Depending on your overall feelings on this - if you want to be "nice" and let him pick another night (if staying home w/ his son on a Friday night is the real burden (and trust me, I'm side-eyeing him hard as I write that)), bring that up.
But really.... your son is suffering for this and that's not fair. Your ex needs to step up and either show up on Friday nights, pick another night (if you want to give him that option), or be honest w/ you about the amount of visitation he really wants (i.e. he doesn't even want every week).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry you are dealing with this.
-Wait until just before they are supposed to see their dad to tell them he is supposed to come, make sure you talk about it like it's going to be fun.
-keep a journal of everytime he cancels. (Just in case you need to go back to court, you have this documented)
Good luck.
Unfortunately, I have tried the heart to heart thing. There's a lot more back story to this, but I feel pretty strongly that one of the reasons he is doing this is to hurt me or get back at me. He doesn't get it that it is not a punishment for me to spend time with my kids, but he is only doing them a disservice and hurting his own relationship with them. A few weeks ago, my son was talking to him on the phone and told him he doesn't want him to be his daddy anymore and he wants a new daddy.
He does not take anything I say seriously. He is a child. I do think I may talk to him about changing the visitation schedule because this is unacceptable. The sad thing is he doesn't even have a job so he basically has all week to sit around doing nothing. I would think he'd be jumping at the chance to have them, if not MORE frequently.
This! I would not say anything to your kids about dad visiting until he shows up. It is almost like setting your kids up for dissapointments when the plan does not pan out, especially with the history of their father bailing out often.
I would redo the visitation paperwork and change schedulings. Not only the kids are dissapointed when their father does not show up, your time is also being wasted on this man.
You, unfortunately, cannot make him be a good dad or see what he's missing. The best thing you can do is stop telling the kids that dad is coming. If he shows up, cool, but if he doesn't they don't get broken hearts. I also agree with documenting all the missed times.
I remember, vividly, my dad doing this to my little brother and him sitting at the top of the stairs for hours waiting on him to show up. It was heartbreaking.
Here's the messed up part, it didn't matter how many times this happened, my brother kept my dad on a high pedestal. As an adult, he's gone out of his way to spend time with my dad...I think he's still trying to feel loved. It's so sad and it breaks my heart to think of any innocent little kid having to deal with that.
As big of a doucher as my X is, he is a constant in my son's life and I will be forever grateful for that.
DD is very fortunate in that her dad shows up every time on time. He has never disappointed her and I am truly grateful for that.
To me, it sounds like your EH wants Friday nights to himself every now and again and to be honest, I can't really blame him. BUT, that shouldn't be at the sake of your children. Have you asked him if that was the case and if an EOW would work better for him. Maybe pick the kids up early one other day from day care (providing they go), because he isn't working. I don't know. Just some ideas. Maybe a Tuesday afternoon until about 6:00 and then every other Friday night overnight.
What is his response as to why he keeps cancelling?