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Have any of you been aware of this?
I think my MIL is having a hard time with her youngest son (my DH) being all grown up and married. She's a wonderful woman-she tries not to cross the line and is very warm/welcoming to me-no real issues there. She was older when she had DH though so it signifies her age more than younger mothers, I think (DH is in his late 20's, MIL is almost 70).
She's made passing comments just once or twice about actually seeing an older person in the mirror (her reflection) and takes many (exhausting to me) "walks down memory lane". For example DH's birthday weekend wanting him/us to come to the town over's parade because DH used to be in it when he was little. And then hosting a birthday dinner for him with all the foods he used to order at the restaurant they would go to after he finished in the parade in high school. Then pulling out baby pictures. (And explaining what I just mentioned to the table as people were eating so we all understood the reasoning behind the specific meal).
DH is an amazing person. He's extremely intelligent, attractive, motivated, sweet, etc. and I know she's proud to be his mother. But another example is when she received a thank you note from my grandparents after my IL's hosted our RD a few months ago. My grandmom was of course very gracious and complimentary and as she loves my DH, she wrote about what a great man he is. MIL showed me, which is nice, but then pointed out 3 TIMES the line of my grandmom writing about DH. It got weird. And then I got a bit resentful because considering how happy receiving that note made her, she never thought to send my mom one (or call) to say anything about the wedding which my parents hosted 100%--my mom called HER a week later. It almost seemed like she wasn't thrilled with the marriage yet she's never said anything negative directly.
I'm over it all, really. I realize I don't think we'll ever be super close-we're just different I suppose-but has anyone else gone through anything similar?
Re: Have any of you been aware of this?
honestly I think you're over thinking his note thing. Why would she thank them for hosting your wedding? Isn't that something you should do. Maybe she felt bad for not contributing? who knows what her reason was, maybe she mentioned to them at the wedding how nice it was. I'd drop that.
As for the memory lane thing. She sounds like she's just noticing her own mortality. Thinking of how your H was one of the biggest accomplishments in her life. My grandparents are going through something similar. They're losing some of their friends and realizing how important family is. They're constantly sharing stories and reminding us of little things, giving us little keepsakes... I don't know if it's because they're afraid they'll forget, or if they want someone else to know, or if they want to know that they did these good things. I'd just let her have this though, it's a little annoying but it's really not hurting anyone.
Yeah, I agree - you're overthinking the note thing. You and DH got married - YOU ALL owe the thanks to your parents, not his mom.
As for memory lane... I get that it's exhausting, but how often is this actually happening? On his b-day, eh, I'd give her that. His being born was a HUGE day in her life too....
And while I hope to not be like this, as I was 38 when I had DS, I've thought about what age I'll be when he's at ___ age. And I also think about "will I still be here for all the major events in his life?". I think about how hands on my parents have been w/ DS, but they were in their late 20's when I was born - so they are younger. Will I be able to offer the same to him when (and if) he has kids? Or will I be too old?
The older you get, this kind of stuff creeps up on you!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If the worst thing your MIL does it get sentimental about her child, I wouldn't complain about this. A little much, yes. Harmful, no.
I don't see her needing to write your parents a thank you note for the wedding. Your grandmother chose to make a nice gesture, but she wasn't obligated to do that either.
I wouldn't start out on a bad foot over petty things.
I'm not really able to connect your examples as to why she is bugging you. The "memory lane" habit just seems, to me, like a motherly trait. Besides, she's boasting about the man you love - how can this be a downfall? It bothers me when my dad repeats the same.exact.story.over.and.over about people I've never met, etc. or when people in general just talk about things/people/places that you've never met or seen and cannot relate to - Ok, I can get that. BUT, this woman is speaking of your DH. Whether is just gets repetitive or not, just smile & know that she's proud of him & acknowledges his birthday & does nice things for him.
I agree that you are digging for a negative from the note. How I see it, she was appreciative to receive the thank you & was gracious for the kind words written about your DH. She was just showing you because she wanted to let you know this.
The only thank you's that needed & should've gone around for yours & DH's wedding, should've been from you & your DH. Anyone else who wants to call & thank one another is just a bonus - not expected.
I think you're taking little quirks (or maybe you feel these are "flaws") and shining a negative light on them.
DH is an amazing person. He's extremely intelligent, attractive, motivated, sweet, etc.
So did his mom have anything to do with this outcome?
And seriously. She's warm and welcoming. Why on earth are you bittching about how much she loves her son?
Have you written her a thank you for the RD? Has your dh written your parents (or have you, for that matter) for your wedding? Because you two are the ones who should have done this.
Oh gosh, I really really really hope my sons don't marry women like you. I'm not saying that to be mean, but I think some women act very territorial w/ their husbands, and this post seems to scream "he's mine now!!!"
She's almost 70. She's not going to be around forever. So she wants to get sentimental. That's completely normal. My sons are 2 1/2 and 6 months, and I get sentimental over little things. God help me when I'm 70.
I love it when my MIL takes trip down memory lane. Even though I've heard the stories many times, they are usually funny and charming stories of the days before I knew DH. They are happy memories for her, they're happy memories for DH, and they're stories that my children will hear often enough that they'll remember and treasure.
And as for the note...what on God's green Earth makes you think your MIL owes your parents anything for hosting a wedding, or anything at all??!! They didn't host the wedding for her, they did it for you and for your DH. And it's very sweet that your grandparents wrote a thank you note for the RD, but again, the ILs did that for you and your DH, not for your grandparents. Have you written a thank you note for the host for every wedding you've attended? Every RD you've attended? Every baby shower or bridal shower you've attended? No? Well there you go.
Maybe someday you will understand.
And your MIL doesn't owe anyone a thank you card - it wasn't her wedding, it wasn't her party. Do you expect all of your wedding guests to send TYs to your parents? You sound a bit like a pill with a serious chip on her shoulder - you should work on getting that in check before it drives a wedge between you and your husband.
I agree with donny and may. You sound a little self-indulgent. You'd be wise to take a step back here.
Just because something bugs you doesn't mean it's wrong.
My original post has zero agitation in it so I'm not understanding the few nasty responses. The whole reason I brought this up was because I was wondering if it was normal or not, my family is clearly much different.
I made it clear from the start of the post I adore my MIL. I'm not territorial over my H at all, we've just had some boundary marking over the past few months and I've been trying to figure out what's "normal." It's important to me that we both remain close with our families while at the same time break away as we are our own family now too.
When MIL is reminiscing I smile and often show interest (ask a question, etc). I have no idea how it feels to be on her end, obviously, I'm just used to a different atmosphere. My parents sometimes get emotional (thinking about way back when..) when my mom/dad and I are talking alone, but when we're in a group or H is there, we're all visiting more so as peers--at the same time my parents don't yet have grandchildren and have just hit the "retirement" time-to-play-again stage so that may have something to do with it.
Edit: In response to the note-I didn't expect them to write a thank you; my grandparents didn't write a thank you. They wrote how wonderful it was, etc. acknowledging their granddaughters RD and mentioning how much they love DH. My point with her not calling/saying anything to my mom was that it seemed odd not to. She definitely didn't owe a thank you, it's just polite, IMO, to follow up and say something nice/extend an olive branch when it's clear how much time/energy went into celebrating the marriage of her son and I.
No. If we were dogs we'd be marking "territory".
A lot of couples have to make boundaries clear in the beginning and we were one of them. Or else we'd still be having IL's dropping by a few times a week.
You seriously think your MIL should thank your mother and father for the wedding they threw for you?
Has your dh written your parents a note expressing his appreciation? Have you? to either set of parents?
I'm sorry. No, your thought process here is not normal. Yes, your MIL is normal. You're stirring up shitt where you don't need to, and where it will not benefit you to do so. Your MIL loves her son; trust me, she always will. Apparently her expression of this makes you feel territorial, and that some boundary has been crossed. I think you're in error in this feeling,and if you continue this thought process you will cause yourself heartache. If you try to make your dh 'deal' with it in some way, you will cause the both of you heartache. Please lighten up.
Past that - how long have you and DH been together, and have there been specific issues w/ either your MIL or your own parents that actually warrants this "boundary marking"?
Yes, in getting married, you created a new family, and what not. But it's not something that you need to pre-emptively draw boundaries over. If there have been specific issues, then I might change this opinion. But the vibe I'm getting from your OP and your response is that you feel you have to be pre-emptive, like you have to draw a line in the sand and announce "WE'RE MARRIED - RESPECT US!!!!". I don't know how to explain this, but I just want to say "roll with it. See what happens. See how these relationships play out. Deal w/ issues as they arise. Don't draw a line in the sand."
Lastly - yes, his family is different than yours. You'll make things MUCH easier for yourself if you stop comparing them and stop looking at your family as "right" and his family as "wrong". Regardless of how long you've been together, I really doubt it's some new piece of information that your families are different! They were different before you got married and they'll be different after.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Take the word "normal" out of your vocabulary when it comes to your IL's...nothing will ever measure up to be "normal". Yes, they are "different" - any family that is not your "own" will be "different" in some way.
Also, change your expectations. In your opinion, you, think it would've been polite to acknowledge the wedding (why, I don't know...), but that's not (news flash!) what everyone typically does and that's not what MIL did.
You can't just think up ideas of what "proper" etiquette is and then get upset when people don't follow through.
Also, you used the term "olive branch" - I'm curious, was there some sort of argument/fight leading up to the wedding? Were you looking for MIL to call & "thank" your parents or really to call and make a mense/owe an apology??
When you say "commenting on actually seeing an older person in the mirror" - she knows this is her reflection, right? It's more "wow I can see myself aging" or "I look at myself and see an old person" vs "there's an old person looking back at me and I don't know who they are" - if it's the latter you may want to encourage her to book/take her to a doctor and get checked out.
It's hard for any mother to watch how quickly her child grows up and away. Just look at the tickers on the Parenting Board that reference "Growing too fast". It's how moms feel; if you're ever lucky enough to be one, you'll understand better.
And this bothers you because?
Your DH and his mom had a life before you. It happens. I get that it's weird to come into a party a little late, but I think this is just a little nostalgia.
Sure do hope that's a typo; him being his own mother. But a piece of who he is today is a function of that sentimentality.Taking on a new DIL is a challenge. Offer her the benefit of the doubt and I'm sure she will offer you the same.
It sounds like she is single now. My MIL is a single mom and has been for a long time. DH is an only child. She dedicated 18 years of her life to making him her top priority, putting all her time and energy into making sure he grew up happy and healthy. I am so incredibly grateful to her I cannot describe. She did an amazing job raising him and I really respect her for it. I am a very unsentimental
Person and MIL is sentimental. I know it's not about me at all, it has to be hard to see DH growing up and having an independent life when so much of her life revolved around him for so long. So while I'm not that into photos, etc. I completely understand why she is. And because she is sentimental she has completely enveloped me into the unconditional love and pride she has for DH. It is a pretty cool feeling to be that loved by someone who isn't required to love me : ). Instead of turning this into a boundary marking contest try to be grateful for the fact she loves you guys and isn't toxic, doesn't let herself into your house, doesn't try to mooch money, doesn't openly trash you, etc. Your MiL is acting out of genuine selfless love for your DH and not even in a possessive or competitive way, in a genuine non threatening way. You need some perspective.
It sounds like you are very stuck in what your family is like and what your family does. No matter who you marry their family will be different from yours and will show love and affection in their own way. Learn to be grateful for what she's done and who she is, rather than resentful that she isn't 100% the way your family is.
Stop looking for MIL issues. It seems like you expect them to be there, so you're creating them in your own mind.
Even though you're his wife, she is still his mother. There is nothing wrong with the relationship they have. She gets to be sentimental if she wants; it's not wrong. If you don't like it, that's your issue to deal with, not hers.
As people age, they often get sentimental. They also tend to tell the same stories over and over again. I find it baffling you don't realize this.
I'm still aghast that your mom called your MIL fishing for compliments on your wedding. That's just...weird. And rude.
I understand that repetitive stories can get really old. As people get older, they forget that they have told you the same thing 100 times. Both of our mothers do this and I just smile and pretend like I'm listening and be sweet.I have a dear uncle with alzheimers and it's pretty bad now, when we have family GTG, he will see DS and it's like he is meeting him for the first time- every 5 minutes. I guess this has helped my patience a lot with regard to older people and their forgetfulness.
Remember that your MIL is proud of her son, as you are of your DH. You both very significant women in his life- make the best of your time with her
I am an emotional person. DS is only 1 year old and I already get very emotional over him. I hope he marries someone who makes him happy and will be happy to listen to me rave about what a wonderful little boy he was/is to have.