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Newly wed woes...or is it?
is this normal?
After ppl get married one wants to visit and chat with friends and the other wants to stay home. If i get home to late he's upset especially if i'm visiting with friends or family, which does not happen a lot since we got married 11.05.11.
When he's upset he doesn't speak even if it takes him days to cool down. To help him cool down he goes for a run?
Re: Newly wed woes...or is it?
That has to stop.
And I suspect that this has always been his stellar way of communicating. No way that this just started to happen within the last month.
He's also controlling in addition to being immature. I'd sit him down toot sweet and tell him that it has to stop.
I could tell you to tell him to get counseling but fat lot of good it'll do; he probably will not agree to go.
Having one person be more social and one person be more of a homebody? That might be norma, I really can't say. However, as PP have said what is not normal, not normal at all is him not speaking to you and punishing you for days because you spent time with friends and family. That is just terrible. I mean I can kinda understand him being a LITTLE upset if you blew him off or if you were doing this several nights out of the week, but to give you the silent treatment for days is completely unacceptable.
You must go with him to a marriage counselor because this is very unhealthy and if you do go on to have children, a terrible environment for them to grow up in.
No, this is absolutely NOT normal.
Why is he upset when you stay out late, exactly? Is he saying that you don't spend enough time with him? Is he afraid for your safety? Does he want you home to cook dinner, clean up, etc.?
But all this, paired with the fact that he ignores you for days just for visiting family and friends (seriously, WTF is his problem?), sounds like he is super-controlling and wants to isolate you from everyone you love. There is absolutely no reason why you should be spending less time with friends and family just because you've gotten married. None at all.
And when he "goes for a run," how long is he gone? Are you sure he's out running?
This doesn't sound good. At all. Don't let him isolate you from your support system ... if this is what he's going, then his goal is to make you think that he's the only person in the world you can trust. Because when he starts abusing you, you'll feel like you have nowhere to run and you won't leave him. And if he's jealous and accusing you of spending time with other men, then chances are pretty high that he's actually the one doing the cheating.
Um...He gets mad and doesn't speak to you for days because you visit family?
RED FLAG!!!!!
I would nip this in the bud right now if I were you.
The silent treatment and the controlling behavior must go -- don't tolerate it.
And yeah, when he goes off on his little fitness kick, where exactly is he going? I'm with the pp who asked Are you sure he is off running and not doing anything else?
Something is weird here indeed. good luck with getting down to the bottom of this --- and if he lays one hand on you or calls you names, get out of there immediately.
Sorry for your troubles.
When you say, "stay out late" do you mean late as in past your bedtime so you have no couple time. or late as in you said you'd be home at 8pm don't rock home until 2am? Or late as in some arbitrary time on the clock that your husband has decided is unacceptable?
I think it's ok for a couple to have a difference of opinion as to how much time is ok to spend out with family/friends vs time as a couple. I think it's ok to come up with an agreement that suits you both.
I don't think it's ok to throw a tantrum because you don't like your wife out socialising and not speak to her for days. This makes your husband sound like a twat.
I am wondering how you're communicating your plans with your husband though. If you're saying, "I plan to see cousin Mary tonight and will be home around 10" and he says "ok" but then is sulking when you get home, then that is weird on his part.
If you say, "I'm gonna see cousin Mary after work, I'll see you when I get home." and he says "ok" but is sulking when you get home then maybe he's mad because he thought you'd be home earlier.
Either way the sulking is childish. YOu need to talk with him and find out a) what his problem is and then b) work on the communication. Some ocunselling may be useful for this.
That sounds like punishment, not "cooling down".
No, one spouse should not punish the other, no matter how upset they are. Punishing you for spending too many hours out of the house visiting friends and family is really inappropriate. Unless you were doing something outrageous like drinking and driving home or taking a cab home at 4 am.
Runnning to cool down is a good stress reliever, but it shouldn't take days to talk to you. And being that "angry" form normal social behavior that he needs a run is not okay.
This. How old are you and your husband, if you don't mind me asking?
DH is quite a homebody; I like to go out all the time. We reached a compromise where we alternate every other weekend and it works for us. He never kept me from seeing family and friends, though.
Marriage is alot of compromise and listening to find a common ground (at least for us, it was). We are happy (this year will be 5 years), but the first year was really tough while we worked through things.
We got married later in life, too (DH was 38; I was 36). In some ways I think that this was even harder because we were both super independent and set in our ways as single folks.
Good luck- some counseling to help facilitate your conversations might help.
I got married 11/5 too! How many times since you've been married have you gone out without him? How late are you coming home? I could see him being upset if you go out without him nearly every night and don't come home till 4am or something, but even then, that's something that he needs to actually communicate with you, not just shut you out and throw a temper tantrum about it.
However, if you only go out every so often and he's acting this way, then it's a major issue. You need to have a major discussion about this asap, maybe even some marriage counseling. It's especially unusual that he was okay with this just a month ago before you got married, but all of a sudden doesn't like it.
Good luck!
His sulks are, at best, childish and stupid. I don't see anything wrong with excersizing to get rid of anger and to work things through in his head. But days on end of the silent treatment? He has some issues.
But really, you don't sound blameless here. You've been married for 6 weeks and you're going out without him a lot? Women aren't the only ones capable of "magical thinking" and assuming that a person will change after marriage. He might have thought you'd "settle down" and actually want to spend you evenings with your DH.
Family time is important... and DH is your family too.
I think this could go either way.
-Are you ever inviting your H along with you or do you always assume he isn't interested in coming along (unless you're just getting together with girl friends). (He may feel left out)
-Are you staying out multiple times a week? Or is it just once or twice? (If it's multiple he could feel neglected/put after others)
-How late is "getting home too late". An hour after you said you'd be home, anytime after HE TOLD you to be home, or late as in past midnight?
-Is there anything else involved-are these truly innocent gatherings with family and sometimes friends or are you also drinking? (Sorry-it's worth noting though)
If you're coming home at a decent hour, it isn't every night, and you make it clear that your H is welcome to come along, then I agree he's showing extremely controlling behavior. Whether this is the case or not, his response by ignoring you is out of line and should be addressed.
I recommend seeing a counselor. Maybe he's concerned about something you're not seeing but is terrible at communicating and doesn't know how to address the issue.
Sometimes DH and I get "out of sync". I'm currently a SAHW + training horses on the side while DH works a 40 hr week + 3 hours of commuting/day. I plan our schedule so that Monday-Thursday (unless I have a girls night) is low key. Friday night-Sunday is when we do our big socializing and we typically rotate weekends with friends or family. I see my family during the day if I visit with weekend gatherings spotted so that we can all visit together. My point is, we're both free to do whatever we'd like when we'd like to, but we're respectful of each other. This is what a counselor may be able to help you two with.
Seeing some of the rest of the advice, I'm a little concerned that others are jumping to conclusions. The whole "are you sure he is actually going for a run" advice is just adding drama in the absence of information. We have no idea what is going on and have no basis to assume that your DH is indeed not going for a run or that he will refuse counseling so please disregard that. My brother comes from a family of violent men and he has that same short fuse followed by physical anger. He learned to control his severe anger in a very positive way by going for a run or strenuous workout to diffuse that aggression. Once he is physically calm, he is then ready to communicate. So going for a run is not an "oooh, he is off doing something bad" red flag like others have made it out to be.
My question is, do you have a clue why is he so mad? Has he communicated why? Are you going out drinking or staying out night after night extremely late? Are you hanging out with friends or family that he has had past conflict with or people who he considers a bad influence? Are you going out and spending time with people that you KNOW will make him angry? If so, then his getting mad is not unreasonable, but the lack of communication is. If not, then there is something else that we don't have information about that is making him angry.
If you are doing nothing different than you were before and his change in attitude happened after the wedding, then maybe he has some internal expectations of what being a wife is that he did not discuss with you prior to getting married.
Whatever is going on here, you two need to communicate. Don't try to do it when he is mad, wait until he is calm, then use "I" statements such as, "I feel frightened and confused when you don't speak to me." Really try to talk together and if that doesn't work suggest counseling or talking with an informal mediator such as clergy, a family member, or a friend that you both are comfortable with and can trust.
If all fails, ask yourself if you really want to be married to someone who holds a grudge for days and who doesn't speak to you. Take a deep look at your relationship before your marriage with your blinders off. Were there really and honestly no signs of this behavior before you said "I do?" Temperment is something we are born with and that most basic response is not going to suddenly change just because of a wedding.
Agreed! First, make sure you're making time for him and showing him he's important, and ASK him what his expectations are. If he wasn't doing this before, then he must have been expecting that you'd act differently once married (which is silly). Make it clear that you're not a different person as a married woman, and find out what he was/is expecting. Once you each see where the other is coming from, you can go from there....hopefully to a counselor. Best of luck to you two! Don't give up, dear.
I see alot of people have thrown your husband under the bus, and you really didn't give enough details for anyone to know what is going on so they could give accurate advice.
You've been married almost 2 months, and he is upset that you are going out/staying out too late without him. What we need to know is how often this happens, and how late you are staying out and whether you are staying past an agreed upon time and whether you have both agreed that you could go out until this certain time. It could be that he is controlling, but it could also be that you are newlyweds and you are spending 3 or more nights a week out, without him, and he would really just like some time with you. If you are leaving your new husband home alone a few nights a week, and he is showing some unhappiness at that, then I can totally understand that, especially if you are staying out late. Perhaps he had a little different views on marriage than you did.
I don't know if you lived together before you got married, but honestly things change when you start living together. No matter what you think, the truth is, living together is way different. There are different expectations. Maybe going out late all the time was normal for you, but maybe he married you so he could spend more time with you, and you are making that harder by staying out late all the time. Maybe he is thinking that you have responsibilities at home as his wife, and you are not willing to face them and would rather spend time with friends and family than with him.
Either way, there is a serious communication problem here. You need to find out what he is thinking and try to compromise to find a solution that makes you BOTH happy, not just you.
My point here is, you are BARELY MARRIED and this is a problem? It's clear that it is either happening a LOT, and you really need to look at some things and decide what is more important to you-spending every night with family/friends, or being happy in your marriage or it has happened twice and he is over-reacting. Whatever is happening, we who are replying to your post really don't know, because you didn't give us enough information. If you were looking for self-justification, I think you got plenty of it, but you need to sit back and look at the situation and what is REALLY happening and fix it. The way my husband and I look at our marriage is we completely focus on making the other person happy. We don't worry about making our own selves happy, because in a marriage, if you are spending all your time making the other happy, you will both be happy. If my husband is feeling unhappy, he will do something especially nice for me, and I reciprocate. And we talk about it. Always always keep an open channel of communication. You get from a marriage what you put into it. The more you give, the more you get.
No matter what, he should not run from the problem. He should sit down and talk it out with you. People have their own ways of dealing with problems, but in a marriage, you don't deal with it separately. You do it together.
I think you both have some things to work on. Spending time apart is healthy, but too much time apart can obviously cause problems. Instead of talking to us about it, you need to go talk to your husband.
Again, you have been married less than 2 months. Now is the time to work it out.
Personally I can't believe that you wouldn't want to spend time with your husband even if it does involve sitting on the couch at home with him. I like to go out too, but I would definitely rather be with my husband, especially if going out too often makes him uncomfortable. If you don't figure it all out now, it will only get worse.