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My mother is driving me nuts.
Hi ladies. I'm new here. I'm having serious drama with my mother and I can't talk to many people about it. I'm hoping I can get some input. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
Ever since I was little, my parents haven't gotten along. They stopped sleeping in the same room when I was 12, but they haven't separated. This has caused many issues for my little (15 y/o) brother and I. 3 years ago, mom, dad, and brother moved away to a smaller town 3 hours away (I still live in the big city), soon after I got married and moved out. Ever since, all of my mom's issues have completely exploded and she has become a maniac. She started coming to the city every other week just to go out with girlfriends. I gave her sh!t about leaving my dad and brother so often but she said word for word: "It's only 2 people that I'm hurting". I've been living with my inlaws for these past 3 years as well. My mother does not respect anyone's privacy. She has shown up multiple times to my house unannounced and when I'm not there. She is a fitness instructor and wears clothes that would be slutty for a 20 year old, imagine a 50 year old. So of course I am embarrassed that my inlaws see her like this and pissed that she has no respect for my privacy. No one can stand her, all she does it talk about how she is such a victim of everyone.
She just told me a month ago that she is filing for divorce (woohoo!). I think divorce is the only way for her, my father, my brother, and I to have any peace in our lives. I think it should have happened decades ago but better late than never. The problem is that she started the process a year and a half ago and just told me a month ago. But I can get over that, I just want it to be done already.
Anyways, the main idea is that since I moved out, my relationship with my father has improved dramatically and the relationship with my mother has progressively gotten worse. My entire life, my mom played my dad out to be the villain, it's like she never wanted me to have a relationship with him. Since I moved out, I've gotten to know my dad and he is honestly the most genuine person I know. I've never seen someone so happy for and proud of someone as he is for me. My mom is obviously very upset about this, which is just another reason our relationship has gone to sh!t. My mom seems to be jealous of me too. For example, she always asks me how much my watch, car, shoes, etc. cost. DH and I just bought our first house very recently, and when I told my dad he almost cried of joy. When I told my mom she asked me (in order): where is it? how many bedrooms? how much did it cost?
There are so many reasons why our relationship is in shambles, but she says that it is only because I am choosing my dad over her and how could I after everything he has put her through. She goes to the extent of shoving everything she has ever done for me in my face (to the extent of "I breast-fed you!"). She is a compulsive liar and extremely manipulating. She has even managed to turn my grandparents, who I adore, against me, which hurts me more than anything. My grandmother has very advanced cancer and might not make it another year. I think it is extremely selfish of my mother to stress my grandparents out during this time with drama between us, especially when it is all based on lies. I don't want to cause any stress to my grandparents so I don't even bother defending myself to them.
I'm just looking for advice b/c I don't know how to deal with her. She just won't leave me alone (calls, texts, emails). I haven't even given her my new address b/c I don't want her stalking me. She won't stop lying, even when I prove her wrong. She is completely delusional. I just want peace in my life.
Re: My mother is driving me nuts.
I definitely think I am at this point. There are just 2 issues: 1) I really don't want to hurt my grandparents, and I know it will devastate them. 2) My mother literally will not let me cut her out. The times that I've tried to ignore her, she calls, texts, and emails incessantly. She even shows up at my house and starts knocking on the door.
Yes, every single time. She says that we are family and that rule doesn't apply.
She then invites herself over instead. She will say things like "I can come over at like 7pm." Obviously I try to get out of it but she backs me up into a corner every time.
Thanks for sympathizing. My grandparents have been hearing her lies and been a victim to her manipulation for years. Plus she is their daughter so they are going to defend her, and I understand that. I just wish she wouldn't turn them against me.
You know, they DID bear and raise her. They're probably nuts, too, and you just haven't noticed because your mom's insanity eclipses everyone else's.
Some of what I say is going to be easier said than done, I realize that. But a few things that came to mind as I read this post, and especially the parts I quoted below.
Before I get to that, I"m going to throw in that maybe you should see a counselor. someone to help you deal w/ your issues w/ your mom and to help you find ways to deal w/ her. That being said....
If your'e grandparents hate you, why do you think cutting her out will devastate them? And even if it does - really, for YOUR own health, I dont' think you can run your life based on your grandparents feelings.Second, she can't "not let you" cut her out. You TRY to ignore her calls? There is no "try". Either you do or you don't, and clearly you don't. She calls/emails/ texts enough, you break down and give in. So - all she's learning is "push long and hard enough, and she'll give in".
This isn't about her "letting you". You really need to realize this.
This goes to the same thing as above - how does she back you into a corner? You say "Sorry, that doesn't work for me". Whatever she says/does in response, 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me". What "corner" is she backing you into?She shows up? DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR. Let her knock and knock and knock. Heck, call the cops for trespassing if she won't go away!
The simple issue here is that you give in. She manipulates you just as much as she manipulates everyone else. She has no reason to stop because you're REALLY not making a stand.
Which is why I think counseling might help you. you need an uninvolved 3rd party to help you out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have a random thought. Change your phone number, change your email, and since you're living with your in laws... I believe they can get an order to keep her off their property. She's trespassing, pure and simple.
I know you don't want to cut your family out, but if all they're doing is causing you pain, then it's time.
I guess I just don't understand why you are prioritzing your mother's feelings and your grandparents feelings over everyone else's. I can't imagine how terrible, uncomfortable and awkward your poor ILs must feel everytime she stays at their home. How does that make your husband feel too ? I mean your grandparents cut you out of their life and pretty much raised your mom to behave like this, why do their feelings mean so much more to you than other people who truly love, respect and care about you.
ECB is right, you have taught her that if she pushes you hard enough, you bend over backwards to make her happy. Get call block on your phone, block her email and don't open the damn door when she comes over. She will be mad and furious and talk about you to your grandparents, but again why do their feelings and their opinion of you matter so much more than your ILs and your husband? That part I just don't understand.
All this. Don't answer her calls, no matter how many times she calls. Block her number. Change your number. Don't answer the door. Whatever it takes.
Thanks ladies. I really appreciate this advice. I am completely aware that I have allowed her to get away with this. It's my own issues too - I have a hard time telling someone NO when they are in my face/ear saying that they've sacrificed their entire life for me and I am just ungrateful.
The are several reasons why I don't want to hurt my grandparents. I love them dearly and I've always been very close with them. I grew up with them always around. They have so much love for each other and I admire that (50 years married). And of course, my grandmother's illness is a big part of it as well. They haven't completely cut me out. They just don't call me anymore, but when I call them they aren't necessarily mean. They just sometimes bring up why I treat my mom like crap and they defend her.
Just don't get into it w/ them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If they bring up your mom, you could say, "Sorry, grandma/pa, but I'm not discussing my relationship with my mother with you." Then, if they persist, you can hang up.
You don't treat your mom like crap. She treats you terribly. If your grandparents can't see that, then they have their own issues.
i think you need to get into some counseling stat to learn to set some boundaries with her. she may very well have a mental illness, the manipulating and lying, turning family against one another, are classic borderline personality disorder. look it up, i bet she meets most of the criteria.
you need to cut her out until she learns to treat you with respect and to honor the boundaries you set. change your number, don't answer your door, call the cops if she gets belligerent. have a relationship with other family members on your OWN terms.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
vmjp,
I can appreciate how you're feeling a great deal because I, too, have a mother that is emotionally manipulative. I don't care what anyone on this board says, it can be extremely difficult to completely extricate yourself from someone who is emotionally manipulative, ESPECIALLY a parent, and ESPECIALLY if it's been a lifelong pattern of theirs. Perhaps intellectually, you know that you need to "cut" this woman off in order to protect your sanity and sustain a sense of normalcy (whatever that means to you). Emotionally, it's very hard to do. You may find yourself establishing boundaries with your mom (or so you think), but somehow, before you realize it, you've been once again sucked into a fog of manipulative behavior. This is your mother for pete's sake. Mother-child relationships are very complex. With exception of extreme cases, who doesn't want their mother's unconditional love, support, understanding, encouragement, etc.? And when a parent is incapable of showing that, you experience a loss, even when you stop expecting it and start taking control of your own happiness.
As someone else suggested, finding a therapist or counselor to help you work through the situation with your mother may be very helpful in getting you to the point where you can establish, and consistently reinforce clear boundaries with your mother sans any feelings of doubt, guilt, or regret. If your mother has been this way most of your life, this pattern of engaging with each other has been learned over time, and learned behavior may be hard to undo. So be kind to yourself, and don't let anyone else beat you up about it either. Anyone who's experienced similar relationships know how much of a struggle it is. Good luck to you.
Thank you! I really appreciate your kind words and it's nice to know someone else knows how I feel. You hit the nail on the head - I know what I need to do but it's very hard to do it and I always wind up getting sucked back in. I will look into some counseling and hopefully that will help a bit.
Wow. Your mother sounds like a real jewel.
I would definitely cut her out of my life...You will NEVER have peace with her around.