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Sigh - lying question
I caught Will in a really stupid lie tonight and I'm so disappointed. Up until tonight I hadn't caught him lying in years. He has always been super honest even when the stakes are high and he wouldn't otherwise get caught.
I had a long talk with him about credibility, but I'm afraid this is the start of a horrible trend.
So, does anyone have any advice? Did you lie to your parents a lot growing up? If not, why not? If so, why?
Parenting a pre-teen is stressful.
Updated to add: In case anyone's curious, the lie was really really stupid. He was up past his bedtime and I asked him to go take a shower and get ready for bed. He was wearing basketball shorts (no zippers or buttons, just elastic) which is pretty normal for him in the evenings. Fifteen minutes later, he came out still wearing the same thing and had not showered. I asked him what happened and he said the zipper on his pants had got stuck. Apparently he actually just sat down and read for 15 minutes instead. This is pretty typical for him and usually he owns up to reading instead of showering. For some reason today he tried a (really stupid) lie instead.
I think my talk got through to him, because he was pretty upset tonight and needed lots of reassuring. Hopefully he'll go back to being my super honest good kid.
William born 7/12/2000
Andrew born 10/30/2011 (9lb 4oz at 37 weeks)
Re: Sigh - lying question
I'm not going to lie (pun intended!), but I lied to my parents about little things all the time. From early on in school until the point where they just stopped asking and figured I'd do the right, important things on my own.
'Did you have any homework?' 'I did it on the bus.' (actually, I didn't do it, but I knew I could get it done in the 5 minutes before class started.)
'What movie are you going to see?' '*Insert Disney movie title here*' (actually, I would go see those PG-13 movies that are oh so horrible for a 15 year old to watch)
'Do you drink?' 'No!' (actually, I did.)
I was never irresponsible, though, and was never in trouble or anything in school, so the stuff I lied about never seemed like a big deal in my eyes. It wasn't like I was skipping school or sneaking out of the house after curfew. I don't think I would have felt the need to lie if my parents weren't so strict (I'm sure all kids say this), but it's a good lesson to learn for the future. Hopefully I'll encourage my kids to be more open with me, and I'll try not to be too judgmental or strict with them, but I'm sure this is something all parents go through.
This was ALWAYS what I said growing up. We try really hard to be super easy going and honest with Will. Sometimes it's even painful to be so honest because I end up explaining things I'd rather not explain to a kid his age - but I'd rather he hear it from us than at school. Hopefully this will pay off and he'll be a good kid who can trust us.
William born 7/12/2000
Andrew born 10/30/2011 (9lb 4oz at 37 weeks)
I believe that you are doing the exact right thing. Of course, we always have visions of grandeur of how things are going to be, but there can only be good when you're respectful and honest with your kids.
My absolute favorite parent (other than mine) is a single mom that raised 3 kids to respect her to an Nth degree, be responsible for themselves and their belongings, respect adult things, and they have an impeccably close relationship. Obviously, that's not an every day situation, but I sure as hell will strive for it. Keep at it, I'm sure Will loves you for it now, and will really appreciate it when he gets older (if he doesn't already).
I was too much of a goody2shoes to lie (except for 'yep I did all of my HW'). My mom was super honest with me, sometimes too honest I think, but I always felt able to tell her things.
Did he say why he made up this story instead of just telling you the truth? This paired with him not telling you about the tooth makes me wonder (since this isn't a typical behavior for Will.)
Could he feel like you are so busy with the baby that you wouldn't notice? or maybe seeing if you would?
I haven't had many 'older' kids at work dealing with babies, most of them are under 5, but they tend to revert to a younger maturity for a while.
I'm sure this is just a phase, and he might not be able to pin-point the 'why' right now. But I don't see it becoming a major problem.
she added it to the original post
we seem to be the only ones on tonight!
Ahhh, thanks.
Obviously, this is a small lie. But it's probably more effective to try to teach lessons in small areas than during major crises. So good for you for handling it that way.
FWIW, I absolutely hated showering in middle school. I have no idea why, and it squicks me out to think about it now, but it is what it is. kids going through puberty make no sense. And H has told me about how he would go in the bathroom, turn on the shower, and just sit on the toilet with the lid down for 5 minutes or so to simulate him taking a shower. He said he was definitely the smelly kid in school until someone got to him and enlightened him to the error of his ways. It's weird the things that trigger kids to start taking care of their personal needs.
Godalmighty, just thinking about middle school and puberty gives me the willies. I wouldn't go back to that time for one hundred million dollars. Fvck that sh!t. There is no worse hell on earth than middle school.
I definitely think the baby has something to do with it - he's needed a lot more time with us than normal.
He said he lied about it because he didn't want to get in trouble for reading ("trouble" to him is me shaking my head at him in disapproval). He had kind of a crappy day today already (with a lot of lecturing about another poor choice he made and did fess up to) and I think he just didn't want to hear another lecture from Mom.
William born 7/12/2000
Andrew born 10/30/2011 (9lb 4oz at 37 weeks)
He sounds like me when I used to get caught reading hours after bedtime using the hall light coming through the crack of my door. You've got a good one on your hands. But good ones need tough loving too!
Honestly, Will has always sounded like a great kid. I'm sure he'd be flattered to find out that internet strangers are very impressed by him.
Good God, me too! I keep telling him that it gets better. Fortunately, he claims that he couldn't give two sh!ts what the other kids think about him. He has a couple of really nice boys that he hangs out with and plays geeky games. I hope he'll somehow bypass the most hellish parts of growing up.
William born 7/12/2000
Andrew born 10/30/2011 (9lb 4oz at 37 weeks)
Hah! I better make sure he doesn't find out - he's already got a big head!
William born 7/12/2000
Andrew born 10/30/2011 (9lb 4oz at 37 weeks)
I lied to my parents all the time, about big and little stuff. I also say it was because they had unrealistic boundaries (I wasn't allowed to hold hands until I was 17, COME ON) and so I then went overboard with no boundaries. Combine that with some traumatizing events during high school, and it's a miracle I turned out alright.
You went about the discussion afterwards the right way, IMO. Good job, momma!!! Will is a great kid.
I didn't lie to my parents as a kid mostly because I was a terrible liar that got caught the few times I tried and my parents knew exactly how to punish me for maximum impact. I'm also a huge people pleaser and couldn't handle their disappointment if I did something they didn't like.
I don't really have any advice, but I do think you handled it really well. It seems like you are doing a good job of showing how valuable honesty is and Will is a smart kid. I'm sure he won't make it a habit. He could have been having an off day yesterday.
the wedding | the blog
Developmentally, it's expected that at this age he'd test out lying to see how it works and if he can get away with it. I would say it's pretty good that he's only using minor lies and feels pretty guilty about it. Most do it as a way of finding their independence and distancing parents from them, which is what the whole teenage years are about.
I definitely told my parents lies as a teen like not telling them where I was really going (out with a boyfriend). It was never anything too serious, I wasn't drinking or anything else my parents would worry about, I just wanted to distance them from all the happenings in my life. I didn't want them to know I had a boyfriend because then they would ask about it and get involved so it was easier to tell them I was with a friend.
You just put into one sentence what I have been trying to figure out for years. That's the exact reason for my lying, too. I just didn't feel like they needed to be all up in my business like they were used to.
As a mother who has raised two girls to adulthood and is watching my stepsons be raised horribly, I think you're doing okay. That was a little lie and not too much to worry about. The one thing I will say you all must do is set the boundaries, let your kids know the consequences of crossing the boundary, and then implement those consequences if the line is crossed. It's their job to find the boundaries and there must be some. Never ever give a punishment you're not willing to carry through with.
Teenagers are really horrible creatures to deal with if they have been allowed to get their way all their lives.