Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband only wants sex once a month-help!!
I am new to the message board world and I am hesitant to even
post this but I have NO idea how to fix my current problem in my
marriage. I have read SO many articles about scheduling sex, and being
more confident in myself, and trying new things, etc. I have tried it ALL
and NOTHING can get my man in the sack. I have to practically BEG for it
and I feel so pathetic. Our relationship started about 11 years ago and
we are high school sweethearts. We were head over heels for each other
when we met. Our sex life started strong to where we couldn't stay away
from each other. He was so affectionate is what I remember most. I
was on birth control for about 9 of these past 11 years and I hit my worst the
last two years I was on it. I didn't want to have sex anymore. I
pushed him away constantly and I kept telling him I felt so out of control and
I didn't know why I was all of a sudden uninterested in him. It hurt our
relationship a lot. So I decided to take my chances and go off birth
control. My libido returned almost instantly. We were having sex
almost 3 times a week. That lasted for about six months and then it went
downhill again. But this time it was not because of me. My husband
all of a sudden had no interest in it. After talking to him I realized he
was overly sensitive when using a condom. I have NEVER heard of this
problem before. We never used condoms while I was on birth control.
And now using them messed everything up. He became self conscious and I
had to remind him that it did not matter for me to orgasm as long as we were
connecting intimately in some way. My husband nowadays is not big on
affection. Only seldom will he randomly give me a big hug. I have
to always ask to have sex now and like I said -I have tried EVERYTHING. I
don't know what is going on. I know he is not cheating on me for
sure. He complains about being too tired but I don't buy that because he
is NEVER in the mood anymore at any time of the day. I'm worried because
guys are constantly flirting with me at work and while I am out shopping.
I can't help but wonder why he doesn't appreciate what he has. I
appreciate him-that's why I want to jump his bones 24/7!!! I am so good
to him and I never ask for anything-well, except sex now. I think I try
to be seductive and sexy-never had a problem with that. I am always up
for trying something new in the sack as well. What am I doing wrong and
why does my husband not want to have sex with me but once a month? I
can't figure this out. How do men go for an entire month without having
sex?! Are there any men out there that have this same problem? All
I think and dream about is having sex with him 24/7. I feel like I am the
man and he's the woman(as far as libidos go). I need help please!!
Re: Husband only wants sex once a month-help!!
Hmmm...Sounds like some counseling is needed.
Until then, you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about the way you are feeling. You two MUST communicate in order for compromise to take place.
GL.
Ditto the above. YOu need to sit him down and talk to him.
He isn't a mind reader.
Passion waxes and wanes; after 11 years together, I'd say once or twice a week would be great.
You have needs and even though you are together 11 years doesn't mean you should settle for living like roommates.
He needs to get a complete checkup to rule out physical problems that are causing zero libido: thyroid, testosterone deficiency are 2 of them.
If there is nothing organically and physically wrong, he needs to start anteing up with you int he bedroom -- as I always say, he owes it to you as your husband.
One caveat, though...i don't want to be the harbinger of bad news but it very well could be that your relationship with him has run its course. Very sad, but it happens.
If he still has no interest in meeting you at least halfway and you get the same ole story from him, you decide what you want to do. It's either an open marriage with his permission or you cut your losses and go. As I said, it very well could be that the relationship is over. gl.
I also think you need to talk to him and lay it out like you did for us. It seems as if this has been a problem between the two of you for awhile and he may just feel like nothing has worked so maybe he is giving up all together (lots of times men do this rather than trying to find another solution).
Let things happen naturally and stop putting so much pressure on the sex part of things. Try to connect as a couple as you guys did all of those years ago and the sex should happen naturally.
If things don't improve suggest that the two of you go TOGETHER to some counseling or a DR to find a solution.
Cycle 1 - 13 BFN
Cycle 14 Surgery complete!
I also think it's a mistake telling him that it's not important for you to have an orgasm. Of course it's important.
I hope the answer isn't that this relationship has simply run its course.
What's not normal is that you are not satisfied.
Some couples are fine with once a month. THere are even couples who have no sex...if both of them like that type of arrangement, then it is satisfactory to the both of them.
He needs another talk and stat.
Lay it on the line. You tell him "Honey, we need to work on our sex life. I think you're hot and I want more sex...how can we solve this problem together?"
Maybe you are right --- he's not keen on starting a family at this time and this is why there's such a disparity with your sex life. If he does not want to start a family now he should tell you and not hesitate to do so.
You also need to know what kind of timeline he's looking at as far as starting a family goes.
If he has changed his mind and does not want kids, he needs to let you know. he can't leave you hanging on this -- you can either be okay with his decision or you can decide where you want to go from there.
In the meanwhile, to get your "kid fix", do something to help other kids. I am sure a church/house of worship group needs adult volunteers to help kids and tweens and their programs (if you're religious, look into this with your clergyperson/parochial home school association).
Groups for kids always need: coaches, mentors, leaders, teachers, volunteers of all kinds.
There is also the Big Sister program; that's tried and true. Girls without mothers need a mother figure and a mentor and somebody to look up to.:)