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Feeling Socially Excluded by SILs - help!
Hi Everyone
I would really appreciate your advice on how I am feeling after spending a week?s holiday with my inlaws, in particular my sister-in-laws.
The background is: my husband, his 2 brothers, sister, mother, father, me and all the ?other-halves? spent an all expenses paid weeks holiday in Mexico. This family holiday was to celebrate my mother in law?s milestone birthday. All of the siblings, wives and girlfriend (including my husband and I) are close in age (late twenties) and we have all known each other for at least 4 years. I was really looking forward to the event, in particular spending this time with my husband?s family. This would be the first time to spend this much time together (all other times have been 2-3 days around Christmas etc).
My initial excitement for the holiday turned to me feeling lonely and sad. This is because while on holiday it felt as though my sister-in-law (husband?s blood sister) was intentionally excluding me from conversations between her and my other sister-in-law (married into the family) and also the girlfriend of one of the brothers. For example, before we would head out to dinner, I would pop round to my sister-in-law?s to say hi and found that the other two girls were already in the room and they were all talking, laughing or sharing a joke. I would ask what was funny, with a smile and I would receive an answer, although I was not made to feel included/welcome (e.g. ?oh hey ? come in! We?re just laughing about xyz?). At dinner or during car trips I found that the three girls would rush to sit together and there would not be a seat nor room made for me. This continued all week.
So, here a week?s holiday has gone by and we are all back home now. Instead of feeling like we all bonded I feel pretty sad. There were no underlying arguments before or during this holiday or me to pinpoint a reason to why I would be excluded. In the past there have been occasions where I have felt like my sister-in-laws do not make the effort for me (for example none of my sister-in-laws came to my staggette), but in other areas of my life I have many friends, am well liked and so I did not feel so excluded until this week.
I feel pretty sad. To make matters worse, my husband got mad at me the day we returned and out of anger said: ?I don?t even like you and did not want to spend the week in Mexico with you!? This has made me feel awful and even more self conscious of this week we spent away - even though he made this comment out of anger only.
I would appreciate any thoughts/advice?writing this out has made me feel better I must say!
Thanks.
Re: Feeling Socially Excluded by SILs - help!
Hi thanks for your reply. What does DH stand for? I'm presuming it refers to my husband? :-) Yes it is true that we are having problems but as far as i know these have not been communicated to the rest of the family. Thinking that maybe he has makes me feel horrible.
DH means dear husband or darling husband. I usually just write H for husband.
I can see why you are bummed out at what your H said to you. That was pretty mean. I know some people say mean things in anger but that was hurtful.
Also, I know that feeling when you don't really understand why you are being excluded, and the exclusion is so subtle you question your own feelings. It sounds like these women are acting in a very high school clique way.
They seem to like each other more than they like you (harsh I know but that is how it seems) and you do seem to be the odd one out. Although it sounds like they are fairly friendly and polite, just not quite treating you as in the "inner circle".
I think the best route is to be friendly and fun, and try not to take any of it personally. That is good on two levels--you'll come off well to your SILs and they may come to feel more comfortable with you and the whole situation will change, but either way, it just won't bother you as much even if it doesn't change.
The other ladies may simply have had more time to spend with each other, thus being closer due to exposure.
The big thing that stood out to me was your husband's statement... "I don't even like you" ???
I can't even imagine how that made you feel. The biggest problem here is not the SILs, it is your relationship with your husband. Counseling, if you can. Do you want to spend your life with a man who will tell you he doesn't even like you? It may have been out of anger, but it sounds like there are issues brewing.
Please put the in law situation on hold until you can get to the bottom of what is going on with your marriage. A husband that says he doesn't even like you, and did not want you to come, is a much bigger issue than his family.
This!
Your H told you he hated you and didnt want to spend time with you and you blew if off, but you are worried about where 3 girls sit in a van? Focus!!!
Holy shizz... If my husband EVER said that to me, he'd be out the door. That's truly horrific.
I think you have bigger fish to fry here.
why did your husband say that?
I'd be more concerned with that.
i can't imagine ever hearing those words from my DH, no matter the circumstances or magnitude of the fight. or saying them to him.
i have to echo the others. if you've known these girls (at least most of them) for four years and gotten along in the past, it makes me wonder if they're responding to problems between you and DH, either due to intuition or to a direct comment on his part.
but even if that's not the case, i think you're focused on the wrong problem. even if he only said that in the heat of the moment, he crossed a line. you guys at the very least need to have a conversation about how to argue without willingly inflicting pain.
Your H said, ?I don?t even like you and did not want to spend the week in Mexico with you!? and you're worried about your SILs liking you?! I can't imagine a scenario in which my H would ever say anything like this. Even if he was mad at me. At the very least initiate a conversation about that. Good luck.
I get the feeling hurt by your SILs excluding you. I'd feel hurt too. However there are more pressing issues at this point in time.
A rerun from The Best of Kuus:
"My house is on fire. How do I get the post office to hold my mail?"
i wouldn't worry about the SILs too much. i am wondering if you made any attempt to include them with you? as in inviting them to sit with you or go get a drink or something? the way you wrote it seems like you were trying to tag along a lot.
your dh is a jerk for saying that-in anger or not. if he really didnt' mean it (and you actually beleived that) why would you even bother mentioning it here? i dont believe him or you re: his comment.
Sorry, but in your case, DH stands for D!ckwad Husband. Or Douche Husband. Or Disaster Husband. I could go on....
He said he doesn't even like you? If my husband ever said that to me, there'd be hell to pay. I'm guessing he has communicated some less than flattering opinions of you to his extended family. Maybe he said something to his mom or sister, who then shares it with everyone else, etc. But, you need to confront him and ask if he has said negative things about you to anyone in his family. You also need to address the bigger issue about whether or not he wants to be married to you. I can't imagine someone saying that to a spouse they wanted to be married to.
The SIL thing should only become a focus once your marriage is in a better place. It would be pointless to make friends with women that you will not remain friends with if your marriage ends.
However, I'm going to pretend for a second that you weren't having issues with your husband. You said yourself that your only real contact with them to date has been short bursts around the holidays. Have you tried emailing them? Calling them? Or some other form of communication on your own? My SIL and I all email each other regularly and call each other once in a while. In fact, we all talk more often than the brothers (our husbands). But, if there was someone in the family who didn't email, or didn't really make the effort, she would naturally be sort of excluded. Not because we didn't like her or anything, but just because she wasn't putting forth the effort and we're not as close. So, I would have advised you to start making the effort to communicate with them. If you still get a cold shoulder, then you have your answer, but I'm guessing if you become friends with them apart from family, that would translate well when you do get together.
They may not have been having the great bonding time you imagine. It's easy to see some people together, feel excluded and assume they are having a great time. Plus, it's pretty pathetic that they kept circling among each other and didn't bother to reach out to you. Mean girls, much? It doesn't mean one of them didn't feel werid, too.
It might be nothing or you might have been more tense and weird than you thought. The little comment about your DH does seem a little glosses over.
Sorry your expectations were so high and you got disappointed. Now you know. Don't invest in them. Be poite but enjoy your other friends.
Yeah, my ex said that to me once or twice. Um yeah, it didn't end well. He left me for his coworker. Who apparently he DOES like and want to be around.
ETA: changed to DOES/present tense
Ahem.
confused about words
Hi Everyone
My husband often says very hurtful things to me. For example he has told me I am "useless" and that "he has to get everything done", or that "he does not like me" or "wishes we never got married!" etc. I have asked him not to say these hurtful things. He usually says these things out of anger and when we are fighting - I don't think he realizes how hurtful they are too me and continues to do it (even though I have told him this). How can I get him to stop saying these things? It is driving me over the edge.
Advice please!
You are worried about the bathtub leaking, while your entire roof just blew off in the thunderstorm.
OP you seem quick to brush off your DH's words as things he said in anger. He may have been angry when he said them, but you're still left with 1) he also meant it or 2) he didn't mean it, but was purposefully trying to say the most cruel thing he could instead of sticking to the topic of whatever you were fighting about.
Why are you so quick to brush it off?
This.
Now in regards to your DH...Um...RED FLAG!
He speaks that way to you? I don't care that he was angry...Certain things you just don't say to your wife especially when he knew how you were feeling.
Seems like you have bigger problems.
GL.
WHOA!
I didn't even see this until now...
Ok...At this point you shouldn't be asking for advice-YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING AS FAR AS YOU CAN FROM THIS DOUCHE BAG!!
All of this! DH and I have both been seeing-red-want-to-punch-something mad at each other and have never said anything like this "in anger". Anger is a convenient but lousy excuse for verbal abuse. Forget the SILs, take care of the real issue.