Trouble in Paradise
cmeinla
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Late Last Night/Early Morning DD? (includes OP)
12-11-2011 at 12:12 AM
 lnmills
 Joined on 05-16-2010
21 Points
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DH and alcoholI NEVER post my marital
problems; however, I'm desperately needing some advice. My DH is in the
military and has lived the bachelor lifestyle for many years before we
got married (married for 6 months..dated for 2 1/2 years). He would go
out often because we were long distance. I'm not a huge drinker, nor do I
care to spend lots of nights at the bar. When my DH gets really drunk,
he says very hurtful things. Last time it was the worst. He screamed at
me. He said he hated me. He hated being married to me. Then he proceeded
to punch a hole in the wall and break hangers and throw them across the
room. The next morning he said he didn't mean anything he said, and he
was totally embarrassed by his actions. He said he was done drinking
because he knew he wasn't acting right when he got drunk. (We've had
many problems like this when he gets drunk. He's lied to me saying he
was hanging out watching sports and he's really been at a strip club.
He's also stayed out all night and did not call or let me know anything.
I didn't hear from him until noon the next day.) The very next weekend
he was drinking with his family. I come home from work today, and he's
drinking with a friend and now they're out at bar. The other guys are
not married..only him. I am so tired of dealing with this! He knows I
have a problem with it. I feel like our interests are different and
we're growing apart. I don't have trust issues. I just simply hate
dealing with him when he gets drunk. Divorce really scares me, but am I
supposed to live this way? Any words of wisdom?
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Re: Late Last Night/Early Morning DD? (includes OP)
to which i responded:
No you're not supposed to live this way. No one is. He is continually choosing alcohol over you. Why would you want to stay with someone who chooses anything over you?
If he was really repentant over the hanger breaking incident he wouldn't be out drinking today.
I would move out immediately if I were you, even if you're still in love with him, and tell him his only hope of saving your marriage, if he even wants to, is he has to join AA, and be willing to commit to couples counseling. Either you or your marriage won't survive if he doesn't. A marriage can't work if it's not an equal partnership.For the OP:
Let's see:
1.) A drinking problem
2.) Damaging property and verbal abuse
3.) Being a lying liar who lies out of his lie-hole constantly
How do you not have trust issues? It seems like you SHOULD have trust issues. This man is openly being a dyck on a regular basis. Marriage counseling and lots of it, honey. That is IF you want to save the marriage and work forward. Personally, I would say cut your losses and divorce this loser as quickly as possible.
My commentary:
I will never understand how people can list all these negative traits about their spouse. You know, detailing abuse and such and then in the same breath say, "we have no trust issues and he's a really great guy-- its just X, Y, Z". Yeah no. Its not just X, Y, Z (when he drinks, does drugs, BREATHES). These are flaws.
No one is perfect for sure, but they don't do this kind of shyt in a healthy relationship with someone they love & want to be with. End of story.
I guess OP didnt really want help...since you know they had no trust issues. Im sure all is wonderful now and it was just a misunderstanding.
That or H made her delete it!
Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship, physical or verbal, and marriage/couple counseling FIX the problem? Does it boil down to lack of effective communication or a desperate need to control?
Ditto this!
I dont understand women like this either.
He will NOT magically change!
No. I just figured that, it might make it easier to realize this is not a salvageable situation, since HE is the problem, it might make it easier for her to let go.
And if he really was sorry for his drinking yes, he'd have gone to AA first thing in the morning. Meetings are held at all hours.
the booze or her and I guarantee you he picks the booze.
I was asking sort of generally - for this post and for my own personal curiosity. I wonder if things would have worked out between my ex and I had we tried counseling. I am much happier now and would not give it up, but sometimes reading these posts make me think back to my previous relationship and a good friend of mine. I just wonder if counseling can really fix things or if someone is "too far gone." - - it's irrelevant either way.
Research is mixed on whether counseling or intervention can "cure" an abuser. Often times spouse abusers are sent to "anger management" classes to learn how to control their anger, and channel their emotions in a more appropriate manner. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't.
It's my opinion, though, that you can't "fix" a relationship built on abuse.
Even if you and your ex had gone through counseling, and even if he had never abused you again, I don't think that you could have ever lived a healthy, fulfilling relationship with him. Those memories of abuse were always going to be there. He is always going to remember how easy it was to control you via abuse. And even if you had gotten past the actual abuse, I can't imagine that the threat of it wouldn't always be there. Further, I think you'd always be questioning the safety of your marriage.
And that's my answer IF your H had agreed to counseling, and IF he was one of the few people that counseling "worked" for. Does that make sense?
Remember - abuse isn't about an inability to control emotions. It is about being able to control another person, be in charge of all situations at all times. Anger management might teach a person to channel their emotion in a different way, but it doesn't (IMHO) keep that person from needing to be in charge/control of all things.
You could not have done anything to change your abusive ex. You couldn't have wished him into being a different person, forced him into being a different person, or counseled him into being a different person. He is who he is, and you will be way better off in the long run that he's not your problem.
*I hope I'm not making too many assumptions about you here. I just wanted you to know that it's ok to wonder about the past, but I don't want you to dwell on it. I really don't think you could have done anything to change this person.
Oh I don't dwell on it believe me. If anything I dwell on how great I have it with my H. I am so grateful that I listened to my gut and refused to marry my ex or buy a house etc (the things he wanted to do). I just sometimes think about it - an event or a post brings up a memory.
The need to control can, over A LONG TIME in serious therapy, with someone *very* committed to it, be reduced and the person can learn strategies to avoid acting on this impulse when they do feel it.
HOWEVER, that does not mean I'm saying abusers can always be rehabilitated and that counseling can fix these relationships. In fact, the work needs to be done entirely by the abuser and can only be done if he/she is committed to making serious, long-lasting changes in his/her life.