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Very ashamed...kind of long.
I don't even know where to start with this so bear with me if it's a little disjointed and scattered. I'm so ashamed of my behavior and I almost lost my boyfriend because of it.
We had an argument the other day about his friends that are female. He is true to me and has never cheated, but I feel very threatened by the idea that he has a few close friends that are girls. I know that is my issue because he doesn't have any problems with the fact that I have quite a few male friends that are platonic. Well, we were discussing the issue that I give him a hard time about talking to his friends, and I do, but I've been making a conscious effort to correct it because I do trust him, I've just had issues with being cheated on in the past and I'm having some trouble working through some problems. Well, something clicked in my brain as I am being wrong, and I couldn't stop crying.
Well, yesterday I was on the phone with my one girlfriend who is more like my sister, and I was venting a little about how I felt about BF and I arguing and how I know that it's an issue I really need to work on in therapy, but I need a new therapist. Well, BF heard me on the phone and misheard some of the conversation and thought I was talking bad about him and he confronted me. So we started arguing. He was very loud, not yelling at me though, about the issue and kept talking and talking about it and I couldn't handle it, so I went to take a shower to get away from him for a bit. Mid shower, I could hear him still talking to me loudly, and he walks into the bathroom and he throws open the shower curtain and something inside of me snapped. I had flashbacks of my STBXH getting violent and cornering me against the wall and the loudness made me cringe and I started hitting BF. He scared me, which is understandable that I freaked out, but I didn't stop there. I got out of the shower and chased him through the house, punching him as many times as I could. He never lifted a finger to me, but he pushed me off of him with his arm so he could get away and hit my face causing it to bruise. He didn't mean to do it on purpose. He was just trying to get away from me. I also took a kitchen knife and cut my arm, up and down 7 times, because I wanted to feel something.
Well after we calmed down a few hours later we discussed everything and I tried to explain what had happened. It's almost like I had a PTSD flashback or something and that was not me who did that. It wasn't me. I am so freaked out and ashamed and disgusted with myself that I did that to him. He told me that he will stay with me as long as I up my therapy and go to anger management classes. He said he will give me one more chance and he forgives me but will never forget it.
I called a few therapists today because my current one is not working out. He and I do not click and I need someone new. I'm trying to make an appointment as soon as possible to work this out.
It's bizarre because I asked my friend who has a master's degree in psychology if all of a sudden you could go into a mode where you remember everything you've been pushing away. He told me that it's actually quite common and it's triggered by something either stressful or tramatic. Well I must have been pushing a lot aside because I remembered the abuse my STBXH gave me, I remembered being sexually abused by my brother, and just a lot that has been pushed aside. I have had self-damaging issues in the past with bulemia and cutting and I'm shocked that I even did that again. I'm so ashamed and angry and confused. I feel horrible that I took it out on BF because he didn't deserve that.
We talked it out, and he understands where I'm coming from to an extent but he made me promise to get help and I need to. I love him so much and I feel so bad about what I did. I am scared.
Is there anything else I should do besides seeing a therapist ASAP? I know I am aware of the situation and I won't let it happen again, but I need help.
Thank you for listening. I'm so messed up right now and I'm afraid it wasn't a one time deal. I'm afraid it will continue if I don't get the help I need.
Re: Very ashamed...kind of long.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. While I am not certain that your BF is abusive to the extent of your X, obviously something is not right. Why would he throw back the curtain while you were in the shower like that and raise his voice to you? That isn't healthy in itself.
It's also extremely unhealthy howyou reacted. You need additional therapy ASAP and I don't think you're ready to be a relationship with anyone. Honestly, I think you need to be alone to work through all of these things. Even if you didn't have these issues, your BF's reactions are raising huge red flags.
All of this.
You tried to remove yourself from the situation because you needed to calm down, this was a good thing to do, and he followed you into the bathroom and opened the shower curtain!? I would feel threatend in that moment too!
Your reaction was unhealthy, because you took it so far, but I am not surprised you were scared in that particular moment.
Get help for yourself.
Yes, it was uncalled for on his behalf, but I understand why he did it. He wanted to talk about it, thought I was avoiding the situation, and in reality he didn't realize that I would have talked about it after my shower. We were both wrong and we apologized to each other. We very rarely argue. In 5 months, we've fought twice with this time being considered once. We normally are very content with each other and calm. I don't know what happened.
I have to say that I put myself into your shoes as far as him snapping open the shower curtain like he did, and even as someone who has never experienced abuse, I felt threatened. Your reaction may have been extreme and definitely warrants further therapy (which you have already acknowledged), but him following you when you were trying to get space from the argument doesn't speak well for his communication skills either.
I agree with the pp's who said that this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. There are a lot of thing that you wrote that sound unhealthy.
First, why would a man who knows that you have a history of abuse sneak up on you in the shower, snap back the curtain and raise his voice? Did you tell him you needed some time to cool down?
Maybe you have only fought or argued 2x in 5 months, but that doesn't sound healthy either--do you not argue because you're afraid to voice your opinion to him? XH and I rarely fought because I was too afraid to stand up to him. Every relationship has some conflict. Maybe you don't "fight" all the time, but this certainly can't be only the second disagreement that you've had. How does he or you react/communicate during disagreements that aren't this heated?
Obviously therapy is necessary ASAP. Honestly, if I were your BF I would run away from you--anyone who is going to support you after you beat him up and then cut yourself is barking up the wrong tree. Who was it who said that he didn't want to be part of a club that would allow people like him as members? You're in a bad state right now, the fact that he's sticking around when you're so unstable makes me question if he cares about you or knows that you're vulnerable...
What bothers me more than anything about your post is how you justify your BF's reactions and are blaming yourself for everything. I'm not saying that your reaction was ok AT ALL but you have the right to ask for space and receive it. That's not unreasonable to take space away from someone until you have calmed down. Plus, the entire reason why you needed to get space was because he was so upset.
Even if you've rarely fought in five months, sometimes it takes awhile for someone's true colors to come out. I think this is a huge red flag with your BF and if I were you I'd examine it.
I still stand by my original advice that you need therapy and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. ESPECIALLY because you cannot see tha this behavior was not ok.
I'm glad you've acknowledged that you need therapy. The aftereffects of your abusive marriage, as well as other events in your past, need to be dealt with now, and intensely.
Until you have healed from these things, you have no business whatsoever being in a relationship. It's just adding to the emotional weight you're dragging around. You will not be in a healthy relationship until you have completed therapy - that could be years from now. Stop trying to Band-Aid your abusive marriage with another relationship, especially considering you aren't even divorced yet. Just don't do that yourself. You have got to find some strength and promise yourself that the self-mutilation stops now, whether that's in the form of a knife on the arm or yet another unhealthy relationship. Focus on a healthy relationship with you. It's seriously the best one you will ever have.
Building on what Kuus said, it's also troubling that you feel the need to change how you think/feel about something in order to fit this guy into your life. You should have the wherewithall to look at something like this as a dealbreaker and move on. The fact that you cannot backs up my assertion that you are not ready for a relationship. A lot of the women on this board tried the square-peg-into-round-hole approach with their XHs, and, well, that doesn't work out too well.
It sounds like you have had a very traumatic life...but i do urge along with others for you to be on your own for a while whether this man is good or not.
When we are in an unhealthy state of mind or vulnerable we tend to attract people that arent right for us (because you arent you right now since you are recovering, hurt and scared). You really need to come to a place of complete forgiveness and confidence in yourself before you can even think about adding anything else emotional into the mix. I highly recommend a book called "in the meantime"--It does focus on what you do in between relationships, but i liked it more for the self empowering message. It really helped me get back to a healthy state of mind on top of a good therapist.
here is the link if you want to read more about it: http://www.amazon.com/Meantime-Finding-Yourself-Love-Want/dp/0684841363
I love that book. Great recommendation!
This. My bf is good friends still with his first girlfriend (girlfriend from college). They drifted apart and reunited over facebook a few years ago, tried dating about 6 months before he and I got together and it didn't work -- they are too different, and it never will work between them. I know this, but them hanging out alone still makes me uncomfortable because I was cheated on multiple times by my exh. I know over time I won't care at all, but it is just a new thing for me and I need to ease into this. BF knows this and respects this. He asked me to join them last time they had lunch so I could meet her. She frended me on facebook after that and sent me a really nice note about how good it is to see bf so happy, and invited us to come stay the weekend with her in the town she lives in (about 2 hours from us). They have both know my history (she also went through a divorce and we chatted about it over lunch a little) and are taking steps to ensure that I am comfortable with their friendship. Because they respect my feelings and that I have a past that left me a little traumatized about male/female friendships -- a lot of my exh's verbal abuse centered around his inappropriate friendships with other women.
If the man respects you and loves you, he will respect your "baggage" and help you work through it. Not get into a screaming match with you about it.
I agree with the posters who said this relationship sounds unhealthy. You need to work on you before you have a serious relationship.
This. My bf is good friends still with his first girlfriend (girlfriend from college). They drifted apart and reunited over facebook a few years ago, tried dating about 6 months before he and I got together and it didn't work -- they are too different, and it never will work between them. I know this, but them hanging out alone still makes me uncomfortable because I was cheated on multiple times by my exh. I know over time I won't care at all, but it is just a new thing for me and I need to ease into this. BF knows this and respects this. He asked me to join them last time they had lunch so I could meet her. She frended me on facebook after that and sent me a really nice note about how good it is to see bf so happy, and invited us to come stay the weekend with her in the town she lives in (about 2 hours from us). They have both know my history (she also went through a divorce and we chatted about it over lunch a little) and are taking steps to ensure that I am comfortable with their friendship. Because they respect my feelings and that I have a past that left me a little traumatized about male/female friendships -- a lot of my exh's verbal abuse centered around his inappropriate friendships with other women.
If the man respects you and loves you, he will respect your "baggage" and help you work through it. Not get into a screaming match with you about it.
I agree with the posters who said this relationship sounds unhealthy. You need to work on you before you have a serious relationship.
I agree with the PPs that you should walk away and work on yourself for a while. In your previous posts you mentioned you have co-dependency issues and with this new turn of events, I think it would benefit you greatly to get out of this relationship.
Even if this is only the 2nd fight you've had, both of you reacted so extreme that something isn't right in this relationship. Especially for only dating for 5 months. It doesn't matter if this is your only your 2nd fight or your 22nd fight. What happened is not ok. I can't imagine something like this situation happening when I was dating my STBXH after only 5 months.If some guy i barely knew approached me like that in the shower I would never see him again.
Please listen to what we're all telling you, It's going to be really hard to work on yourself while you're still dating.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
I really don't think you're being honest about what is going on here. Your post sounds a lot like you are justifying and making excuses. You were complaining to a friend on the phone about fights with your Bf. which, goes against your claim here that you have rarely fought in five months. It also, in my opinion, is somewhat a betrayal of trust. The issues you have as a couple should be somewhat private, if the relationship is truly normal, and need to be worked out between the two of you. Once you open that up to what everyone else thinks you muddy the water and to some degree violate privacy. It's fine to say we fight about x y and z and I think I need to work on how I communicate my needs. It's another to "vent" about the other person or your issues.
The fact that his female friendships make you uncomfortable is also a red flag. Either you need to do personal work on being more confident and secure or the relationships are somewhat inappropriate. Neither bodes well for a healthy relationship.
Then there is the shower/assault issue. Either he approached you in a threatening manner or you got frustrated and resorted to physical violence as a way to express yourself. Of course your history played a part in it, it sounds like you have been victimized in the past and of you don't feel you're making progress those issues will continue to pop up. This does not make you a bad person at all. But I really think you're doing yourself a disservice of you start to think of this incident as purely the result of your past and not at all a reflection on your current relationship. There are some serious issues here, this is not all your fault, but you're not going to be able to move forward and feel good about yourself until you're really honest about what's going in so you can learn from it. Basically I agree with the others that this is not a healthy relationship: the fact that he did not hit you back and may be a good guy in other ways doesn't mean your life goals, communication styles, etc match. I would definitely get a new therapist ASAP and if you're living together would look into finding my own place while I reassess the relationship.
I think you're on the right track with finding a different therapist.
As someone who has been through a few things, myself, I can tell you that pushing things aside simply doesn't work. I know you think your BF is a good guy, and maybe he is, but it sounds like you really need to nurture yourself right now, and this relationship isn't doing that.
My first boyfriend would force himself on me often, despite my protests and even tears sometimes. He was abusive in other ways as well, and I completely blocked him from my memory for several years after we broke up, until maybe 3 or 4 years ago. I would get these vivid flashbacks and panic attacks, often during sex (with my "loving" long term bf and then h).
The point is, despite my best efforts to cover it up and move on, nothing started to get better until I acknowledged what happened, and acknowledged the things in my past that led me to self-destructive behavior. It's going to be a lot of really hard work, and for me, I continue to go forward and move back daily, but your life and happiness are worth it. Just be aware, it might be painful, and you might have to lose this guy along the way. Good luck, and be good to yourself!