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MIL vs. StepMIL - Help! Rant...
I NEED to vent about the ridiculous situation that exists in our lives between my MIL & stepMIL. If any one out there can relate and has some advice I'd greatly appreciate it! Everyone has inlaws, not everyone has step in laws that are just as close as the inlaws....
So,
DH's parents are both remarried, 13 years and 11 years. Both sides of his step family are close, intertwined, integral parts of his life, and now mine. Also, they are ALL great people, and we love them with all our hearts. However, like all relationships there are problems. And it is very hard being the monkey in the middle, trying to juggle everyone, making sure to share our time equally (absolutly impossible btw...) and show that both sides are important to us and loved (also pretty darn difficult).
The biggest problem is dealing with the MIL & stepMIL, and their constant battle for rank of importance on the ladder of our married life. I HAVE HAD IT! We got married this past January. I thought dealing with keeping each side happy and feeling important for that was hard - it was only the begining!!! Our life is one big tug of war between his mom & step mom, and I've about had it.
Did we notice how my side of the family hasn't even come into play? Thank God I have 2 civily divorced parents who can be invited to the same birthday party or holiday. But even that is getting messy.... My dad is now dating stepMIL's friend (who I adore), and now MIL is jealous because my dad hangs out with StepMIL & DILmore than her & stepDIL. YEAH.
The straw that broke the camels back was this weekend, trying to plan Christmas morning. DH's step sister & new beau are sleeping over MIL & stepDIL's house X-Mas Eve, and want to have a family X-Mas morning with us there for presents. StepMIL INSISTS that we ALWAYS go to their house FIRST for breakfast and presents, and how come we have to change plans and break tradition this year? (shes obviously forgetting that last year they spent x-mas morning across the country with DH's 1/2 sisters on his dad's side and their kids...) I QUOTE "Why is MIL's Christmas morning more important than mine? This has been our tradition for 16 years and I am very hurt and offended that you are not coming over here first".
(At this point I would like to point out the fact that two 30 year old, child-less married adults are getting up at 5:30am on Christmas morning to open presents together - for their first married Christmas - in order to see DH's mom/family & dad/step mom BOTH on Christmas morning before 10am - AND THEIR STIL NOT HAPPY!)
Thats what everything is about with them. Who's FIRST Which one is MORE IMPORTANT. Which one is loved THE MOST. Who spends the most time with MY SIDE of the family. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!! These women's lack of self worth is doing some serious damange to their relationships with both DH and myself. They have ablsolutly no respect for the situation we are placed in - BY THEM - and refuse to ignore how hard we try to be balanced and equal with our time & energy between all sides. Most aggravating is the fact that we do not need to try and balance our love, BECAUSE WE HONESTLY LOVE THEM BOTH WITH ALL OUR HEARTS. But because they are too worried about being FIRST, or BETTER - they can't even see that.
The events where one side of them is hurt and offended and one of us is getting an email telling us so, are becoming more frequent and elaborate. They obviously can't stand eachother, harbor INTENSE negative feelings for the one another, making the very idea of having them both at the same events uncomfortable. So for now we are still trying to keep things "separate but equal", but we all know that 2 sides which are kept separate, never feel equal. It blows.
I fear the day when we have kids....
Re: MIL vs. StepMIL - Help! Rant...
Sorry you are in a rough spot.
They need to call a truce when it comes to you and your H and what they're doing is also pretty childish, not to mention hurtful and stressful.
No way a third party can sit them down and talk sense into their heads? Some kind of "rock bottom" moment is needed so that both of them will stop the animosity and games.
Aw, hell no!
You and your husband have Christmas breakfast at YOUR house, just the two of you. Make plans to visit the rest of the family at other times, on other days, if necessary. Stop sharing your MIL plans with SMIL and vice versa. If they ask you about it, your husband needs to tell them, "We've made plans that work for us. If you make an issue out of it, it's not enjoyable for anyone and we will leave."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hi, I'm a lurker but I've had to deal with this. H and I were in a similar situation, but with kids, when we were first married. We decided that from 8pm Christmas eve until 10am Christmas morning was our time. No one comes to our house and we go to no other house.
If I were you, I'd tell everyone to either knock of the BS or spend the entire holiday with out us. There is no reason for grown adults to act the way they are acting.
As soon as the 2 of stop playing the game with them it will end.
There is a very simple solution, but youve got to make sure they understand and that you will not let them manipulate you.
You can't plan your (& H's) holidays around making other people happy. If your MIL is "hurt and offended" that you don't spend Christmas morning with her - that's on her. You and H are not doing anything hurtful. You're choosing to spend your holiday a certain way. Your MIL can CHOOSE to understand, or CHOOSE to be offended. Is it NORMAL for a mother to wish all of her kids and stepkids spent a cozy Christmas morning together? Sure! But it's also reasonable to assume that the cozy family gtg is not going to happen every year.
Also, so what if stepsis wants you to be there Christmas morning? She's not a six year old; you don't have to revolve Christmas around her wishes.
If it's what you want, I would (have DH) call MIL and tell her that the two of you are starting a new Christmas tradition - - breakfast with just the two of you, no parents until 11 am. And tell her if she complains, she will be moved out of the Christmas rotation and not see you until 2012.
Ditto stepMIL!
They only play the game because you two are willing to act as the prizes.
Stop.Playing.
Stay.Home.
First I must say, you and your H are CRAZY if you actually get up at 5:30 and make it to both their houses by 10 to appease them. You and H need to decide what you want your plan to be and H needs to tell them what YOUR plans are. I deal with this as well, though its not quite as bad as you have it. My parents are divorced and my mom is very "concerned" about what stepmom gets over her. We dont entertain her tantrums.
Xmas eve is spent with my dad. Xmas am we deal with similar thing where both mom want us for early morning present time as if we are little kids. H and I's rule- we dont go anywhere before 10/11am. We alternate our mothers and neither of them likes it but we ignore their whining and show up when its convenient for us. Last year was MIL's early time so this year its my moms turn. Our plans are to be there at 11. H told MIL this and she ignored it saying be over at 8am. Well thats not happening so we just wont show. We will go to her house after my moms and if they arent home from the uncles party by then, we will go to the uncles instead and give them their presents there. If we got an attitude (from either mother) when we arrived, we'd leave.
I think a similar compromise could work for you. Neither of you get us early am - we will be at first house at X time and second house at X time. Next year we can swap if you want the first slot. They will continue to throw tantrums as long as you give in to them. Stop giving in to them.
Make the plans that work for YOU. Don't offer any explanations beyond "this is what works for us. If it doesn't work for you, then unfortunately we won't be able to see you on Christmas this year."
Well we are kinda in the same boat. Kinda. We don't spend the holidays with my ILs but when we do go out to visit them, there is a tug of war between who we spend our time with. At first we tried to make everyone happy, but we realized we weren't making anyone happy and we hated being treated like a commodity. No matter how much time we spent with one side of the family, it was never enough.
WIth the help of the wise ladies here on the Nest, we finally got our act together. Last time we went out there we made our little family the biggest priority. We did what we wanted to do. If we saw one side of the family, we didn't divulge the details to other side. We were just vague. If one side asked what were were doing on a certain day, my husband simply said " We have plans." Now his sister kept asking and asking for specifics and my husband one time made the mistake of telling her. She then got upset and said " I can't believe you would rather do that than spend time with your family." Never again will he give out specifics. He learned that lesson the hard way.
One day they wanted us to go with them to his cousin's graduation party. My husband wished his cousin well, but said we had plans on that day. His mom and sister were very very upset that we didn't change our plans and go to the graduation party. When I mean upset, I am talking outright sobbing upset. They were going on and on about all the people that were looking forward to seeing us and how disappointed everyone was going to be. My husband just knew they were being a bit ridiculous. They weren't there to see us, they were there to see his cousin. We didn't even know about the party until we went out there and simply already made plans for that day and no we couldn't change them. The key was... we were ok with them being upset with us and yes my husband was ok with them crying. We didn't waiver, not one bit. My husband and I put our little family first. We made our schedule first and did what WE wanted first. THAT CAME FIRST. Everyone else would just have to work with our schedule. If we weren't able to do something together, oh well.
Remember this is your holiday too and you guys are more than just puppets for others to enjoy the holidays. If you don't want to spend your time driving all over town and if you don't want to be guilt tripped for every decision you make, then don't. You have the control here. If someone tries to give you a hard time, You shut them down. Tell them that the more they try to undermine your decisions, the less time you will want to spend time with them. They won't like it but it is much much better than the alternative.
My life got a lot easier when I stopped trying to fill the bottomless pit of need for the mothers on both sides.
And they really thought that they were showing their love by their gult trips and steal-like grip.
Learn to say "no, thanks". It's amazing that the earth doesn't stop on its axis and swallow you whole like they predict.
You wouldn't have to fear the day when you have kids if you stopped it now. There is no reason you keep going along with this madness. Once you realize it can ONLY be ended by you not going along with it the sooner they will realize they have to accept that two 30 year old, childless married adults made a decision on their Christmas. If you really have HAD IT then be done with it.
Separate but equal is not realistic. Get your DH on board to tell them ENOUGH. Sooner the better. Start this Christmas.
Three words- Just Do You!!
You guys just need to do what you two really want to. Go to one family for x-mas eve, then go home to your own bed. Sleep in till 9 and exchange special gifts between the two of you in the morning. Then go to the other family for the afternoon/ x-mas dinner. Stay strong and don't let them suck you guys into their twisted competitions.
This is great advice! You guys are a married couple - it is your first Christmas together. Screw everyone else and spend that quality first Christmas time in your house
What H and I did last year for our 1st Christmas (since we're gone pretty much most of the day) was wait until we got home that night to open our presents. That way it's just us, no time frame and it's OUR Christmas with no distractions.
We liked doing that. We're going to do it again this year.
I agree with the others. You have to stop playing the game.
Stay home for Christmas and see neither family before 10 a.m. And make sure that if anyone complains, the other family gets first priority the next holiday.
They really only have the power that you and your DH are giving them.
It honestly looks to me like it's time for tough love. My question to you is, what do YOU and your H want to do? Honestly, it's not about the MILs and the rest of the family, it's about you guys. Sure there are holiday "obligations" and expectations, but the point of the holiday is meant to be family time (as I understand it; I'm Jewish and don't celebrate) and I think that right now, putting up your boundaries and limits will serve you well, both in terms of when you have children and also in terms of how they treat you overall.
Your job in life is NOT to make others happy. It's to make yourselves happy and to take care of each other. If you leave all these events and parties with a feeling of misery and anger, does it really accomplish anything positive? I don't think so. So what's the point?
To me, it seems clear that you really need to set firm limits about what and when. Don't ask them what they want or what they expect, tell them that there are other people involved and that you are going to do XYZ and that's that - sit down with your H and create a schedule, based on the events you know are taking place, and stick to it. And let them know that if anyone starts whining or moaning, you're simply going to leave. And then follow up with that and go take in a movie.
We alternate, one year my family, one year DH's.
On the year it's DH we also alternate for the divorced parents, one year his mom gets us Christmas Eve/morning and his dad Christmas afternoon/evening. The next year is my family. His next year we flip it.
If either of them bothered complaining that they didn't like it I'd offer to just not see them at all.
Since no one will be happy, I'd stay home and you two can be happy together. Unplug the phones too.
Thank you all so much, it's so nice to get so much feedback!
(I changed my account name, lol)
I am currently in the middle of typing up a game plan for how we are handling all holidays and future events to share with H. We had a good talk (aka vent session) last night about this topic and we agree that this is completly out of control. I told him how I want to put our 2 person family first from now on, and no more Christmases starting before sunrise!
I'm sure I'll be back with more topics in the future, this was my first time posting and you all were SO helpful!
Thanks ladies