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My in-law just dont get it...
Hello! I am new to the nest but was on the knot for a while. DH and I have been married almost 6months now and could not be happier!
The issue we are having is with his family, not just my MIL/FIL but aunts & grandparets...essentially the entire family. Since DH and I got engaged(over 2 years ago), they have been constantly asking about us having children. It is not an occasional inquiry about when, but every time we see them they ask and hint that they wanted us to have children yesterday! We have consistantly been telling them we are not READY and we are not sure if we DO want children but they just dont get it! It has only gotten worse since we tied the knot.
On thanksgiving his grandmother informed us she was dissapointed she was not purchasing babydolls to wrap for christmas becaue she was hoping to have a great-grand daughter by now.....His aunt then chimmed in that our children would never need for anything because they would give us everything. Yes, it is great IF we decide to have children that they would be supportive and helpful. The problem being we do not even know if we WANT to have children. Obviously accidents happen but we do not PLAN on it anytime soon, if ever.
I am simply tired of having to repeat ourselves every time we see them. DH has repeatedly told them we are not sure if we want children, has even resorted to telling them we are NOT going to have children EVER just to get them to back off. It has not worked!!
Any advice one how to calm their baby fever down!?
Re: My in-law just dont get it...
i'd tell them that you guys are going to start adding 3 months to a pontential TTC calendar everytime someone else brings up the topic. then when someone does ask, you could tell them they've just pushed the date back further.
or, you could just tell them that you guys have had this conversation for the last time, and from now on when someone brings it up, you won't be answering questions / will leave / whatever you want to make the consequence.
my route would depend on family dynamic.
Stop giving them any excuses or reasons.
I would start telling them "This topic isn't open for discussion. Please stop asking.".
If they don't, if you're prepared, you can then move to "if you keep asking, we will leave/ not come over" - but you ahve to actually DO this! leave or be scarce for awhile.
Some people may have better comebacks than I, but if they REALLY keep pushing, you can also respond w/ some pretty blunt responses. While they aren't really asking about your sex life, you can respond w/ something like "why are you so interested in our sex life?". But this is something I personally would save for the last resort - if they just really will NOT back off.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would flat-out ignore them.
Or, if it's really gotten unbearable, your husband can say, "We're tired of having this discussion. Stop with the baby talk NOW, or we're going to have to stop coming here." If they won't quit, then your H should get up, take you by the hand and go home without a word, and not come back until they can promise to knock it off (and follow through with that promise).
I don't think it's something worthy of cutting them out of your lives, but I can appreciate why it's annoying. It sounds like they're not being mean or nasty or abusive about it, so I would just ignore the question entirely and change the subject. Or just walk away.
My great aunt asked me in the middle of my wedding reception when my husband and I plan to have kids. Frankly, I was kind of shocked she managed to wait a whole two hours. It's just the "next thing." When/if you pop out a kid, they'll be asking when you're having another.
Just tell them that it's not up for discussion, and change the subject. Lather, rinse, repeat. Or hand them a wishlist for a needy child, and say, "we'd hate for your generosity to go to waste because of us!" That'll shut them up really quickly.
Answer them with a question...a personal question. I don't know the dynamic of DH's family but if they aren't very conservative, ask them about their sex lives or how much money they make at their jobs, etc. When they give you an uncomfortable, awkward-moment expression, then you say, "Well, you asked me/DH a personal question - so I just assumed I/we were allowed to ask you one."
I think this is perfect. A "so are you guys practicing safe sex these days" will surely shut them up.
And FYI- pregnancy accidents dont happen if you dont want them to.
We had this same problem with my inlaws and their extended family. We're struggling with TTC and the constant badgering gets DH and I both kind of upset (we realize it isn't malicious and is meant with the very best of intentions but it certainly zings a bit when you want nothing more than to be a parent and can't be for reasons unknown at this point).
DH had a heart to heart with his parents about backing off which FIL promptly ignored. DH had another, more stern, conversation that basically said "This is none of your business and if you enjoy spending time with us, you'll stop bugging us about it because the next time you make this a topic of conversation, it will be the END of the conversation". They've been blissfully silent on the subject ever since and have spread the word to said extended family members that we're done discussing it.
If it gets brought up again, my two responses are, "The timing of us having a child isn't in our hands" or "Ya know, I never understood why people think that it is any of their business to inquire about our sex life" and walk away - depending on the audience. I try to be respectful of his grandparents. The rest, I have no problem shocking them into submission.
DH has tried the "the more you ask, the longer we will wait" thing, they just dont get the hint. They now literally wait til we are saying our goodbyes/walking out the door to bring up the topic because I started to simply stop talking to them each time they asked. I believe we will have to try a more aggressive approach. I am leaning towards, If you cannot stop bringing this topic up we will simply have to stop coming over because it makes us uncomfortable idea. We will have to see how Christmas goes and if the topic is brought up AGAIN!
I understand why they are so "baby baby baby" minded, he and his brother are the only "children" on this branch of the family so they havent had any around for a while but it does not give them the room to nag us to no end. DH has even said, if you want us to have a baby so bad are you going to pay for everything? that shut them up til the next time!
It honestly makes me dread going to his family's house for the holidays! It is rubbing ny nerves raw because i feel it is simply NONE of anyones business if we choose to have children or not! We are simply being honest with ourselves with the fact that we are not ready for the sacrifices and changes to our lifestyle that children bring and it seems as though they cannot respect that. Good thing it is driving DH almost as crazy or else I would be the "bad guy"
Quit explaining your reasons etc. They don't care. Just tell them "THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED". Then, don't discuss it. Say "the subject is closed". Over adn over and over. And over. As often as it is brought up. And if it is so often as to be offensive, get up and leave whenever it's brought up. Do.Not.Discuss.
Giving them reasons, answers, timelines etc just tells them loud and clear that you believe this IS their business, and that it IS open for discussion. Because you will discuss it, whenever it's brought up. Stop discussing it.
Not that I would remotely recommend this, but my aunt and uncle went through the same thing when they got married (this was years ago). She told me that the pressure got so bad, that finally, they just lied and said they were not able to have children.....that stopped everyone from asking the same thing repeatedly being that it had become such a sensitive subject
Oh yea, they do have a son now.....it was a 'miracle' (not really, but the rest of the family thinks it was....hehe)
Either way - not saying you should use this same tactic, but hmmmm.....perhaps if all else fails - last resort type of thing and all......that's really annoying that you even have to deal with that. Good luck!
You say, "I only discuss my uterus with my husband and my doctor."
It seems like you've tried all of the standard responses. How about, "Why do you value these children who don't exist and may never exist more than your son/grandson who is standing right in front of you? You're damaging our relationship by asking these questions, but apparently these imaginary babies are more important to you. That's really sad."
If they do this every time, and if they now do it at the end of your visit - the next tactic may very well be to just not go over. If you REALLY want to make a point - don't go to Christmas. And be very clear as to why you aren't going.
I realize that would probably be difficult for you all - but if you want to make a point, that might be a way to do it....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
On the bright side, at least they love you and are dying for you two to have children rather than the opposite. But I can see how it would get old fast if you aren't ready to even think about adding to your new family.
Next time someone says something, respectfully tell them that you two aren't even thinking about that step yet and you're glad they're excited but you'd really appreciate it if they would stop asking. These people may not have any idea how they're making you feel if you're just smiling in response.
My family was very similar (but not as bad) to your ILs. I told them our plan: to wait 4-5 years (we're at 2.5 years) and that it won't change no matter how many times they ask. They backed off when I reminded them of my medical issues that make it hard to have kids. I guess I made them feel bad. Oh well. no skin off my nose.
The PP have given you lots of good advice.
Bottom line is, the question will NEVER go away!
I say, get used to it or begin telling them that you two just aren't ready (considering thats the reason you all haven't started).