Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Has anyone here took a break?
Has anyone taken a break from their spouse?
I'm feeling quite dizzy with emotion here - feel my heartbeat through my whole body.
I don't want to go into detail about anything, but I'm just wondering if its normal to want to take a break from your husband? How do you do so when you have small children?
I am so burnt out with life right now. The roof has a major leak, I'm still trying to process my grandmothers passing, the holidays are here...I'm just...ready to check out. The only thing that seems to alleviate my mental state is alcohol (and I am not even a drinker). At the same time, DH is going through crap with his work...and at the end of the day all we want to do is snap at eachother.
I'm not happy with the state of our marriage right now, but nothing is seeming to work...and it seems that its only getting worse (communication, etc.). We don't fight/bicker in front of our LO, and we show love kindness and respect with the LO is around - however come naptime/bedtime...its like WWII. We are sensitive and when a little thing is wrong...we both snap.
I love my husband, but I don't like him very much right now.
Re: Has anyone here took a break?
This is pretty normal, especially when there is a young child.
It seems to me like you'd like a break from life and from responsibility. But, you can't realistically take a break from your house, or your job, or the grief over your grandmother, or the holidays, or your child....so you're fixating on your spouse as something you can take a break from, especially since he's been adding to your stress instead of alleviating it. (And he probably feels the same way, which explains why you're snapping at each other). You guys need to step back and realize you're on the same team, and you should be tackling the problems you're facing together.
I think you should probably find a way to take a small break. Do you have someone who can take care of the child overnight? Can you leave your child with your husband for a night and stay in a hotel? Sometimes, just a temporary break can work wonders.
You probably should seek some sort of counseling if you're feeling that overwhelmed though, especially since some things (like your grandmother) will take time to overcome.
You are both going through a lot. I am not sure that taking a break is the answer. It seems like it would be running away from your problems. Nothing would be solved by taking a break - you would just be alone to face them. Your grandmother won't come back, the roof won't get fixed and your child won't go to bed more easily if you take a break.
You guys both need to stop and be NICE to one another. Acknowledge that life is incredibly crappy right now. It is you guys against the world and it is time to start acting like it.
You need some counseling around your grandmother's death. Sometimes your spouse isn't the person who can give that to you. You need to NOT turn to alcohol to numb that pain as that NEVER goes anywhere good. Get a prescription for an anti-depressant if you need it. And express your grief to your spouse so that he can give you support - tell him "Today I saw XXX that reminded me of my grandmother and I felt weepy." Then ask him for a hug - a concrete thing he can do for you to make you feel a bit better.
You need to vocalize sympathy for his work issues...as hard as it is to get outside of your pain, you have to also be able to provide emotional support for your husband (just like he has to listen while you cry about your grandmother). Try the phrases "That must have been really frustrating for you." or "Wow, that must have been hard to handle." You will see a change in him when he feels like he is really being heard.
This is the "for better or worse" part of being married. This is where you guys come together as a team, listen to each other's woes, fume at the roof and work as parents to find a sleep solution for your LO. Lots of the moms here on the Nest or the Bump can give you ideas. And I have no doubt that your stress is affecting your daughter.
When you guys are home tonight, sit down and tell him that life is just dreadful right now, but you still love him. Tell him that you are going to try to be more of a PARTNER and hope he will join you. Start setting aside a bit of time every day to vent. Set a timer - give yourself 5 minutes a day to grieve your grandmother and then give him 5 minutes to just vent about work. When each of your 5 minutes are up, stop and give each other a hug. Affirm that you guys are there for each other through thick and thin and that you will tackle the problems together. Perhaps if you can get a friend to babysit so that you guys can go out for a little grownup time - away from the house and the problems and just be a couple together.
How about some individual counseling for you to talk through your issues with a neutral third party? Maybe some marital counseling to help you communicate more effectively as well?
Honestly, my relationship is what I count on what I am stressed or going through a hard time. Sometimes communication can be very difficult in those times.
This is all really good advice. When tension is high, the littlest things can make a person snap, and it seems like you are both on the offensive right now. Your frustrations are causing you take take out anger on each other, rather than working together. Make the effort to let your husband feel heard, and tell him that you are stressed, and need his support.
All very good advice.
The part that I bolded is very true. After my grandfather passed I was "fine" for the first month and then it hit me and I was snapping at my husband out of no where all the time and he was very confused and hurt over this. (mainly because it took me a while to react to his passing). Once I started telling him how I felt it was so much better.