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Just a separation vs. a legal separation
I posted a few weeks ago about wanting to separate from H. I had my first counseling session 2 weeks ago and when I told her I was thinking of a separation, she asked if I would eventually want a divorce. I answered yes so she said it would cheaper to go right for the divorce rather than a legal separation.
Which brings me to this... I thought we could just separate, not legally, and treat it the same way, and then when one of us (most likely me) was ready to start the divorce proceedings, we would do that. So, if we are to do separate, do we have to do it legally? We can't just live in separate residences, split custody of our DDs, pay/get child support and then divorce? Will a separation not count if it's not legal?
And... my mom mentioned this the other day. She said if we aren't legally separated then we can't date other people. But if it's legal, then we can without it being an issue. Is that true?
I'm just so confused about this and want to make sure I know what I'm talking about when I bring this up to H. Thanks!
Our Angel baby, lost at 6w6d on 6/10/08
Re: Just a separation vs. a legal separation
As far as I know, in NY you need to be legally separated for a year (separation agreement, separate residences, no sex) before filing for divorce. As in many states there is a period of separation that you must legally go through before filing and getting divorced. If you think divorce is in the future, it would be best to get attys, get a separation agreement and start the process. If you have sex during that period, either of you can contest the date of the agreement and your year will toll from the date you had sex/or contested the agreement based on intercourse (not sure which date) and push back the date you're eligible for divorce.
Regardless, you'll have to wait a year before filing for divorce so you should start the process now. Your mom is right only based on what you or your h can cite as the reasons for divorce. If you date without a separation agreement he can cite adultery, and vice versa, which may affect things like spousal support. Contact a lawyer for more info about domestic relations in NY.
ETA: you can always invalidate the separation agreement if you reconcile. That's why the separation period is there, to prevent premature divorces that may eventually work out.
I think you're confusing a couple things there. There are 2 kinds of legal separation. The one Mint is talking about will end in divorce unless you both change your mind. It's part of the divorce process.
Then you have the legal separation for people who want to be legally separated but who are against divorce (usually for religious reasons). In the end, you will be legally separated but if you eventually want a divorce because you want to get married to someone new, you'll have to hire a new attorney to handle that.
Talk to an attorney and see what your options are.
Thanks so much! I guess I was a bit confused. But I think the counselor kinda confused me too. She said if I went for a legal separation, I'd have to spend X amount of dollars only to spend another X amount of dollars on a divorce. So she said I should just go for the divorce if I knew this is really what I want.
The only thing I knew about separating was from when my parents separated when I was 11. They were separated for about a year and then got back together. But I do remember my mom dating while they were apart.
I see my counselor again this Wednesday so I'm going to talk a bit more about this then. Thanks again!
Your counselor is not an attorney, do not seek legal advice from her. Consult an attorney. In NY you need to be separated for a year before filing for divorce. The rules have recently changed to allow for no fault divorce but it's still not common practice. Seriously, don't ask your therapist for advice, she's wrong about this. Consult a divorce attorney in NY. Where in NY are you? Maybe someone or myself can recommend one.
ditto consult a lawyer
but what I have been told is that "just a separation" still financially ties you two together (aka his new debts and your responsibility or he can drain the bank accounts) whereas once the legal separation is on file you are financially separated.
we separated this summer and will be legally separated in January (once the paperwork is finalized) but have to wait til the following summer (the one year rule) to divorce
I was told the only difference between legally separated and divorced is that legally separated can not remarry.
Good to know. Also good to know that financially we would still be "tied" if we were just separated rather than legally separated. He definitely makes more money than me (about 10-15k more). And my name is not on our house, but it's on the utility bills. I would want to make sure that if I move out, I have no finacial responsibilities towards the house anymore. I know a few people who recently divorced and can recommend an attorney. Thanks again!