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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
10 Things Not To Do To An Upset Child and A Couple of Things You Can Do
When children become upset - no matter the reason - it seems as if all polite adult behavior goes out the door. Suddenly, because it is a child, it's normal and accepted to be rude, rough and plain intolerant. Our children's emotional outbursts bring out our inner child and unhinge a lot of discomfort, they remind us of our powerlessness and the reactions of the adults in our lives and often create atrocious response. children are humans too, and if we want to break this vicious cycle, these are a few of the reactions we should try to repress:
- Threaten - "Santa won't come if you don't stop crying!" Not only do we devalorize our children's emotions by threatening them (see below), we also put ourselves high and mighty and make them feel little (see below) and powerless.
- Devalue their emotions - "Stop crying! Don't be like that! You're overacting!" Children's emotions are real, just as real as adult emotions, only they haven't learned to repress them yet (and let's hope they don't, for their emotional and physical benefit). Just because these raw emotions make you uncomfortable doesn't mean they are displaced. And even if you think their outburst doesn't fit the situation, try to look at it from their part, they're just tiny, so everything is huge to them.
- Punish - There are millions of reasons not to punish a child, too many to go into for the sake of this post. But when they are upset, it is as displaced as it can get.
- Mimick - How often have I seen an adult start fake crying when a child is upset. That's about as pathetic and impolite as you can get. You wouldn't do it to your best friend, would you? So why do it to a child.
- Belittle - "Stop being a baby! How old are you?"
- Walk Away - Walking away tells your child their emotions don't matter, that they annoy you, that they don't deserve your love and attention and that you are not there for them. Are these the lessons you want them to learn? A little side not, sometimes you can get so upset by the events that walking away probably is the best option. Then do so, and take the moment to analyze your feelings and why you react this way. It's better to disconnect then to physically or emotionally harm your child.
- Phase out - Acting like nothing is wrong and you don't hear or see them has the same effect as walking away. Again, however, if this is the only way you can keep from becoming abusive, it's a better option. Take a moment to evaluate this reaction later on and find a way to deal with the situation in a healthier way.
- Act irritated - Seeing our child upset is uncomfortable for the most of us, but we shouldn't make our children feel like they are a nuisance just because they have emotions. That will only teach them to push their emotions down, not to deal with them.
- Sigh - Sighing makes your child feel like a burden, like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. However, your child's emotions are not yours to fix, there is no reason to feel burdened. If you feel like sighing, take a deep breath instead, maybe invite your child to do this too. This will make both of you feel better.
- Yell - People yell when they are powerless and out of resources, if your child is emotional, chances are this will only make matter worse. Read this article about yelling to find out the many reasons why this isn't the best response to any situation and how you can counteract this. If you have to yell, don't yell at your child, but vocalize, turn it into opera if that's what helps.
Now imagine anyone doing any of these to you when you are crying because you're really hurt. Wouldn't feel good, would it?
Obviously, I wouldn't just tell you what not to do without offering you a set of alternative reactions. However, there is no quick fix (you don't even need to fix anything, emotions are human and expressing them is healthy), every child and every situation is different. You know your child best and you probably already know what not to do in certain situation.
- Get down to their level - Getting on an equal level eases the big adult small child discomfort and will make both parties feel more equal. It's also harder to be angry and punitive when you're on your knees.
- Look them in the eyes - Making eye contact can be a good way to ground yourself and to get rid of your stress. The child can connect with you and know he is loved.
- Hug them - For some children, physical contact during emotional outbursts can be hugely comforting. It is also a way to show your concern and presence. (Some children don't like to be touched, and may get even more upset by this)
- Remain present - Just being there without judgement or frantic looking for solutions lets them know that their emotions are valid and gives them the momentum to soothe themselves.
- Ask them what they would like - Maybe they are upset because of something and explaining it will help them out of this situation. Knowing they have a listening ear can often be enough.
- Sit with them - Just doing nothing might be the best approach, this way you are telling the child that you are there, and that you are not worried, and he gets to take care of his emotions on his own.
- Speak calmly - whisper even, if that's what calms you down, it will generally calm the child too.
- Hum - singing or humming will ease out the stress in you and might refocus the child's attention.
This has been taken from here - http://www.authenticparenting.info/2011/12/10-things-not-to-do-to-upset-child-and.html
I would like to hear what you opinion is on this. Please answer whether you have a child or not. If you do have a child then please state how old your child is.
(I am asking this because someone posted this on my FB wall to try and help me deal with James as he has become a bit much lately, and while I think there are elements of good advice here I don't think its a realistic article)
Re: 10 Things Not To Do To An Upset Child and A Couple of Things You Can Do
I think I generally agree with the principles here, but will admit that I don't always think clearly when DD is having a total meltdown. Happily, they don't happen much anymore now that she's 3.5, but she really went through the terrible twos in a major way, from about 21 or 22 months until about 2.5. That was the absolute lowest point in my parenting career to date. I survived through a mix of lots of coffee and really, really supportive friends since it also coincided with DH working a ton.
While it's not the respectful thing to do, sometimes walking away is the best way to prevent myself from yelling, acting irritated, etc. Is it the "correct" thing to do? Maybe not. But when my child starts to act out seemingly out of nowhere and I find it hard to remain calm and focused, I have to do what I have to do. And I have definitely uttered a stern "Mommy can't hear what you're saying when you're crying and stomping your feet instead of talking to me in a nice voice."
I also find that items 1-7 on the "do this" list are much easier to do now that DD is 3.5. Asking her "what she would like" got me nowhere when she was in the thick of the terrible twos and what she wanted was THAT TOY THAT YOU JUST TOOK OUT OF MY HAND AT THE STORE AND TOLD ME YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BUY, MEAN, MEAN, TERRIBLE MOMMY! Do not try to ask a 21-month-old child what she would like, at least not my child when she was 21 months old and having a total breakdown. I could usually tell what the cause of the breakdown was and no amount of saying "I know it's frustrating that we're not buying that, I know how much you liked that toy, I'd be upset too if I'd played with something that long and then couldn't take it out of the store, etc." got her to calm down or cease her rant. Phasing out did actually sometimes work if I couldn't remove her from the situation immediately.
I don't agree with the statement "Suddenly, because it is a child, it's normal and accepted to be rude, rough and plain intolerant." It's not because it's a child and it's not "accepted," at least that's not how I excuse the situations in which I've acted like a less than stellar parent (and FWIW, I consider myself really touchy-feely-hippie-ish when it comes to my parenting style). I think a better statement would be "Suddenly, when your child hasn't napped in several weeks and this is the third public temper tantrum this week and your babysitter just called to say she was sick when you were so looking forward to your first night out in months and you're behind on 10 projects and all you want is to take a long, hot bath and sleep for a year, you find yourself becoming rude, rough and plain intolerant."
I find DD so, so, so much easier to deal with now than she was this time last year, or, shudder, summer of over a year ago. In fact, as DH and I talk about TTC #2, I find myself being okay at the thought of sleepless newborn nights and endless nursing sessions, but I am kind of terrified of having a 2-year-old again one day.
Seriously? Unless it's my mom or sister or best friend, I'd find it pretty weird some random FB friend is trying to give me parenting advice.
I think some of the points can work, but most of the DO list doesn't work with my 3.5 year old boy. Like you, I'd end up with a bloody nose if I tried to hug him while he is having a tantrum. If he is past the anger stage and just crying then a hug usually calms him down a bit and comforts him.
I actually do 1, 2, 4, 6 from the DO list, but the tantrum still goes on. If I do 5, 7 or 8 he gets even more upset.
I am "guilty" of # 1, 6, and 7. I have found that #1 works wonders. I'm tempted to fill his Christmas stocking with rocks and mandarins as are some other parents I know.
I find this is such a rough age.
BTW I made a message from Santa from that link you posted on FB, he was on the naughty list. He promised to be good from now on. If he keeps it up for a few days, then I'll make a new message so he is on the nice list.
Oh, just re-read your post and realized a friend posted this in on your FB page. Whaaa?
I find it obnoxious to post stuff like that on people's pages. If you really feel compelled to offer advice, at the very least, take 1 or 2 tidbits and send them in a private message or through email. Or if sending the whole thing, preface it with a VERY friendly note so the recipient doesn't think you're a judgy mcjudgerson.
I think I probably posted so many paragraphs in my answer above because I was reacting to the holier-than-thou tone of the article. I would not be happy if a friend posted that on my FB page.
A friend just posted an article from Huffington Post on her page the other day after commenting on a pic I had of DD dressed up as Snow White at home on a random Tuesday. The point of the HP article was "how to talk to little girls" and it encouraged reading together more instead of focusing on pretty dresses. I had to roll my eyes at that jab, but I think some people just can't help themselves from proving how much better they are at being parents...
Upfront disclaimer: the closest thing I have to a kid is an English Setter with perfect manners (no thanks to me/us... we adopted her as an adult). So consider the source. That said...
I will say, I agree senseless screaming, idle threats (things you won't actually do) or surly mimicking (I hate that to this day-- my Mom did/does it. She's a good Mom, I love her and I've minimal emotional scaring
, but it still p!sses me off) annoy me and I'd avoid those things if we had a kid.
But the uber-rational cr@p (e.g. never raise your voice, always have a discussion and collective decision point) can, IMO, go too far the other way. I give you our cousin-- visiting w/ 2 jet lagged kids-- 4.5yrs and newly 2. She insisted on reading the kids menus even when meltdowns were imminent. I get giving them a choice, but moments from a meltdown? It was all a little too rational for my blood. Oh and the kids screamed bloody f'n murder through the meal and the fun Naples traffic home. We've collectively got a total of 13 nieces and nephews (10mos through 22yrs old), so my silly disclaimer aside, I've spent a fair amount of time around kids and can say, the uber rational thing is creepy. I wouldn't want my kid to "fear" us, but a healthy level of respect (e.g. the 'rot-row' feeling ever now and then) isn't the end of the world.
That's a lot of advice! Most of it is stuff you hear often regarding parenting, and I agree with most, but honestly, I would find it hard to follow all these rules all of the time.
The minute my kids start to embarrass me or make people uncomfortable (whether in a restaurant, at home, etc.) most of this advice goes out the window and I feel fine threatening the whole 'Santa won't come' bit, because it works for that moment and it's not going to ruin them in any way.
Sometimes the above advice does not create quick results, which is fine when you have the time to focus, but some times you just don't have that luxury.
WTF? The author has seen the above behaviour on more than one occasion? Jesus.
I have a child, he'll be 4 in April and I totally agree with this article. Matt and I do most of the things on the bottom {minus hum - weird} and hardly any of the things on the top. I have acted irritated, sighed, and have yelled before - but it doesn't happen often, and I don't think I'm a terrible parent because of it. I'm human.
This article reminds me of a combination of two of my favorite parenting books : How to Talk & Emotionally Intelligent.
I totally agree! If I ever loose it and yell at Milo, it makes everything 1000% worse. He totally freaks out and I feel horrible. I hate hearing people shout at their kids
Same here- my mother was a 'yeller' and all it did was make me think she was ugly while doing it. I do tend to talk loudly to them when they are blatantly not listening, but the few occasions when I have yelled, I felt really, really ugly....
Dup post
From the first list I do:
1. Threaten - I do tell him that Santa won't bring him any gifts
3. Punish - If he is throwing a tantrum for the sake of throwing a tantrum or just to get attention he will get warned with a time out, if he makes not attempt to ring in the time out then he will get a time out. (Yes, he screams louder for the first minute, but usually it works)
4. Mimick - its not something I normally do, but I have done it. I threw a tantrum outside of Tesco's on a particulary stressful day just to try and shock him out of a tantrum.
6. and 7. I do walk away and I do phase out/turn my back. Unless he is hurt/hungry/sick etc. I don't give tantrums attention. I remind him to use his big boy voice and then I will listen, but attention seeking tantrums get no attention.
8. Act irritated. Tantrums for no reason irritate me, especially when he is able to communicate his feelings to me. He knows how to verbalise, trust me, both the preschool and the speech therapist have commented on this.
10. Yell.
From the list of 8 I do:
1. Get down to his level
2. Look him in the eye
3. I will wait for him to calm down before hugging him or I will get hurt.
4. I will remain if the tantrum is a valid tantrum (i.e. hurt/hungry/sick, etc). If it is a tantrum for the sake of a tantrum I will get down to his level warn him and then walk away and tell him come and find me when he has calmed down)
5. We remind him to use big boy words and tell us what he wants
6. See number 4
7. I usually start off calm. That answer is depends on how long the tantrum is.
Basically I try to these, but I don't stick to them if it is just a bratty tantrum. If it is a 'valid' tantrum then its a lot easier to stick to these.
I think that would be confusing for a child. And really, all of his feelings are 'valid' - that's the whole point. If you're looking for some help, I'd check out those books I Iisted above. They've totally changed the way I think about kids and parenting.
Yes, I agree as well - BUT when William is crying because he's not got his way, and the only thing he wants is his way, no amount of sitting next to him or cuddling him will calm him down. I try to diffuse the situation, though i've never tried humming!? Sometimes, leaving him to it, with telly or his toys, is the best way - he winds himself up against me, and ignoring him and letting him calm down and distract himself, works best. I have been guilty of irritation and occasional yelling, which makes me feel instantly awful and I usually calm down immediately... My dad yelled a LOT and I remember that feeling. I actually screamed at William a few days ago. I've only screamed at him 2 times in his life and I remember both times. I still feel guilty.
I think that's called active ignoring and is very different than just turning around when your child is thowing a tantrum and walking out of the room, or pretending that you can't hear them, you know?
Thanks, but I am quite happy with the way things are going. He is going through a very clingy, talktative phase at the moment, but I have been told this is normal. Tantrums aren't too much of an issue for us anymore, he knows the difference, and he does get warnings.
We sometimes have to do this (active ignoring) but truthfully I find if I just sit next to him while he is freaking out, calmly talk to him and offer him a hug it helps. I agree with Newporter that the times I have yelled at him I have felt so bad about myself, and so ugly. I have had Finn cover his ears when I got upset and that was enough to make me realize it was actually causing him fear, and not in a good way (if there is a good way). He has also told me he doesn't like it when I yell at him, and I don't either. We also don't spank, so sometimes it is hard to effectively discipline but I just could never hit my children.
Oddly enough until recently I could sing and it would calm him down when he was freaking out. He has a 'song' that I have always sung to him with his name in it and he still asks me for it at bedtime or sometimes when he is upset.
I find the title of the article to be misleading. I think being upset and having a tantrum are different.
I treat each tantrum and child differently depending on why they are acting in the way they are acting. Two children can exhibit the same behaviour for two very different reasons. One child can show the same behavior for different reasons on different occasions so I try to figure out why they are show the behaviour THIS time before deciding what to do.
EDIT- I don't really yell. I think in 6 or so years in working with children I have yelled 3 times.
I do planned ignoring, I never give a threat I will not follow through on, I do get down on their level when they are in a getting over it phase. I talk calmly.
I do realize I do not live with these children I only see them part of the day.
Bio
I just think every child is different - some will respond to hugs, some won't when they are upset
you know your child best & what works & what doesn't
G has started throwing tantrums in the last 2 weeks and its been a huge shock for us - she's not even 18 months old yet! But she is VERY strong willed
when she's upset she'll push me away and doesn't even want me to look at her. I usually just stay nearby until she's calm and then we have a cuddle.
Look, at the end of the day, its no one's business to tell you how to deal with your kid, I think there's some good techniques in the article - but to post that on someone's fb page? not cool
What does the author mean about "many reasons not to punish" a child? I feel like she's implying there are no circumstances under which a child should be punished. That, I totally disagree with.
Is it weird that I want to give this article to H to use as a guide to dealing with me when I'm sad? Cuz he could use some work in that area
I think the article is condescending and a little over the top. I had a long response to it, but I figure I'll keep my mouth shut so as not to be the horrible non-parent who has too much to say on parenting kids. I'll come back after I have children
p.s. the person who posted it IS a parent, right?
Do you sing "Soft Kitty"? Because, if so, you are totally my new favorite.
I don't have kids, so I can't speak with authority. The list of "Do" items sound nice, and I'd like to think I could do them, but I know that in the heat of the moment, I'm probably going to do a few of the "Don't" items as well. I'm sure i'll feel bad, but it's called being human...no one is perfect.
Hahah! Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
The list of things to do sounds all warm and fuzzy, but really, aren't kids just sometimes brats? I guess I'll find our soon enough!
On a different note, what is "active ignoring"?
purr...purr...purr...No, it isn't that song, but it would be funny if it was!
Active ignoring is not rewarding bad behavior with attention. So, if a tantrum is going on you turn your back to it, pretending to be involved in something else, or walking out of the room. You don't give them any material reward or activity reward, you don't show anger, and then you give them lots of attention when the behavior stops. It is hard to do sometimes, most of the things in the bottom half of the article are, but, at least for us, they really are way more effective than the stuff in the top half.
Honestly, it all depends on why the child is crying. A temper tantrum due to not getting what she wants is NOT going to get sympathy and comfort.
Part of TTs is NOT just to get their way, but to make you as miserable as they are by not getting what they want (again not all of the time, but many times - especially when out and about).
I will walk away or phase out these attacks because anything less gives in.
But if there is a real emotional need behind the crying, then I will do some of the secondary list.
How is that different than number 6 on the top list - walking away?
I don't think it is different, they just clearly don't think it is a good idea. Maybe they assume you walk away out of anger, and active ignoring says you shouldn't.
I'm sorry, but when a child is throwing a huge temper tantrum because they couldn't get that toy they want, ignoring them is pretty much the way to go. When I worked in retail I always saw parents giving in to their children's tantrums - which is why they continued to throw tantrums anytime they wanted something. Once they realize that screaming and crying and throwing a fit isn't getting them what they want, they'll stop doing it.
What I once saw my aunt do with her son when he was screaming in a store was to take his hands in hers, look him straight in his eyes and say "You can not get a new toy every time we go to the store. If you keep behaving like this, I will take x away when we get home" She had this system so that when he really misbehaved in public she would take one of his toys away for the day. If he continued to misbehave she would take another. For every toy she took, she added a day that he couldn't have it. If he apologized afterwards she would still take the toys away but give them back the next day.
I agree that it was pretty rude of that person to FB that to you. Really, they should butt out of your parenting. I mean, if my best friend or sister was doing something I thought was really wrong, I might show them that article and just say "I am a little concerned about this, so maybe you should read this." But I would never do it over FB!
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