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The Five Love Languages and Building a Life that Reflects You
Okay, this is a random post but I have had lots of "revelations" today. Here are two that I just want to bring up to start some discussions with you all:
1. My counselor recommended I read T5 Love Languages book. I have enjoyed it immensely and I do believe a lot of the problems DH and I had were grounded in the fact that we did not speak each other's love languages. I see that so clearly. I understand that my "love tank" was on empty even though he tried and evidently loved me (I did not feel it). I am not quite sure still what his love language is but evidently I was missing the mark as well. The book makes me feel like every marital problem is solvable as long as you work on speaking your spouse's love language. So then I start to feel like a real failure because the solution seem so simple and maybe I should have done what this book says to do. Although, looking back, I did unknowingly try out all of these different love languages and DH just never seemed receptive to any of them but maybe I was just getting it wrong somehow, Anyway, the book has left me feeling like my problems were solvable if we just spoke the right languages. Do you guys feel like it is this simple? Do you think most divorces are simply a result of speaking the wrong love language?
2. And now to my next somewhat related thought. As I was beginning to think maybe DH and I's problems were simply a love language miscommunication, my friend, who I extremely respect and is close friends with DH as well, said "you know I always felt like you were cooler than what your life reflected. You built this life that just did not represent you and it just never seemed right." I should note that by cooler, he meant I am always open to anything and connect with anyone. I feel like DH and I definitely could have worked on speaking each other's love languages, but we still would never be on the same page. The life we built together just didn't reflect who either of us were or what we wanted. We were so different that all our "compromises" really led to neither of us feeling fulfilled or satisfied. I mean we could speak all sorts of love languages, but could that really solve basic incompatibility issues and inauthentic lives?
I know this post if all over the place but it's been a weird night...and I always love your guys' thoughts on random issues haha.
Re: The Five Love Languages and Building a Life that Reflects You
I don't believe that most problems are solveable. I'm glad I didn't read or have that book recommended to me because I doubt I could relate to it. XH and I didn't speak the same language, weren't from the same planet, in fact, we weren't even in the same universe as eachother.
I can identify more with your second thought. Where you're living a life that isn't your full potential, with someone that isn't right for you. I definitely was right there in my marriage and settled for someone who wasn't on the same page as me at all. I know that I was afraid of being alone so I resigned myself to marrying someone because he wanted to marry me. In hindsight I wasn't right for him (because I have goals, am a person of integrity, and believe that communication is essential in a relationship). He did not value the same things that I do.
No, definitely not. I love that you're doing some deep thinking - awesome - but I think that is a gross oversimplification. And I think you realize that in your second point...
I can say that this was true for me, though I'm not completely sure how XH felt about it. I felt like being married to him was holding me back; he didn't feel like a partner, he felt like a weight attached to my ankle. I'm not saying it was his fault - it wasn't - but I'm saying that he was so obviously the wrong person for me.
I think that book can be helpful in learning how to communicate with one another, but I don't think it can save any marriage where the couple reads it. I agree with achase.. Not every problem is fixable. I knew a lot of ours weren't & that's why I left.
Without reading the other replies, I will say that knowing your partners love language is important and it certainly helps in keeping the relationship alive and fresh.
That said, if you and your H were so different, it wasn't going to work. If you wanted more out of your life (cooler as you put it), then you can't change that.
The best you can do is recognize this when looking for potential mates in the future.
I can't agree that if you learn to speak each others languages, that you can solve all the problems that have already begun to decay your relationship. My take was that it only works when you're seeking a relationship, not when you're attempting to correct issues in an existing relationship (where both of you most likely aren't being fed) and now want to figure out how you can satisfy the other person.
I felt that book gave insight to recognizing what you need from a partner to feel full. It should help you identify when you're dating if that person is 'filling your tank' and if they are not, then it just won't work.
Same with you. If you're with a partner that fills you, you should make an effort to recognize what he needs to feel full and make certain that your natural qualities fill his tank, because if not, then eventually you will not work for him.
In this context, I do think that solving problems before them become issues will come much easier if you start a relationship feeling fed, and feeding him.
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xH and I would both say today that we were holding each other back from things we really wanted. It wasn't on purposes or done maliciously, it was just that we made these promises without fully understanding what we were actually commiting to until our life began together. Once the promises started to become realities, we realized the depth of our promises. We were left with the choice of either being the ball and chain to one another, or accepting the mistake and moving on.
While I do think the 5 Love Languages can be a helpful guide on better communication, and I definitely know that XH and I had different languages and BF and I have the same ones, it's a major oversimplification to think that all marriage problems could be solved by learning to speak each other's language. There are some problems that are not fixable - including basic incompatibility.
Which brings me to agree with your second point. My life with XH didn't represent me at all, and it wasn't sustainable for either of us. I didn't trust him or feel comfortable with him. It was just awful - all of it was awful. I was just doing what I thought I should do by getting married right out of college. I agree strongly with the ideas you stated here:
I feel like DH and I definitely could have worked on speaking each other's love languages, but we still would never be on the same page. The life we built together just didn't reflect who either of us were or what we wanted. We were so different that all our "compromises" really led to neither of us feeling fulfilled or satisfied. I mean we could speak all sorts of love languages, but could that really solve basic incompatibility issues and inauthentic lives?
I have never read this book, and I have a question: Does it recognize that not everyone gives love in the same way/s they receive it?
So maybe one person FEELS loved in A and B ways, but they GIVE love in C and D ways.
Ditto, and I'll add that I think a lot of problems (and divorces) are due to a fundamental lack of respect. I see a lot of people posting about their relationship problems on the nest, and often it seems like the poster and her partner don't even like each other, let alone love each other. People post about phenomenally selfish, assholish behavior and it can't be explained away by a difference in "languages". Sometimes people are just bad people who really have no business interacting with decent human beings, yet they somehow find others who are willing to be in romantic relationships with them. If all relationship problems really could be solved by reading this one book, nobody would get divorced and all couples would sit around farting rainbows at each other.
Yes, it does acknowledge that.
The quiz is online, for those curious.. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
I agree completely.
The quiz seems to tell you only how you receive it - what about how you give it? Are you supposed to already know how you give it? I dunno, I think it can be subconscious a lot of times.
The quiz is used to determine your language. My understanding was that this is the primary way for both how you want to be loved, and how you love. You're then supposed to determine a potential partners ability to 'fill you tank' (sounds terrible lol) and if he can, then you should determine his language and decide if you can adequately 'fill his tank'. He acknowledges that it won't be comfortable for you to express love in their language at first, but that's the point. So it's like that one saying that 'even though someone didn't love you the way you wanted to be loved, doesn't mean that they didn't love you with everything they have' or whatever. It's not enough to say that you love your partner, if they can't 'hear' the love in their own language.
Yeah, I get it. I dunno. So I guess you're supposed to just figure out if you can "fill" a person's "tank" or not.
Eh. All the more reason to give a relationship time to "settle." You may like writing cute little notes for them, for example, at the beginning, when things are fresh, but I can definitely see how a person could get tired of that and start to see it as a chore if it's not something they actually enjoy doing.
I guess my point is that we all have ways of showing love that come more naturally to us. But part of loving someone is sacrifice, so sometimes we do things for loved ones that we don't want to do, because we know it will make them happy, or it's what they need. But... it's just a fine line between occasional sacrifice that's part of love, and acting so far outside yourself that the relationship isn't really right for you.
Again, time. And remaining self-aware and honest with yourself.
Well I think that's his point of determining this potential partners language and deciding if you can fill his tank. So, if you score a 1 in physical touch, and realize that his primary language is physical touch - it's going to become a burden for you to fill his tank over time and will not work. If you score a 5 in gestures and his primary language is gestures, you should determine if you can fill his tank and in this case, its a more realistic long-term ability since it's something you do 'naturally', its just not your primary.
Also, I suddenly feel like an advocate for this book and like I just ran over this post. My bad! I just thought it was a good book that from my perspective made a ton of sense.
Ha, not at all! I appreciate the responses
I'm sure the book has some really good points.