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Surprised.
I have been kind of avoiding BF after the big fiasco, but he hasn't been avoiding me. Yesterday he was texting me while I was at work, actually communicating how he is feeling for the first time in a while. When I was leaving work, he was parked in the front so he could give me a ride to my car because I have to walk 5 blocks to the parking garage. He also asked me to take a little trip with him last night to see his one friend, so I went. It was a 2 hour ride to his friend's house so we were able to talk about a lot.
I told him that I'm not sure why he decided to stay with me after I was abusive and physical with him. I also told him that I would like to make it work, but I really want to work on my problems first and foremost in therapy. He told me that he forgives me for what has happened and he would like to make it work, and he understands that it's going to be a long hard road for me to get the help I need and he will stand by me. I told him that I'm scared and I don't know if I could give him everything he needs or wants because I'm going to focus on myself, and he said that he will be here for me, waiting. He said he loves me and he wants to work on us, and he will be my shoulder to cry on.
During the ride, we talked about a lot. He asked me about my STBXH, because BF knows only a little of what went on in my relationship. I explained to him, objectively, the way I was treated, and I think he has a little more of a picture painted for him. I didn't want to talk about my past with BF to that extent but since he wants to help, I figured he might as well have a better understanding of how I'm feeling. He was nothing but kind, patient, listening, and understanding. He was affectionate and supportive. I'm so surprised that he's being so wonderful after how horrible I was.
I have a therapy appointment with a new psychologist tonight after work. I'm excited to start trying to fix everything. I'm very thankful that BF is being wonderful and understanding. I know I cannot lean on him for everything though, but it's nice to know that he's there and supportive. I need to rely on myself for this, and I'm ready to start working hard to fix myself.
Re: Surprised.
I don't mean to deflated you in any way... but my first thought about him showing up while you are trying to get space is not a favorable one...
You tried to get space from him during your fight, and he followed you. You avoid him after the incident in order to work a few things out in your head and he shows up at your work. I just don't like the pattern, it makes me uneasy.
ETA: I think focusing on yourself is the way to go and I wish you nothing but the best.
Thank you! Something about this was bothering me and beccaga articulated it well. I'm not trying to excuse what you did in any way, but it seems like he is using the fact that your reaction was so blatantly over-the-top and unacceptable to distract you from his own abusive behavior. Again, not that you aren't responsible for your own actions, but you lashed out at him because you felt threatened. I know you're going through a rough time right now and I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, but I don't think either of you should be in a relationship right now, and continuing to be in it while you're working on your individual issues is not conducive to healing.
I don't think he meant it in a smothering scary way. I think he just knows me and since we've been arguing so much and been standoffish lately, he wants to show that he's in it for the long haul.
Part of our argument the other day was that I don't feel appreciated lately, and I think he's trying to make up for it.
I see this as not respecting your wishes. You told him you needed space and then he suggested you take a 4 hour drive together!? Seriously, this man does not seem to care or understand your needs.
In this paragraph, it sounds like you're trying to tell him that you don't think staying in the relationship is the right thing for you right now, and he basically tells you that your feelings don't matter- you're staying together, and that's that. He might use sweet words and say it in a very loving tone, but ultimately he's saying that you don't have any choice in the matter.
We also needed to talk it out, and I think the drive gave us the option to do that. I'm glad we did go on the trip, and we got a lot out that both of us needed to hear.
I know it probably wasn't the best thing for him to do, but I'm really glad he made an effort, because I haven't been feeling appreciated at all, and we've been having communication issues for a few weeks. It was nice of him to actually try to communicate with me and let me know that he does appreciate me and wants to be with me.
I'm not backing down on the space thing at all. Today I am working all day, I have therapy, and then I am going to go Christmas shopping by myself and then get groceries to make cookies for Christmas. He isn't even in the picture today. I sent him a quick text to tell him I love him and I hope he has a good day, but that's all we're saying to each other today because last night I let him know that I appreciate our discussion but I still need some time. I'll spend some time with him this weekend because he is going to a party with me, but otherwise I am taking some time.
I understand everyone's concern, and I appreciate you guys looking out. I will keep my eyes open to the situation, but I do not feel threatened by his behavior at this point since the incident, and to be honest, the incident was the only time I've ever felt threatened by him. I'm not saying that its a good thing by any means, because I know it's NEVER okay to feel threatened, but I understand where it stemmed from.
That's just it though, I don't want to be without him. I want to work on myself and take some space, but ultimately I want to work things out with him. I don't want to break up with him at all. I would understand if he wanted to break up with me because of my actions, but I really don't want to at all. We normally are really good together. Our relationship comes easy and he's my best friend. I just think a lot of trauma and agression inside has been surfacing and making my relationships (all of them..friends/family/bf) difficult because I've been trying to hide everything and push it away.
Ok, I read this earlier and didn't have time to respond, but feel compelled to do so now.
You do realize that you are starting a bad cycle here, don't you? First you and bf got in a fight. You wanted some space so you took a shower. He didn't want to give you space so he rather assertively inturrupted your shower and random crazy ensued.
You asked for more space. He couldn't give it to you so he showed up at your office. You took this as him being "sweet." Most outside observers see this as not respecting your wishes.
You apologized. He "forgave" you. He told you he loves you and will stand by you. You both did things that should be apologized for, yet he didn't apologize for jack.
Now you are happy and in love and want to work through things because he is just so wonderful for forgiving you. What's going to happen the next time you guys fight like this? And I'm pretty certain there will be a next time.
It is one thing to come out off a divorce and be in real relationship again and have a few emotional issues to work through. And it's great when you find a SO that will let you work through those issues. Certain situations give me anxiety since my divorce -- bf knows this and just holds me and lets me cry if I need to or talk and talk and talk until I feel better. But it is never violent or disrespectful. I think a lot of us on this board have gone through feeling things we didn't know were still there once in a new relationship. However, it is a completely different thing when either party gets violent or disrespectful.
And you are ONLY 5 months into this relationship. No relationship should have problems like this only 5 months in when people are still on good behavior.
This quote makes me think you are scared to be alone. You would understand if he wanted to break up with you because of YOUR actions, but what about HIS actions?
Your relationship comes easy? You said in 5 months you have had 2 major fights. That's not easy. In those early stages, I can see working through learning the other person's habits or likes and dislikes, but 2 major fights -- one that results in violence -- is not easy.
You also admit here that you have been trying to push away your feelings which means you haven't really worked through anything you are carrying around since your divorce. The only way you will go on to have a healthy relationship with someone who respects you is if you do that.
Yes, all of this!! Plus it sends some red flags up to me that you say he's your best friend and you 2 are in love after 5 MONTHS! Especially because you're not even divorced yet, it just seems so quick. I'm sorry but I really think your codependency issues are interfering with you thinking things through. Please seperate yourself from this guy and get some help. He will be there and will respect your decision when you're done doing that if he's in love with you like he says he is.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
He definitely did apologize to me. I didn't realize I never said that in my post. He apologized for making me feel cornered and apologized for hurting my feelings and yelling. He also apologized for not communicating with me.
That's why it's hard for me to see what you guys are saying about controlling behavior, but I understand where you're coming from. He did apologize though. Sorry I didn't mention.
Do you see what we're saying about you distancing yourself from him while you work on yourself though?
Is this just too crazy of an idea for you?
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
No, not a crazy idea. It's just hard to do when I'm used to spending a lot of time with him. I'm just going to take it day by day and work on it in therapy and not spending so much time with him and see how it goes. If it doesn't work, then I will probably take a break from the relationship as a whole.
Of course it's hard to not spend time with someone when you are used to it, but that doesn't mean spending time with the person is actually GOOD for you. You seem to have major codependence issues, not just from this statement, but from several statements in your posts on this thread.
If you don't learn to stand on your own and be independent, you will never get out of this cycle. You will find yourself trying to please him so that he doesn't leave you and you don't upset him and you will eventually be miserable.
Saying your sorry doesn't automatically excuse the behavior. It should go into a file in your brain that says, "Here are some things I should be concerned about with this man" and not overlooked.