Family Matters
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MIL & Christmas
I decided to have Christmas Brunch at my house this year and I invited my parents and my husband's parents and his brother and girlfriend. (I am an only child, so it is just my parents). My MIL decided to invite her sister, husband and their 2 kids to brunch without asking me...
This seems like she is overstepping her boundaries, but I am not sure what to do. I spoke to my husband and told him that I was irritated that she did not talk to me or him before inviting people to my house. I am happy to have more people, but I am afraid if she over steps her boundaries now, what will come in the future when we have a child?
Re: MIL & Christmas
Is this the only example of her overstepping? If so, I don't see the big deal. It is the holidays, many people think "the more, the merrier", etc.
Should she have asked first? Absolutely. And I do think in the future, your DH needs to be clear with her if this kind of thing comes up again. When he issues the invitation, he needs to add "If there is anyone else you'd want to include, please talk to us first to make sure we can accomodate them".
However, I wouldn't freak out yet and be worried about the future, kids, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB.
I also wonder if MIL would normally include her sister's family in Christmas celebrations at her own house.
And his reaction was...?
If MIL usually has her sister and her family over for Christmas, then I think this was a simple mis-understanding. I can see her assuming that you wouldn't want to completely change the Christmas dynamic for your brunch, and that your invite included the family members MIL usually has over. After all, it's a little wierd to say "we're having a brunch at our home this year, and YOU are invited, but you're going to have to tell Aunt Betty that she and her family are on their own....."
If your dh's aunt and her family usually DO NOT celebrate with your MIL, then she is over-stepping her boundries and your H needs to call her and say "look, you can't invite people to my (our) house without clearing it with us first. We're happy to have Aunt Betty over this time, but in the future if this happens, we will un-invite YOU and you will have to entertain your own guests."
Or next year, simply don't invite MIL and tell her you want to keep your party small, and that the whole extended family was too much for you to entertain.
Over.Reaction.
Agree. I'm not really seeing how one relates to the other. Its pretty simple to just have your DH tell her you are happy to host the family but next time she needs to consult with you guys before inviting more people since you are the ones hosting.
I wouldn't get too upset over this. For all you know her sister may have had no plans and your MIL assumed you wouldn't mind considering she IS your family now and it really isn't that many more people.
Having a MIL like this, I also see it as a flag.
It's an imposition, and from the sound of it, will be a significant increase in food costs and clean-up time to the host family.
This. Unless she does things like this all the time. If she doesn't, then yes, this seems to be a simple mis-understanding and you seem to be overreacting a bit.
I agree with all the others.
If this is the first and only time, I would just have DH request that she give you guys notice first before inviting additional people over. She should have done that anyway (because you need to have enough settings, food, etc). That's an easy enough fix.
I do think you're overreacting though. My guess is that she had already made plans with her sister's family, but also wanted to attend your brunch, so invited them along. I think it's mostly harmless, although she definitely should have asked first.
Definitely not trying to over-react... I enjoy everyone in my family, so I am happy to have "more the merrier." I just wished she had asked in advance, I would have said yes no matter what. I'm trying a new outlook to 1) not hold grudges and 2) express my feelings... my feelings were irritated and worried. I just want to have an open and honest relationship with my MIL. I want to be able to tell her, "I'm glad the whole family is coming to my house, but I wish you had asked me in advance."
(Especially so that I was not blind-sided with a post on Facebook from the Aunt-in-Law asking if her invitation to come for Brunch was still good!)
My MIL is an inviter - very much a "more the merrier" and "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission" kind of person. Knowing that, whenever we get "invited" by my MIL to some event I always have my DH call the family member to ask if we are actually invited. The rest of the family knows my MIL so they don't think it's wierd if DH calls to confirm.
That being said, it would irritate me if my MIL invited people over to my house without asking. Our house is not that large so adding 2 adults and 2 children would likely be a space issue. MIL wouldn't think about that in advance and then leave my holding the bag trying to figure out where in the world we'd put everyone.
I would just have your DH have a conversation with MIL regarding future invitations. That she needs to clear extra invites with you - throw it on money, space, time, whatever. MIL might have misconstrued some earlier conversation you had and thought it was an open invite. If MIL does this repeatedly, then you likely have a problem (because you've requested she ask first and she is not). Untill it becomes a repeated event I wouldn't worry too much.
Problems usually get worse, not better when kids are involved. So I can see where you are getting the concern regarding issues with kids. DH and I are pregnant with our first and this will be my inalws first grandbaby. There are some behaviors of my inlaws (not appropriate and annoying now) that are likely to balloon out of control so we're going to meet with a counselor to learn some new coping and communication issues. But we know this is coming based on past (and current experience). Could these issues potentially be non-issues? Sure, but we'd rather be prepared than caught in the middle of chaos when we're sleep deprived.
I do agree with pp that if this is a once off situation then probably let it go. Or have DH mention that she should have asked.
Christmas time can turn normally polite people into, "anything goes" people. It's no excuse for rudeness but my MIL did something similar.
We had hosted Christmas with my parents and MIL. Everyone had left. DH and I were happily relaxing after a busy day and enjoying our Christmas evening together. MIL turns up unannounced and uninvited, with a friend.
It was odd to me because as far as I was concerned our party was over, but clearly MIL thought we were "open for business" She's never done anything like it before or since.
I'd recommend having your H tell her "Aunt, uncle, and cousins are welcome for brunch because you've already invited them. But please ask before inviting next time. We would have preferred a smaller group with just those we originally included. But what's done is done and we'll make the best of it."
Why can't it be a compromise?
74 books read in 2011
What's stopping you?
And to be precise - this should come from DH. Good rule for couples: you should handle your folks, and DH should handle his. If you WANT her to ask next time, then you need to say something this time.
AFTER THE PARTY (and I can't stress that enough: AFTER), have your H speak to your MIL about her inviting extra people without clearing it with you guys first. Don't focus on the "when we have a kid" thing - just make it generally known that next time she wants to add additional folks, she has to clear it with you guys first.
I'm also be curious to know this.
Don't look for problems or they will find you.
Parties, even family parties, are fun. Chill, she's not trying to take over your entire life, she's adding a few people to ONE morning.