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Emotional.
I am so effing sad today. I don't even know why. I had a good therapy session with my new psychologist last night, and although it was only the first session, I could feel that he is going to be really great and helpful.
BF and I talked some more last night. He said that he was wrong to intrude on me like that, among other things we discussed and he apologized for, and we agreed that both of us were very very wrong. We've been kind of thrown back into the honeymoon stage again, which is nice, but at the same time I'm cautious of him and myself.
As for my current mental state, I am ridiculously sad today. I never wanted to leave my bed this morning and I'm so looking forward to going home. I don't have any leave left at work until the beginning of January, and believe me if I did, I would have called in today. I am absolutely miserable. Disgusting and unhealthy to say but I miss my boyfriend, but thats not the only reason I feel sad. It's hard to describe. I just feel like I'm at a loss. I miss BF like woah because I haven't seen him since Monday night, and I'm used to seeing him almost every day. I also haven't been getting much sleep lately and I think that's also why I feel like crap among other things.
Re: Emotional.
I am sorry that you're sad and I mean this post in the nicest way possible, but you have A LOT to work on with yourself. I think you need to be single for a LOOOOOONG time. You need to focus on yourself, get yourself happy and be comfortable with yourself before you decide to be in a relationship.
Both you and your BF have things you need to work on as individuals.
Your relationship is NOT healthy and no matter how many times he apologizes or you two talk and/or are thrown back into the "honeymoon stage" (not sure you really understand what a honeymoon stage is, but whatever) you should not be in this relationship or any other relationship, for that matter.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I'm glad River Pestie had the patience to type that out. She's right. You have way too much to deal with to be in any kind of relationship -- especially one with all of these red flags. Stop depending on other people to bolster you and learn to do it yourself, otherwise you'll never truly be happy.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. You're going to have bad days. Don't let them beat you.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Yes, that's how the cycle usually goes.
This. Just the simple fact that you are so emotional that you cannot get out of bed screams "you should NOT be in any kind of relationship right now!!!!!"
Honestly, if he were any kind of a decent man and really cared/loved you he would see how NOT ready you are to be with someone. What kind of a man wants to be with a hot mess, such as yourself, right now? And I mean that with all of the love in the world. Most of us were in a bad way emotionally post-split and wouldn't have made a worthy romantic partner to anyone, no matter how wonderful. Oh, and that's also not to say that your BF seems wonderful. AT all.
Yeah, I'm taking time off from him and everyone else. I can't function right now. It sucks because before my violent outburst, we really weren't having any problems and now all of a sudden I'm a hot mess and I feel like I ruined our relationship because of my insecurities, which is my own inner beast demons coming into play. He's not perfect, but he's the best I've ever had. To me he's pretty wonderful, sweet and patient and understanding, but we have our problems.
It just blows.
I'm sorry but I'm completely baffled that you can say this about your bf after the stunt he pulled in the bathroom. Seriously??
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
...And the stunt he pulled when he showed up at her job to drive her 5 blocks to her car, even after she said she needed space.
OP, I am not going to waste my time reading/responding to your posts anymore until you decide to get your_shit straight. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a waste of time/energy.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Sorry, but you're in complete denial if you think this is true. For a relationship to be having problems this significant within the first five months is a horrible, very bad sign. There was an issue with his relationships with other women, an issue with you oversharing about your relationship to your friends, an issue with you arguing in an unhealthy way, an issue with him invading your space when you indicated you wanted to be left alone, and then an issue with you reacting physically. I know you are smoothing this all over in your head and making it out to be, you lashed out b.c. of your history nothing to do with the specific situation, he didn't mean it, and he's a good guy but as others pointed out, you two have an emotionally/physically abusive cycle of communication. Good for you for getting into therapy, for allowing yourself to feel sad today, and for getting up going, to work, and moving on with your life anyway. I think therapy will help you to see that you are sweeping issues under the rug: this relationship is not a good fit and is only magnifying your individual issues. Missing your BF today is not just missing your BF, he is a band aid for the self confidence issues you have which manifest through codependency. I think what you're really feeling sad about today is the fact that therapy is making you take a hard look at your life and yourself, you're not 100% happy with what you see, and there is hard work ahead. And it's completely normal and understandable to feel that way. But by chalking it up to "I miss BF" you're missing the larger issues and therefore the chance to address them and move past them.
You've been together a few months. Hell, you've only been separated a few months. If people can't be good to one another at the beginning, when things are new and shiny and fresh, then there's a problem. The fact of the matter is, you're still getting to know this person, you've not been forthcoming about the details of your marriage (didn't you admit that he really wasn't aware of your history of abuse?), and you are ignoring some pretty serious red flags.
Realize your own self worth and stop settling for asssholes. I promise you'll be far better off for it.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
That is very supportive, thank you. I hope people acted the same way to you when you went for support. I come here for support, a place to vent, and people to talk with that may or may not understand what I'm going through. It sucks because I feel like you pick and choose who to be nice to, support, and help, and others get biitchedout and thrown in the street so to say because they're having a tough time or not super quick with understanding the "healthy relationship" factor. I'm having a difficult time and I was enjoying my relationship until the shiit hit the fan, so maybe I'm not super quick to analyze my shiit and understand it right off the bat. That's why I'm going to therapy. I just think it's funny and kind of sad that if you're not necessarily part of the clique on here, you don't get people who givetwoshits. But then again that's my two cents. I have trust issues to begin with, and the fact that I'm even putting my information out there on a public space for everyone to read is a huge stepping stone for me. I think maybe I'm going to take a break from TN, too. No one wants to hear my problems here or IRL, and I always wonder why I feel so insignificant.
Oh honey ... this is actually probably one of the least cliquie boards on here. And being a regular (I'm fairly regular I think) doesn't mean everyone is just going to be super nice to you no matter what you post. Heck, I've gone at it with ladies on this board (some of whom I am friends with off the nest now), and while our opinions may differ it's nice to see things from a different perspective. Many of us on here have been through the cycle of abuse and we aren't going to not point out the obvious when someone is trying to start over and is falling right back into the abuse cycle (which you are whether you want to see it or not).
Do you want to know why people IRL don't want to hear your problems? Because they probably don't know how to tell you you are starting down a bad path so they avoid the topic.
If you went to therapy didn't your therapist point out the red flags in this current situation?
Listen, it has nothing to do with being in the "clique" on this board. This board is one of the least clique-y on TN. It has to do with your willingness to listen to what other people have to say. You say that you are struggling with knowing what a "healthy" relationship is. A LOT of nesties on here are years out of divorce and have pretty good ideas of what a healthy relationship is. And yes, I would say that RiverPestie is one of them.
The frustration that you are feeling is that you are one of the posters on here that doesn't really want to hear the advice that people give you. We see a red flag or sign of a unhealthy relationship and we point it out. And you say "yes, but....." and try and convince us why we are wrong. Then we point out another. And you say "yes, but....." and AGAIN try and convince us why you are wrong. And again, and again and again. We are trying to help you and you don't really want to hear it. Trust me, you are not the only one on this board who does this. But you need to recognize that it is not you personally that we are frustrated with. It is you inability to try and see where we are coming from. Instead you try and convince us why we are wrong. If you don't want advice, why bother posting?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
People are supportive. You just don't seem to like what they have to say, and that's your prerogative. It's also our prerogative to get frustrated when we offer up really good, really sound advice that consistently falls on deaf ears. You're not experiencing a lack of support. You're getting honest feedback and hearing hard things -- and, yeah, sometimes that sucks. But no one is being cruel, and everyone has your best interests in mind. If you can't see that, then nothing anyone says here makes a bit of difference.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.