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Looking for some advice
Hello! I don't post often, but have been dealing with a few relationship issues lately.
My husband and I have been married 4 years and together almost 10 years. We met in college and have been together ever since. I do love him, but lately (past 6 months) have not felt the same type of love..I don't know if I am "in love" with him anymore. I try to tell myself that this will pass and to just be super affectionate and try to spice things up. I do this and don't feel much different. I know he loves me and there is no other guy, just me feeling like I'd rather live alone and do my own thing rather than continue in this partnership. We don't have any kids and I'm not even sure I want to have kids with him. I just feel so indifferent to our marriage.
I feel so bad even just typing this. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to hurt him. Sometimes I think it will all be ok, and then it feels the same. I look at other couples who are so happy and feel like, "why don't I feel like that?" I didn't get a chance to go and do my own thing--meaning live in my own apartment (by myself), move somewhere for a job on my own, etc. I feel like it's always been the two of us and I've lost myself a bit. I dream of teaching english abroad, for example, and in my dream, it's just me. I don't even want him to come with me.
Anyway, just looking for advice on if this is normal or a sign things are headed down splitsville..just don't know what to do. Thanks!
Re: Looking for some advice
Sounds like your playing games with him.
You cannot magically MAKE yourself love him...If you don't feel that way about him...set him free now.
You got married too young, and now you regret it.
The amount of change a person undergoes from 18 to 28 is enormous. A thirty year old would be nearly unrecognizable to her eighteen year old self. And, sadly, your nearly thirty year old husband would likewise be unrecognizable to your young self, because he's undergone the same amount of change you have. This is why, I am sure, everyone told you to not get married when you did, and what you did not understand when you went ahead and did it anyway because you loovvved each other and that was going go be enough to last you for the rest of your lives.
Your dh has done nothing wrong, and neither have you, for that matter. You're just completely different people. I would spend some time figuring out who the two of you are, and whether you can remain married happily to each other. You might not be able to; but maybe you can. Counselling, counselling counselling. Lots of it. If you've already tried it, or you don't want to commit anymore time to it, then it's time to get out.
Well, it think a lot of couples go through this type of thing...love changes, the more time we are together the love shifts a bit. It seems to me that this shift has left you wondering what you missed out on. It also sounds like you have a fantasy of what "your" life would be without him.
Be careful think it through, go to counseling alone and together, but be very sure of what it is exactly you want before you make any final decision.
Does he know how you feel?
Is counseling completely out of the picture?
I think what you're going through is completely normal, but it may be a bit worse for you than for others because you didn't get that chance to do your own thing. I think it's crucial for people to get that time "alone." Then, when you get married, you're less inclined to miss it because you've 'been there, done that."
However, you're likely to ultimately feel that way in any future relationship. Passion ebbs and flows, and you have to work at it to keep it flowing.
You should get counseling to see if this is something you can work through or not.
Thanks for all the replies. I do think we got married too young--I was 23, he was 25. I look back and thought at that time, everything would always be great.
He does know how I feel--we have discussed it somewhat. We always seem to think we can get better--that things will feel better if we just work at it. I'm not always sure. Some days are great, others are not. We have discussed going to counseling so I think that is a good idea.
I think a lot of it is the idea that the grass is greener. If you take that time when you're young to really live alone, date, be totally autonomous and independent, you realize that it isn't that great and you're happier to be married and part of that partnership dynamic.
But, I can see how someone who has never experienced it would think that it sounds like the high life (and for some people it is, but you never know unless you live it).
I would warn you that what you're experiencing could be just pure boredom, which is pretty common.
What exactly are you doing to work on it? I think that love changes, ebbs and flows and that a long term relationship is making that decision to stick with that person every day.
Has anything specifically changed for you/him in the last 6 months or has this been a feeling that has been building for longer?
Sorry for the long reply - I just re-read it and it's the beginning of a novel I think :-)
It's been years since I've been on this board (or at least a while), but I'm just jumping right back in.
I had a very similar situation (together at 17 and 21, married at 23 and 27, divorced at 27 and 31). I did not address it and it festered. By the time we got to counseling, I was already out the door. I don't regret our relationship or the fact that it ended, but wish that we had gone to counseling sooner to see if there was enough to work on and enough desire to work for it. We are both happily re-coupled (he's married, I will be soon), but the ending of our relationship was brutal and not well handled and there were a lot of hurt feelings.
Dig deep - are you willing to make a commitment to work on the relationship? I agree with PP - what are you wanting to work on and how are you doing it? I recently went to a conference on couples therapy (I am a social worker) and one of the newer trends in couples work and divorce work is called Discernment Counseling. It's only done in 1 state so far, but I think it will spread quickly. Essentially, you and your partner commit to 6 (or whatever number the therapist uses) sessions. You are not doing couples therapy/relationship work, you are simply making an informed and well-thought through decision to either pursue couples counseling or separation. Too many people say "uncle" before really thinking things through and get caught up in the process of separation and divorce without knowing for sure that's what they want.
Good luck! Relationships are not easy. But having invested 10 yrs, I think you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your families to really do some work here before calling it quits. And if that's what you both decide to do, go slowly, be gentle with yourself, and take good care.
Dx: balanced translocation and LPD
TTC since Oct 2011
BPF 02/19/12 ----> EDD 10/31/12 ----> natural m/c 02/28/12 (4w6d)
And we're on to IVF, BCPs starting 10/17, stims 11/7: Lupron, Gonal F ---> too high estrogen, coasted for a few days then added 2 doses of Ganirelix; lots of measurable follies; 9R, 5M, 4F, 1 passed PGD, 1 3B blast transferred 11/23; PIO til ET, then PIO and Endometrin BID; +HPT 12/2 (9dp5dt), Beta #1 12/3 297, Beta #2 12/5 739/progesterone 69, Beta #3 12/12 ___
All welcome