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Advice/opinions needed (addict related) - long
I alluded to this in the weekend post on Monday, but have been super busy at work so I haven't had a chance to post much. I need some advice on how to handle my relationship with my mother.
Back story - my mom's husband of the last 11 years is an alcoholic. He goes from being just the obnoxious drunk person that mumbles and you can't understand to a violent drunk (he's hit her once that I know of several years ago) and calls my mom every name you can think of and completely tears her down (I have witnessed this several times, I'm not just taking her word on it). As if this isn't bad enough, I truly think he has a thing for me based on things he's said to me. Because of all this, I very rarely answer the phone when he calls. I don't need to hear his ramblings and I've remained distant from them after my divorce because I don't want that in my life. My relationship with my mother is shaky at best (she's a very negative, selfish person and not your typical maternal mother), but I still attempt to keep a relationship with her. And he's always "trying" to work on getting/staying sober - although, its never worked.
For the last couple weeks her husband has been calling me. I, like normal, don't answer. Then Sunday came around. She called me to talk and was telling me that he had been calling me to see how I was doing, blah blah blah. She is very aware of the fact that I do not answer because I don't want to deal with his drunkenness. I should also add, she is extremely good at constructing guilt trips. So after I hear her piece I feel really bad - supposedly he's been doing well staying sober (although I've heard it before). Later that evening, he calls. I, being stupid and gullible, answer the phone. He of course is WASTED. I get to listen to him rehash my mistakes, how he really wishes I didn't settle in my marriages (as if I don't know this already), how I deserve better, I need to move back home (I LOVE my 500 mile buffer btw), etc. I of course call my mom the next morning just to let her know about her wonderful husband did(he works out of town so they are never together except on the weekends).
The worst part of all of this is it is always a recurring thing. I'm dumb in thinking he may someday change and when she makes me feel guilty, I think I need to attempt a semi-normal relationship with him.
After this happens, a huge part of me wants to cut her completely out of my life so I don't ever have to deal with this anymore. But I know how bad it would destroy her if I did that. And I keep having hope that my "old" mom will someday come back - before her husband, she was an awesome mom. Within the last year I'm finally getting my life together after my divorce and this is not a healthy part of my life.
Now the question...how would you handle this? What would you do? I feel like something has to change if I want to remain sane. I know I'm completely out of control of her actions and his, but I'm running out of ideas how to handle this.
Re: Advice/opinions needed (addict related) - long
That's a tough one. I can understand not wanting to totally lose your mom despite a bad relationship. But he's causing unnecessary stress that you don't need right now.
I wouldn't answer any of his phone calls and if she asks why, tell her your reasons. When she starts to beg/whine/guilt say "Mom this is how I feel, now we can discuss something else or I can end this phone call." then stick to it
Go to Al Anon meetings
Set boundaries for yourself/don't get sucked into their drama
Continue working on yourself.
I actually do pretty good about keeping the boundaries since its easy to avoid a phone call and usually don't hesitate cutting off her conversations, its more feeling guilty about not being able to help her (which I'm working on).
I'm definitely going back to ignoring his phone calls again. It never goes well and always ends up with me irritated.
I'm dealing with the same type thing with my brother. He used to be tolerable, but now he's just using and being a drug addict assswhole, calling me just for money and he's bitter and irritable. I normally don't answer his calls, but once in a while I have to because he's my brother. Basically the only advice I could give is keep your distance if they make you that uncomfortable. I've been keeping my distance with my brother, but with the holidays I'm going to have to see him a little more at family parties so I try to keep it civil, but secretly I want to stab him in the eye sockets.
I just try to breathe in and take it with a grain of salt.
It's really hard, and I understand what you're going through. Good luck!
I am seconding the Al Anon recommendation - you already have the boundaries part pretty well down (mostly, anyway) but Al Anon will help you with the guilt you feel over setting boundaries, and may help you come up with more constructive ways to deal with your mom as well. GL!