Starting Over
BNOTB Awards
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
S/o marriage counseling
I never did pre-marital counseling prior to getting married or any kind of counseling during my marriage. Next time I get married I think I really want to do pre-marital counseling. I want all the help I can get so I never have to go through a divorce again.
Did anyone do pre-marital counseling? Did you find it helpful?
BNOTB Awards
Re: S/o marriage counseling
I did it with a previous relationship and it was the marker that we were not compatible, we broke up shortly afterwards. My exH and I did it at the church where we got married at, but it was more a history of the church than anything useful.
I already told D that if I move to Louisville, we will do it before moving in together and he is totally on board with it.... one more reason why I love that man. I think it can be incredibly helpful with recognizing areas that might cause problems, finding your strengths and learning better communication skills.
XFI and I did an Engaged Encounter. I thought that it had been helpful in getting the issues out there so that we could talk about them, but it turns out, he wasn't being truly honest with me or with himself on his feelings. EEs are religious, but are led by married couples mainly, rather than by a priest or minister. I liked the format, although it's a pretty intense weekend.
I will definitely do pre-marital counseling in the future, probably through a psychologist instead of through the church.
This is exactly why I want to do it. Friends and family aren't as forthcoming with their opinions or they just don't see what goes on behind closed doors. I had so many friends after my divorce voice their opinion that they never got good vibes with XH but nobody ever told me that.
I think a neutral party like a marriage counselor would facilitate talking about harder topics that neither of us would have thought about or don't know how to bring up.
XH and I did premarital counseling at the church. It wasn't all that useful though - it was centered around preparing for the sacrament rather than our actual relationship. The pastor complimented us regularly on how well we interacted with each other and how he thought we were good partners. I don't think he was wrong - we were at the time - but eventually XH realized he had sat there and said things we both wanted to hear instead of the truth. I don't think he was obfuscating his true feelings, he just wasn't in touch with who he really was. He's not self-aware in the slightest. So, I'm not sure "real" premarital counseling would have done us a lot of good.
I'd like to do premarital counseling with BF when we reach that point. He's been vocal about his appreciation for open lines of communication. I don't think it's something we "need", but we both want to do everything in our power to set ourselves up for success.
xH and I did the Catholic counseling and it was very helpful to open up about a lot of topics that we hadn't thought of at that time. The only red flag at that time was the lack of sex life but it wasn't a big enough deal to hesitate about anything.
We also did an alternative therapy just the summer before our October wedding. I didn't want to get married at that point and I agreed to go to therapy with him so that I could feel like I did exhaust all avenues of really trying to make this work. At the sessions there were several things that came up that confirmed that I didn't want to marry him, and I voiced that often.. but strangely enough, the woman always put this spin on things that made me feel like I was being a diick. When I finally took over a session and expressed all the shiit I had bottled up, we started asking him questions and of course time ran out...... and he never wanted to go back again. Seriously. How the fvck did I miss that giant, waving red flag!!
I think counseling that's set up like the Catholic one (have you talked about money, kids, sex, hobbies, goals) is awesome and would do it for any serious relationship. I would not, however, ever go to therapy where you have to attempt to correct serious issues.. I would just be done with the relationship.